#1
I never noticed
how soothing the soft
and gentle waning
of the willow tree
really was.

As I sit against it's body
my bloodstained hands
fighting for control
over my panic stricken mind.
and so the willow waits.

Looking back into my memory
I find some kind of odd
pleasure, in the screams
of the bastard
who stains my hands.

Reliving each second to a point
reveling in each slow,
meticulous cut.
watching the feeling trickle out
as if he was human.

Yet the deeper I cut
the more he taunted me.
memories I had put away,
for safe keeping,
forced back into my mind.

In a panic, now, slicing
indecisively, instinctively,
and I scream in pain, too.
the blood pools at my knees
and I know I have won.

But as I look down,
I am alone,
covered in lacerations.
And I smile,
as the willow tree sings me to sleep.
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#2
At first it was cool... then the self mutiilation started and I lost all interest and had to stop reading. Pretty morbid and grotesque, but hey! if that's what you're going for... by all means.
#3
nice allusions to vaguely described events with empty willow tree metaphor write, man
#4
Quote by CLIFF_BURTON
At first it was cool... then the self mutiilation started and I lost all interest and had to stop reading. Pretty morbid and grotesque, but hey! if that's what you're going for... by all means.


I guess it takes a special kind of person
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#5
Quote by Wulphy
I never noticed
how soothing the soft
and gentle waning
of the willow tree
really was.

Line breaks are fantastic, good imagery, good start

As I sit against its body
my bloodstained hands
fighting for control
over my panic stricken mind.
and so the willow waits.

And the first hint of ominousness begins... very nice continuation, this is starting to get personal. One correction - should be "its" in the first line. Also perhaps add "are" to the end of the second line or to the beginning of the third.

Looking back into my memory
I find some kind of odd
pleasure, in the screams
of the bastard
who stains my hands.

You're on fire with the line breaks. This gets even more interesting. Perhaps tune up the first line as it felt a bit weak.

Reliving each second to a point
reveling in each slow,
meticulous cut.
watching the feeling trickle out
as if he was human.

Personification is fantastic. Lord, the "he" in the last line is amazing. Nice word play with "reliving" and "reveling" as well as the use of the word "point".

Yet the deeper I cut
the more he taunted me.
memories I had put away,
for safe keeping,
forced back into my mind.

Weaker. Simply due to the language, there is still progression and this still works. Just fix some of the weaker lines like line 3.

In a panic, now, slicing
indecisively, instinctively,
and I scream in pain, too.
the blood pools at my knees
and I know I have won.

A strange little paradox that closes this one off nicely. The meter shift is jarring and unsettling here; perfect.

But as I look down,
I am alone,
covered in lacerations.
And I smile,
as the willow tree sings me to sleep.

And it winds down. Strong meter change to the finish.


Overall, the highlight of this is for sure the way you manage to use the meter to change how the piece feels.
Word choices were pretty good, the middle paragraph perhaps a bit weak, but altogether nice.
The point of the whole piece rather hammered itself in, but this is not something that speaks in a subtle way. It feels personal and hard-hitting, and that is the way it's conveyed, which suits it.
Nice job.

If you'd like to leave some critique on something of mine, here's a link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=21403384
#7
Quote by raincoffin
Overall, the highlight of this is for sure the way you manage to use the meter to change how the piece feels.
Word choices were pretty good, the middle paragraph perhaps a bit weak, but altogether nice.
The point of the whole piece rather hammered itself in, but this is not something that speaks in a subtle way. It feels personal and hard-hitting, and that is the way it's conveyed, which suits it.
Nice job.

If you'd like to leave some critique on something of mine, here's a link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=21403384


Thanks for the crit, man

I'll crit yours as soon as I get back from work.
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah