#1
outside my window,
an orchestra plays while i try to sleep.
the rumbling bass of a thief and police chief chase:
the low undertone of the production.
it's complemented to perfection
with ambulance cries,
and obscene battered-wives' screams;
the woodwinds dive
in and out of the pounding percussion.
the smack as fist meets face,
a man being mugged in some poorly lit alleyway.
i lay awake
as the sirens blare like trumpets
somewhere there's someone in some kind of danger.
but you see, i'm just a stranger
listening to the mosaic of sound,
i don't bother to go down into the orchestra pit
because it's none of my concern.
so to get to sleep,
i'll count the lessons i'm not required to learn,
all the while listening
to my city burn.
here, My Dear, here it is
#2
I love the comparison of the sounds of the city with the orchestra. This was well written as well, except for a couple of lines that just bothered me.

"the rumbling bass of a thief and police chief chase:"

In terms of rhyming, it's great, but I don't like that you added "cheif" in there just so it would rhyme. It's unnecessary to mention the that it is a police chief.

"somewhere there's someone in some kind of danger.
but you see, i'm just a stranger"
I don't like the word stranger, but it seems more like you should elaborate on the fact that you are a spectator, a bystander, that you are just listening. Because that's what you go on to imply. But being a stranger has nothing to do with any of this.


Once again though, I love the idea. And the rest of the writing was solid.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
What I enjoy most in this is the consistency - there is a steady stream of cohesive thoughts, well intertwined with one another, dependent on the other to make the sense that a burning city never could. We're prostitutes of sound, and there's a reason music and crime fit so well together, and this is an example of it: manipulation of familiar systems and the talent it takes to process and distinguish between them in one's own mind.

Metaphors and similes go nameless here, as do instructions on how-to projects such as compare and contrast essays. Once you look around and truly listen to the world surrounding, nothing needs a name so much as it simply has a place it belongs, wonderfully and fitfully, and again, you show that to me here.
#4
It's nice to see you go simple and concise. I always feel bad critting after Sean, he seems to make everything so concise. I will say though, I feel you developed a voice and consistancy as a writer, which is very beautiful and enjoyable. I hope you continue down this path.
#5
i like the metaphore of the orchestra and the cacophony produced by the city streets.

"it's complemented to perfection " - I would say "it is"
#6
i have to disagree with everyone. ignore me if you will, i'm terrible at critiquing and worse at saying what i think properly;

this never abandoned that conscious "poem" feel. that notion a reader feels that the author doesn't really quite feel what he's saying - is merely going through the paces of constructing a critically appropriate piece; making sure metaphor and simile are used, alliteration, etc.

it stood out as more of an exercise in creating a scene and an appropriate pay-off to your set-up than you actually intending to say something that you feel strongly about or have been caused to examine by some unforeseen means.

not that it was bad, or unenjoyable. it just felt too conscious.

idk. just me.

brief edit: i realize i didn't disagree that strongly. also, i loathe the title. it's really representative of what i was referring to; something typical, somewhat common, yet consciously not overly so.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Last edited by Snowblind 911 at Aug 28, 2009,
#7
^ I was just about to say that.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
I get what you're saying, that it maybe sounded too poetic for it to have any real feeling behind it. I'm sorry it turned out that way because I do feel strongly about this topic. I honestly feel that the apathy of people and their tendency to turn their heads at society's evils is a plague. But, at the same time, I understand that it's my job as a writer to convey the strength of my feelings into the writing. It's a shame that they must have gotten drowned through the metaphors when you read them.

And I wanted to keep the title common and typical because I feel that the apathy that exists in the world is far too common. The actions (or lack thereof) of the narrator in this piece is the typical reaction of many, many other people. So that's where I was coming from with that.


Also, leave links so I can get you guys back! Thanks for all the comments too!
here, My Dear, here it is
#9
Thanks for explaining the title
In that case, keep it. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions in regards to it.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#10
I have to agree with Nate, this poem was too conscious, which made the poem lose some of its believability. The poem wasn't necessarily 'too poetic', in my opinion. I think that you have such a knack for flow and rhythm; and it was quite evident after reading through this piece. The last three lines were great, I must add.

This was enjoyable

Subway, whenever you have time, could you please read this poem? Here's a link https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1189879
Last edited by Bleed Away at Aug 29, 2009,
#11
Okay I understand the thing about the poem being too conscious now, that the narrator is almost too aware of his surroundings and his feelings (or lack thereof) about them. I can get that. However, I did want the narrator to be conscious about what he's doing. I wanted him to realize that he does nothing while society tears itself apart, that he can get to sleep each night with this realization. Maybe that explained the overt consciousness of the poem, or maybe it didn't. At any rate, I can definitely see how it might be too conscious.

I'll get to yours soon Bleed Away.
here, My Dear, here it is
#12
Read this last night, and its a beautiful poem bro.
The flow is fantastic. Just gives me a picture of a new york night in my head.
I get exactly what your going at with the whole poem. Nighttime should be peace and actually, all the time there should be peace. But here we are, falling asleep with all fo thsi anger and hatred around us.
It actually touched me man.
Amazing.

Crit mine when you get the chance
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1191194

cheers
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#13
really sweet, flows really well.

nice job
Free your mind and your ass will follow
The kingdom of heaven is within
Open up your funky mind and you can fly

Sumdeus
#14
i like the premise and the simile....

the line "all the while listening to my city burn" is rather jarring though
i think the poem would be better of if the narrator didn't pass judgement on what he heard and let the reader make up their own mind about the morality of the situation...

otherwise a beautiful cityscape

nice work
#15
@spitonastranger: yeah, that's been the main criticism with this piece, that the narrator is too conscious with his feelings. I understand. But, like I said, the reason I wanted him to be so conscious was because an important part to the narrator was that he actually knows what he's doing or what he isn't doing and he doesn't feel any remorse or guilt for it. But I can still understand where you're coming from completely.
here, My Dear, here it is