#1
First song written while in college. Hope I haven't gone too astray with my writing.


Who Said That All Medicine Cured Illnesses? Pt.1

A sudden moment creates awkward tension
She’s standing here begging to be taken away
Sadly, she’s left with an imperfect antidote

She catches a faint voice
Assuring her things will be fine

“The imperfection will only spread
Through corrupted individuals”

The amenable affliction transitions
She stumbles and searches for a place to calm down
Unaware her mind created an empty space

She leaves her body
Wandering aimlessly
Her abandoned eyes close
Leaving a hollow frame
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
Last edited by gavincandance at Aug 29, 2009,
#2
I hesitated to be the first post, because I don't really have a full interpretation of it all yet, but I'll tell you what I got.

I love the ending,

"She leaves her body
Wandering aimlessly
Her abandoned eyes close
Leaving a hollow frame"

It gives the audience the feeling that she is so confused/distraught/hurt whatever, that she retreats from her body and just leaves. Like she is saying "It's not right for me at the moment. I'll just leave for a while", and just goes away to comfort herself and forget about everything.

Now that I look at it again, I think it's about dying. "begging to be taken away", as in taken away from whatever pain she's in that's not worth it any more.

Overall it's a nice piece with what I think has a nice flow and structure. One thing that I would change is turning the second line into two lines, and changing "here" to "there" because it just makes more sense to me. like this:

"She’s standing there
begging to be taken away"

The separation makes more impact I think. It's a little more agonising. Agonising might be a bit strong, but I can't think of anything else.

It's very interesting though, good job.
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Maybe the price tag is clouding your judgment ?
yeah probably. Or the circuits.
#3
[quote="gavincandance

A sudden moment creates awkward tension
She’s standing here begging to be taken away
Sadly, she’s left with an imperfect antidote

Really good start, i loved the last line.


She catches a faint voice
Assuring her things will be fine

“The imperfection will only spread
Through corrupted individuals”

Good, but i didnt fully understand the last two lines. Maybe tis because of my vocabulary, but yeah, still very good.


The amenable affliction transitions
She stumbles and searches for a place to calm down
Unaware her mind created an empty space

She leaves her body
Wandering aimlessly
Her abandoned eyes close
Leaving a hollow frame

Last four lines are beautiful. Perfectly written and just takes you right into it. Fantastic.




Overall, amazing poem. Loved the title, loved the body and everything about it. Cheers
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

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This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#4
Quote by gavincandance
First song written while in college. Hope I haven't gone too astray with my writing.


Who Said That All Medicine Cured Illnesses? Pt.1

A sudden moment creates awkward tension
She’s standing here begging to be taken away
Sadly, she’s left with an imperfect antidote

Sets the scene well, liking it.

She catches a faint voice
Assuring her things will be fine

I feel like this part is missing something, but I see what you are going for, well done

“The imperfection will only spread
Through corrupted individuals”

Love it.

The amenable affliction transitions
She stumbles and searches for a place to calm down
Unaware her mind created an empty space

This part is really ominous, I love the first line.

She leaves her body
Wandering aimlessly
Her abandoned eyes close
Leaving a hollow frame

Awesome ending.


C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1191546
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Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
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Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#5
Quote by PussyPunk182
Now that I look at it again, I think it's about dying. "begging to be taken away", as in taken away from whatever pain she's in that's not worth it any more.


hmm, this is a very interesting idea i didn't really see. i'm not going to say it isn't about "death", because everyone has their own interpretations, but it wasn't my intention. it's still an interesting way to look at this piece.

Quote by PussyPunk182
Overall it's a nice piece with what I think has a nice flow and structure. One thing that I would change is turning the second line into two lines, and changing "here" to "there" because it just makes more sense to me. like this:

"She’s standing there
begging to be taken away"

The separation makes more impact I think. It's a little more agonising. Agonising might be a bit strong, but I can't think of anything else.


the main reason i used the word "here" is because it's an ongoing process / conversation between a protagonist and antagonist. thank you for the suggestion, though.

Quote by PussyPunk182
i love the ending

Quote by The-Trooper94
Last four lines are beautiful. Perfectly written and just takes you right into it. Fantastic.

