#1
Please give me your thoughts on this one, I'll critique yours if you critique mine. Thanks.


An Ode to the Fire


Verse
The lonely choir singing higher
To the tone of a rising fire
The silent cries of the dying martyr
Burning on his deathbed pyre

Victimized and terrorized
We cannot see through these bloodied eyes
That masks the stench of your disguise
Stalking through these darkest nights

Chorus
So untie these binds that blind our minds
And let us carve through our own paths of time
Don’t feel so inclined to leave us deaf and blind
We’ll be fine, trust in you and I

Verse
Violence spreads like a wild fire
Setting the world ablaze for miles
Hanging on the thinnest wire
Strewn by the charlatans and liars

Mistrustfulness and deceit
Is the new fashion of the weak
Judge us not by what you see
But by the silence that we speak

Chorus
So untie these binds that blind our minds
And let us carve through our own paths of time
Don’t feel so inclined to leave us deaf and blind
We’ll be fine, trust in you and I
#2
I like it, but the attempt to rhyme is too much. It started sounding to planned, and tried, and what not instead of from the heart.
RIP Terje (Valfar) Bakken
#4
Rhyme isn't that bad. I find that rhyme often works in a metal situation with quickly delivered harsh vocals.
#5
Ooooh, me like.

Violence spreads like a wild fire
Setting the world ablaze for miles
Hanging on the thinnest wire
Strewn by the charlatans and liars.

Way built!
#6
just an honest opinion
where you mention the "world ablaze for miles", you're already using a distance reference, "the world", so putting in "the world ablaze for miles" almost contradicts itself. i would put hours instead of miles. other than that very good imagery
#7
Quote by The_Roth_KungFu
Please give me your thoughts on this one, I'll critique yours if you critique mine. Thanks.


An Ode to the Fire


Verse
The lonely choir singing higher
To the tone of a rising fire
The silent cries of the dying martyr
Burning on his deathbed pyre

Were you trying to rhyme "martyr"? If so, it doesn't work. But not a bad verse.

Victimized and terrorized
We cannot see through these bloodied eyes
That masks the stench of your disguise
Stalking through these darkest nights

Still good. It obviously shows us who's right and who's wrong here, but we don't know WHO it is.


Chorus
So untie these binds that blind our minds
And let us carve through our own paths of time
Flow is off.
Don’t feel so inclined to leave us deaf and blind
We’ll be fine, trust in you and I
Awkward attempts to rhyme result in failure.

Verse
Violence spreads like a wild fire
Setting the world ablaze for miles
Hanging on the thinnest wire
Strewn by the charlatans and liars

I dislike this verse a lot.

Mistrustfulness and deceit
Is the new fashion of the weak
Judge us not by what you see
But by the silence that we speak

The word is "distrust". And you seem to go for mysticism, what with the "silence that we speak" as well as other parts. When the loose ends get tied up well, that makes for a beautiful poem. If not done well, it fails. I see no tied ends. This mysticism ain't working.

Chorus
So untie these binds that blind our minds
And let us carve through our own paths of time
Don’t feel so inclined to leave us deaf and blind
We’ll be fine, trust in you and I


Meh. If you tied up the loose ends it'd be better.

Crit? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1191690