#1
Crit for crit.
Serious business.


Green haze -
staring through eyes pinned to
a wall poster of Electric Wizard
Fucked in the mind
by the wonderdrug
you've been taking shots from all evening.

Dull
and broken
as intellect suppurates
in stagnant juices.
Scorched lungs -
A dark side of the brain
to experiment with
natural chemicals
it's just a plant, man
totally natural stuff


And I watch
the lost wisdom falling
with the water level in the glass
mainly
because the fucking room won't stop moving

i'm dealing with it
even if that means
frying your skull with a plant someone said was harmless
#2
Quote by raincoffin
Crit for crit.
Serious business.


Green haze -
staring through eyes pinned to
a wall poster of Electric Wizard
Fucked in the mind
by the wonderdrug
you've been taking shots from all evening.

I wasn't too fond of the line break after the second line as well as the line break after the second to last line. As far as the actual content is concerned, it felt quite disjointed; the scenery was a bit too obvious. Lines like "Fucked in the mind ", didn't really add anything to the overall atmosphere of the piece. You were telling and not showing, which is something you should try to keep in mind.

Dull
and broken
as intellect suppurates
in stagnant juices.
Scorched lungs -
A dark side of the brain
to experiment with
natural chemicals
it's just a plant, man
totally natural stuff


The line breaks were better here. I didn't like the fact that you used the word 'Dull', as a line. The word 'Suppurates' didn't fit well with the rest of the stanza; it hindered the overall flow.

And I watch
the lost wisdom falling
with the water level in the glass
mainly
because the fucking room won't stop moving

"Mainly" shouldn't be a line of its own. This desperately needs to be punctuated because the continuous line breaking made this read quite awkwardly and void of rhythm.

i'm dealing with it
even if that means
frying your skull with a plant someone said was harmless


Same as above.


Overall, this definitely wasn't a bad piece, but it wasn't a great one either. I know what you are trying to say and what you are trying to convey and emphasis, it just wasn't executed the way you intended. If you feel like it, maybe consider the advise from above, and I shall come back to this and give it another read.

If you are feeling bored: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1189879