Quote by Wulphy
Awesome ending.

thank you very much
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#6
Quote by gavincandance
First song written while in college. Hope I haven't gone too astray with my writing.


Who Said That All Medicine Cured Illnesses? Pt.1

A sudden moment creates awkward tension
She’s standing here begging to be taken away
Sadly, she’s left with an imperfect antidote

So she isn't taken away? Is she asking to be killed? And is being left an imperfect antidote a method of fulfilling her wishes? Or is the antidote to her pain, simply, her death, in which case she isn't killed?

She catches a faint voice
Assuring her things will be fine

“The imperfection will only spread
Through corrupted individuals”

So she isn't corrupted? Is this imperfection the disease? Or is the imperfection just life?

The amenable affliction transitions
She stumbles and searches for a place to calm down
Unaware her mind created an empty space

She leaves her body
Wandering aimlessly
Her abandoned eyes close
Leaving a hollow frame


So she dies at the end. So did she want to die? Was death the cure?

I like it, but there are so many open-ended questions for me. It's very open to interpretation.

Crit? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1191690
#7
Quote by mamosa
So she isn't taken away? Is she asking to be killed? And is being left an imperfect antidote a method of fulfilling her wishes? Or is the antidote to her pain, simply, her death, in which case she isn't killed?

i wouldn't say killed, but if you'd interpret it that way, it could. what i intended was that this "awkward tension" makes her want to be "taken away". the "imperfect antidote" is a solution, but of course it is flawed. she is basically left with a decision of taking this possibly harmful "solution" or endure the "awkward tension".

Quote by mamosa
So she isn't corrupted? Is this imperfection the disease? Or is the imperfection just life?

the antidote can either spread imperfection through corrupted individuals, or cure an "illness" through 'pure' individuals. she takes the antidote as stated in the 4th stanza about her "stumbl[ing] and search[ing] for a place to calm down".

Quote by mamosa
So she dies at the end. So did she want to die? Was death the cure?

i didn't intend for her to die, but many people are interpreting that.this song is part of a 2-part series. the ending just indicates that she "left her body" figuratively speaking, of course.

i could explain the meaning, but i'd rather not. like you said, it's open to interpretation. thanks for your comments, and i've already went and crit'd your piece.
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#8
I actually like that this piece is so subjective and open to interpretation, but if you're planning on making this a series and want to lead the readers in a certain direction, this is a bad thing. Because people will see what they want to see, and if there is a leading point in this that we should see to fully understand the next part, people won't necessarily get what you want them to get.

Just some friendly advice.
#9
Quote by mamosa
I actually like that this piece is so subjective and open to interpretation, but if you're planning on making this a series and want to lead the readers in a certain direction, this is a bad thing. Because people will see what they want to see, and if there is a leading point in this that we should see to fully understand the next part, people won't necessarily get what you want them to get.

Just some friendly advice.


i'm not actually trying to lead readers into any certain direction, really. this song and the next one i will write are independent but related enough to have a connection. i'm trying not to make it so that you have to know both songs to get the theme. i see this song as both an independent story that indulges the audience in its meaning, and then further carrying the audience to the same meaning in the second song without causing the audience to get more confused, less confused, etc.

thank you very much for your comment, though, i appreciate it.

edit : usually i place metaphors throughout my song and even the title itself to allude to a different idea.
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
Last edited by gavincandance at Aug 31, 2009,
#10
Quote by gavincandance
First song written while in college. Hope I haven't gone too astray with my writing.


Who Said That All Medicine Cured Illnesses? Pt.1

A sudden moment creates awkward tension
She’s standing here begging to be taken away
Sadly, she’s left with an imperfect antidote

This is a good start to the poem

She catches a faint voice
Assuring her things will be fine
“The imperfection will only spread
Through corrupted individuals”

Somehow this line sounds too mundane to me

The amenable affliction transitions
She stumbles and searches for a place to calm down
Unaware her mind created an empty space

This part works really well.

She leaves her body
Wandering aimlessly
Her abandoned eyes close
Leaving a hollow frame


Good ending too. It's easy to picture this inside ones head


Overall i liked it. Maybe i would've liked to see more metaphors so the poem would leave a more cryptic feeling. It flows well and you got the message across really well.