#1
Like feathers from our wings,
layed out upon the ground,
as each one hit the surface,
the land trembled with its sound.

And the birds flew from their nests,
confused with what did occur,
and the skys darkened with anguish,
and the stars seemed to blur,

As we fell from such a great height,
the tree tops could not compare,
as the oxygen flew past our faces,
and our bodies filled up with scare,

innabitions drowned in sorrow,
as the dull fate was force-fed,
and if I had kept my mouth shut,
I'd still be lying in your warm bed,

and im so,
confused,
it's un real,
when you cant'
understand,
how you feel,

we took the road that twirled round mountains,
so we could get a better view,
of the lights and lives and familys,
and the things that felt so new,

and the photos like pure nostalgia,
of when your lips felt like cocaine,
and when life was black and white,
and vibrant colours when you came,

and I saw you with such beauty,
but there was something that had changed,
when your life had become like petrol,
and I was the open flame,

Everything had just become stagnant,
and I tried to break constraints,
I tried to make it better,
so I cut off all the pain.

and I'm so,
confused,
it's unreal,
when you can't
understand,
how you feel,


The genre of this piece is kind of like a simplified "Explosions in the sky" (The band) with vocals. By this I mean, my band tries to be atmospheric and overall quite powerful/ uplifting . Any critique would be really helpful, thanks .

Also: I'm wicked new to this, so sorry if I have violated any rules
Quote by WtrPlyr
Quote by alans056
Maybe the price tag is clouding your judgment ?
yeah probably. Or the circuits.
#3
Thank you very much, that's quite the compliment
Quote by WtrPlyr
Quote by alans056
Maybe the price tag is clouding your judgment ?
yeah probably. Or the circuits.
#4
Quote by PussyPunk182
Like feathers from our wings,
layed out upon the ground,
as each one hit the surface,
the land trembled with its sound.
This was weird. You started it off with a simile, but didn't state what the simile was for. To me, this piece either needs to be incredibly complicated with a graceful lineament that permeates throughout. Or, straight up simplicity. Fluid and with direct rhymes. This hits the middle. I've read the piece a number of times now, and it seems lost in the ground between lyrics and poetry. Blurring the two can often work out wonderfully, but it can also work out less wonderfully. Apart from the "like" at the beginning, this had an admirable calmness to it.


And the birds flew from their nests,
confused with what did occur,
and the skys darkened with anguish,
and the stars seemed to blur,
"did" in the second line was ugly. Once again, it feels like you using methodical elements and processes to make a point, yet don't stick with them. Which in turn, makes them unbelievable and misplaced... almost unintentional. The two "and's" were also irksome.

As we fell from such a great height,
the tree tops could not compare,
as the oxygen flew past our faces,
and our bodies filled up with scare,
This had a really unique quality to it. The piece is starting to inhibit a stance -- even though it's still weak and unpersuasive. "filled up with scare" was too weird. I like it on it's own, but because of it's oddity, it seems forced in the context.


innabitions drowned in sorrow,
as the dull fate was force-fed,
and if I had kept my mouth shut,
I'd still be lying in your warm bed,
"innhabitions" and "sorrow" felt perculiar in this verse -- I think you need to spell-check, as well. Some of them seem off to me -- Using particularly potent words like that doesn't coincide well with the simple rhyming scheme. In my eyes, anyway. It's disturbing (the piece has a disturbing theme underlying it) but maybe not quite enough for it to be useful?

and im so,
confused,
it's un real,
when you cant'
understand,
how you feel,
Once again, your voice is so separate from your rhyming scheme. It's growing on me.


we took the road that twirled round mountains,
so we could get a better view,
of the lights and lives and familys,
and the things that felt so new,
The first line, like others in this poem/song, feel entirely unique from the remaining lines. It's very, very interesting writing.


and the photos like pure nostalgia,
of when your lips felt like cocaine,
and when life was black and white,
and vibrant colours when you came,
"when you came"... as in a woman's emission...? Or, when she actually visits?
Because of the confusion, this was a really 'evil' verse that helped the tone become more steady in it's unsteadiness.


and I saw you with such beauty,
but there was something that had changed,
when your life had become like petrol,
and I was the open flame,
I like the way this verse links with the preceding verse. This piece lacks a certain link between each verse. Not enough to be irritating, but enough to be noticeable. Really nice writing and analogy.

Everything had just become stagnant,
and I tried to break constraints,
I tried to make it better,
so I cut off all the pain.
Nice internal rhyming.

and I'm so,
confused,
it's unreal,
when you can't
understand,
how you feel,

A solid way to end this.

The genre of this piece is kind of like a simplified "Explosions in the sky" (The band) with vocals. By this I mean, my band tries to be atmospheric and overall quite powerful/ uplifting . Any critique would be really helpful, thanks .

Also: I'm wicked new to this, so sorry if I have violated any rules


This was a truly eclectic and dark read. It get the impression, though, that that wasn't your aim. You wanted to actually write a sweet tale of love, and the confusing elements of it. But it kinda turned out more like a serial killers memoir. For that, this was a fucking good read. It took a long time to get going, but once it did, it was gloriously depraved and wicked.

Thanks your comment on my piece. Welcome!