#1
Not really sure about what I'm going to do with this music-wise, but I think most of the lyrics should be screamed except the bridge (NOT screamo, though). I guess this song is about a friend-turned-enemy that you haven't seen in a long time and being driven crazy by a grudge.

"Hemophilia"

Verses 1 Didn't realize I lost it all
What happened to those days?
Now I see my downfall
I'm just a tragic daze
Didn't realize what was wrong
And its too late
It's all gone
I'm dying in my own hate

Chorus You didn't care
Only wanted a massacre
Disfigured cut etched
(Can't stop the blood)
Imaginary- only there
to scare
Yourself

Verses 2 I remember you now like
a past life death by guillotine
Like an old dream
Cross of vomit and distaste
Unimportant, you're
Something I replaced
In the end, you're only
Everything I erased

-Chorus-

Bridge I haven't smiled since that day
I don't want to smile anyway
My surroundings fade
& I go back to that place
I'm dying in my own hate

-Chorus-

Verses3 You're a shadow to me
almost too dead to be
But you're all I see-
I still smell your cigarettes-
They burn in my mind
Never forgive, never forget
Never find regret
You won't like what you find

-Chorus-
#2
There's the occasional line which seems to stutter, almost as though you only got into writing the song after writing the chorus. I'm looking in particular at:

'It's all gone' - verse 1

And the end of the chorus doesn't sit too well with me. It's a simply rhythm, or at least it seems so. This leaves those lines a little out of place.

Subject matter's a little overdone, but it always has been so no complaints there.
#4
Quote by Sickhick
Not really sure about what I'm going to do with this music-wise, but I think most of the lyrics should be screamed except the bridge (NOT screamo, though). I guess this song is about a friend-turned-enemy that you haven't seen in a long time and being driven crazy by a grudge.

"Hemophilia"

Verses 1 Didn't realize I lost it all
What happened to those days?
Now I see my downfall
I'm just a tragic daze
Didn't realize what was wrong
And its too late
It's all gone
I'm dying in my own hate
Maybe drowning would be a better word than dying here. Its a bit cliche though, so however you feel on this is what you should go with.

Chorus You didn't care
Only wanted a massacre
Disfigured cut etched This felt awkward to read and I had a bit of a hard time understanding it
(Can't stop the blood)
Imaginary- only there
to scare
Yourself

Verses 2 I remember you now like
a past life death by guillotine
Like an old dream
Cross of vomit and distaste
Unimportant, you're
Something I replaced
In the end, you're only
Everything I erased

-Chorus-

Bridge I haven't smiled since that day
I don't want to smile anyway
My surroundings fade
& I go back to that place
I'm dying in my own hate
Good bridge

-Chorus-

Verses3 You're a shadow to me
almost too dead to be
But you're all I see-
I still smell your cigarettes-
They burn in my mind
Never forgive, never forget
Never find regret
You won't like what you find
Solid verse. Only thing I would

-Chorus-

I can definately sympathize with the subject. I think pretty much everyone can. This isn't exactly my kind of style but was well written with the exception of a few lines and some word choice. My advice would be to give it another once over and see if the way you wrote feels like the way you would talk. If it feels to awkward to be the way you would talk, then work on the parts that feel wrong.
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#5
Thanx. I'll go over this again, and "drowning" is a better word at the top. And perhaps I'll replace 'disfigured cut' with something along the lines of 'mental scar'; see what fits better.
Last edited by Sickhick at Aug 28, 2009,