#1
Its 4:13 , so why am I still awake?
Hallucinations of a younger self, dancing across a lake
A look at the better times where things were much easier
But to be honest, all those sleeping pills I took are starting to make me feel uneasy
How can a couple, ok, a lot of pills, change someone’s perspective so much?
Seeing and hearing everything, but losing all sense of touch
A crazed memory to a ****ed up childhood is all I can remember
And it takes me back to a gloomy December
Where the snow felt like ashes and the cold tore me apart
And every icicle I saw I wish I could stab through my heart
And suddenly I start to feel, yes, actually feel a teardrop trickling down my cheek
And it brings me back to a memory of my dad hitting me and calling me a freak
And all of a sudden I’m right back to square one
I didn’t ask for these pills to do this to me, and I’m wishing the effects are almost done
I’m grabbing my hair and reaching for my gun
But I’ll relax, let my demons get the best of me tonight
Everything will be clearer in the morning


c4c
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#2
Quote by The-Trooper94
Its 4:13 , so why am I still awake?
interesting time, i would like to know it's importance.
Hallucinations of a younger self, dancing across a lake
this is the only real line that i felt didn't belong in the song. it's a great line by itself, but the way it doesn't fit in the song is because it doesn't seem like the narrator is saying this. every other line in this song seems like a quote, but this seems more like a statement / comment, not dialogue.
A look at the better times where things were much easier
But to be honest, all those sleeping pills I took are starting to make me feel uneasy
How can a couple, ok, a lot of pills, change someone’s perspective so much?
i like this line. it states that the narrator isn't completely delusional and still has a grip on him/herself.
Seeing and hearing everything, but losing all sense of touch
A crazed memory to a ****ed up childhood is all I can remember
And it takes me back to a gloomy December
Where the snow felt like ashes and the cold tore me apart
And every icicle I saw I wish I could stab through my heart
And suddenly I start to feel, yes, actually feel a teardrop trickling down my cheek
i thought you already lost all sense of touch? or is the narrator suddenly getting it all back after recollecting this memory?
And it brings me back to a memory of my dad hitting me and calling me a freak
And all of a sudden I’m right back to square one
I didn’t ask for these pills to do this to me, and I’m wishing the effects are almost done
I’m grabbing my hair and reaching for my gun
But I’ll relax, let my demons get the best of me tonight
i would put a conjunction rather than a comma between "relax" and "let" to help the piece flow better.
Everything will be clearer in the morning
not to sound like a dick, but isn't it technically morning, unless he woke up at 4:13 p.m.?


overall, an interesting piece that had a good flow for the most part. i like how you transitioned into expressing anger throughout this piece, it worked well. i also enjoyed the theme and how it wasn't intentionally suicidal, but lingered along those ideas. great job.

c4c? here's my piece
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#3
thanks for the crit bro.
thanks for the tips
ill do up yours now
cheers.
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#4
Quote by The-Trooper94
Its 4:13 , so why am I still awake?
How can a couple, ok, a lot of pills, change someone’s perspective so much?


I like the overall tone of this poem/song. It demonstrated a perfect example of human fallacies. However, I really don't like the particular sentence that I quoted. It definitely seems to break the rhythm.

If you have the time, can you crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1191851
Gear:

St. Blues Bluesmaster IV
Vox AC4- ah-mazing lil amp
Roland Micro Cube- 1st amp... pretty crappy
a whole lotta picks

Am I the only one who has WON
THE GAME?

#5
Quote by The-Trooper94
Its 4:13 , so why am I still awake?
Hallucinations of a younger self, dancing across a lake
It seems like you put the lake here just to rhyme. I don't like it.
A look at the better times where things were much easier
But to be honest, all those sleeping pills I took are starting to make me feel uneasy
How can a couple, ok, a lot of pills, change someone’s perspective so much?
Seeing and hearing everything, but losing all sense of touch
Another forced rhyme...
A crazed memory to a ****ed up childhood is all I can remember
And it takes me back to a gloomy December
Where the snow felt like ashes and the cold tore me apart
And every icicle I saw I wish I could stab through my heart Take out the "I" before could. So it makes grammatical sense.
And suddenly I start to feel, yes, actually feel a teardrop trickling down my cheek
And it brings me back to a memory of my dad hitting me and calling me a freak
And all of a sudden I’m right back to square one
I didn’t ask for these pills to do this to me, and I’m wishing the effects are almost done
I’m grabbing my hair and reaching for my gun
But I’ll relax, let my demons get the best of me tonight
Everything will be clearer in the morning


c4c


I'm sorry, but I didn't like it that much. Fixed up it'd be a lot better. I feel you could use more line breaks and less of a conversational tone.

Please crit: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1191690
#6
Its 4:13 , so why am I still awake?
Hallucinations of a younger self, dancing across a lake
I think you need to expand on the 'lake' image or take it out altogether. Having a rhyme just for the sake of rhyming only detracts from the piece. However, if you can expound on it and make it a concrete image pertinent to your message, then I say keep it
A look at the better times where things were much easier
But to be honest, all those sleeping pills I took are starting to make me feel uneasy
How can a couple, ok, a lot of pills, change someone’s perspective so much?
Seeing and hearing everything, but losing all sense of touch
A crazed memory to a ****ed up childhood is all I can remember
And it takes me back to a gloomy December
Where the snow felt like ashes and the cold tore me apart
And every icicle I saw I wish I could stab through my heart
Maybe change this to 'every icicle I saw I wish could've stabbed through my heart'?
And suddenly I start to feel, yes, actually feel a teardrop trickling down my cheek
I liked how you reconnected 'losing your sense of touch' in prior lines to regaining it here as you feel a tear fall down your cheek. By reconnecting it, you're driving home an important theme to the piece
And it brings me back to a memory of my dad hitting me and calling me a freak
I didn't like the bluntness here. I think there can be a subtler way of saying this. Or, possibly, I think there could be a stronger way of saying this. I think if you find a more forceful word to use besides 'hitting' (which is kind of emotionless) then I think the line would be much better
And all of a sudden I’m right back to square one
I didn’t ask for these pills to do this to me, and I’m wishing the effects are almost done
I’m grabbing my hair and reaching for my gun
But I’ll relax, let my demons get the best of me tonight
Everything will be clearer in the morning
Solid ending. Nothing really to say there


Overall, I thought it was pretty good. It has so much potential and I think a few revisions here and there could do wonders for it. Thanks for commenting on mine, it was great reading yours.
here, My Dear, here it is