#1
The children on stage look ghostly,
like lucid toys caged inside a shop lift.
Their tricks try to raise a smile,
but the teeth soon feel dull against my chest.

The room shudders in the morning breeze,
and the sceptics in the audience move with it.
And though I can still see through the clouds,
pendant overhead, something doesn't quite feel right.
I'm still in one piece, but is the box?
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Aug 28, 2009,
#2
I couldn't figure out at first why the last line seemed to make sense in a way to me immediately, like I knew what you were talking about, and it was a cool way to end reading a little poem, as opposed to an ending being, hmm, obvious, maybe. in the realm of the obvious.

that feeling aside, but same topic: I think I thought this because I was not sure if the 'action' in your piece (kids, play) was happening inside like a elementary school gymnasium, or outside in a small outdoor amphitheatre kind of place, and whether it was evening out... or morning. In ending with the word 'box', I think that while not being sure of this, I don't think 'I get it exactly' or 'I don't get it'; I'm thinking 'well, which of the two is it?' - does that make sense? You get it and you don't get it. Cool.

anyway, from the top

perhaps an adjective or adverb of some kind before 'ghostly', just to kind of give a little bit more info in that first line (the reader is taken to 'a strange but cool space', maybe, a little tad bit too suddenly).

a spirited lift
I didn't understand too well, a spirited elevator?, or, I'm a little bit thinking 'where's this one at?'

Third line is cool, but
but the saw teeth soon feel dull against my chest.
- this little guy right here, - this should turn into a common everyday saying for the next few generations. like -'(Hank snoozing at his grand daughter's piano recital)' - '(Grandma McStaufferson) "Aw Hank, you got your saw tooth on again" (gently nudges Hank awake). Ha. Liked this one.

And I like that there are sceptics in the audience of a children's play. and then there's the disjoint between morning breeze and clouds.

The more I read this one, the more I want to read it again. For sure
#3
It took me a while to really dig into this piece but eventually it became bit by bit a little more clear. It's really cool, but I'm still trying to get my own interpretation of it.

Quote by AngryGoldfish
The children on stage look ghostly,
like lucid toys caged inside a shop lift.


I really like this bit. Just the first line is very cutting, it's awesome. It makes them seem mesmerized or something, trapped inside themselves.


Quote by AngryGoldfish
Their tricks try to raise a smile,
but the teeth soon feel dull against my chest.


I like the idea of kids being daring and menacing, trying to grab attention from the people that watch them. I also like the idea of the sharp feeling becoming dull after a while, like getting over recurring pain, or eventually not being bothered by something frustrating. To me, its like the different things that the kids do to get attention which annoy our character eventually just become something that just needs to be gotten over.

I'm kinda sleepy so I won't bother trying to think about the second part, as I'll probably look back on my comments wondering why I thought that :L. It is a very interesting piece though, and I like the way that every time I read it I understood something a little more. Good Job.
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Quote by alans056
Maybe the price tag is clouding your judgment ?
yeah probably. Or the circuits.
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
The children on stage look ghostly,
like lucid toys caged inside a shop lift.
Their tricks try to raise a smile,
but the teeth soon feel dull against my chest.

I felt that a line-break would have resonated better at the end of the first line, rather than a comma, for flow's sake. I wasn't too fond of the last line; it fell too abruptly, context wise. Certainly keep the line, maybe I'm simply reading this wrong, but the overall scenery of the Children felt incomplete and rather lacking any emotion to warrant imagery, if you get where I'm coming from.

The room shudders in the morning breeze,
and the sceptics in the audience move with it.
And though I can still see through the clouds,
pendant overhead, something doesn't quite feel right.
I'm still in one piece, but is the box?

Good, but I got confused at the end. What box? The syntax of that last line didn't sit very well with me, but this is simply personal opinion. The first two lines in this stanza felt like they belonged to the previous stanza, before "but the teeth...".


Overall, I think you have a solid idea that needs to be elaborated, perhaps. But it was a good read nonetheless.

If you're feeling bored could you please check out my latest piece? Here's a link incase you are, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1189879

Last edited by Bleed Away at Aug 28, 2009,
#6
Quote by AngryGoldfish
Thank you both.


edit:...........





You have the same avatar as a friend of mine on here!!








Die bitch!



I know, jesus, i almost had a heart attack. I didn't read the name and just saw the avatar and thought i'd been posting without realising>.>

On the piece, all I have to say is I was really enjoying this, and following everything except for the last lines of both stanzas, which just left me feeling a bit confused at the end.
#7
Quote by AngryGoldfish
The children on stage look ghostly,
like lucid toys caged inside a shop lift. Holy imagery, Batman! Two lines in and I already like the wording. Nice use of simile.
Their tricks try to raise a smile,
but the teeth soon feel dull against my chest. The same sort of vivid picture. You manage to put the reader into the world without even describing it fully.

The room shudders in the morning breeze,
and the sceptics in the audience move with it. Bit lacking. Not sure why as this should be a nice little continuation of the previous picture. Perhaps the "morning breeze" broke it up. Don't know.
And though I can still see through the clouds,
pendant overhead, something doesn't quite feel right.
I'm still in one piece, but is the box?I wanted to like this ending, I really did, and part of me actually does, but the final line seems too much like an unfinished question and that bugs me. Still, I can't complain. Nice use of the word "pendant".


Overall, first stanza was better.
Ideas flowed, stuff connected, the whole thing made sense.
Nothing to nit-pick overall as it is a very nice piece, quirky and thought-provoking.

If you'd like to return some critique, here's one of mine: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=21403384
#8
Quote by AngryGoldfish
The children on stage look ghostly,
like lucid toys caged inside a shop lift.
Their tricks try to raise a smile,
but the teeth soon feel dull against my chest.

The room shudders in the morning breeze, I felt like "morning breeze" introduced here was an unrelated element that didn't fit in or enchance the imagery.
and the sceptics in the audience move with it.
And though I can still see through the clouds,
pendant overhead, something doesn't quite feel right.
I'm still in one piece, but is the box?


the last line, made it clear to me that this was likely taking place as an on-stage magic trick (the saw-in the box thing), giving the first two lines a different light, instead of them being literally ghostly they are just wearing costume and garb. Clever.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#9
Quote by AngryGoldfish
The children on stage look ghostly,
like lucid toys caged inside a shop lift.
shop lift?
Their tricks try to raise a smile,
but the teeth soon feel dull against my chest.
seems here like you wanted to use 'their' again on this line but couldn't and so went for the easy option rather than rephasing so it can be perfect. It doesn't have the full effect this way

The room shudders in the morning breeze,
and the sceptics in the audience move with it.
'sceptics' is too much, I feel. The piece has a cold tone and that brings it over more than this brash statement does. Maybe a phrasing like 'the few of us' but obviously more thought about would work better?
And though I can still see through the clouds,
pendant overhead, something doesn't quite feel right.
'pendant overhead' has too much pause before it, with the line break and the comma, to make it feel fully connected to 'through the clouds'
I'm still in one piece, but is the box?
I have no idea what you're talking about, now Magic, what? Why would kids be doing that in what seems to be set as a school play? You've not given me enough information to make a connection


good phrasings, bad phrasings, good feelings, bad feelings.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
This is hurting my brain somewhat....
I feel like you're getting at a very very deep down thought, one of those you don't really realize you're having, but still shape your perception of the things around you. I feel like the last line is the culmination of that thought, the rest of the piece is the background to define it.

AHA!

>.>
<.<

I think I just got it.
Anyways, things I didn't like..
"lucid toys": this seemed like a willfully perverse description, or maybe something you came up with off the top of your head and didn't really think about. The combination of those two words doesn't hold any significance for me, although separately the both work in the piece. In any case, it made me pause and look at it, instead of enjoying the whole thing at an even pace.
I thought it moved from the second-to-last line to the last line far too fast. I really would have liked a line break there, to add weight to the last line. But that might just be my own style talking.

Katherine said the rest of the good stuff. Really good to read from you again, I haven't been reading pieces lately, but this really made my night