#1
Hey guys, I'm back

C4C as always.

This is a song I just wrote. I think I kept the metaphor the whole time. Yes, it could probably be shorter, but.....

EDIT: Since I've had a problem with this in the past, please include in your comments your interpretation of the message I tried to send.
__________________

The old man sat down,
His face creased in a frown
As he pondered an issue
That kept bringing him down.

His refuge in the skies,
His business in lies,
As he manufactured the stories
That all truth defies.

As he typed from the heart
Fingers slightly apart
On a zodiac keyboard
He got from the flea mart.

And the old man he cries
When he looks to the skies
And he keeps wondering why
The next line he can’t find.

He cannot decide the tone
As he stifles a moan
He just doesn’t know what to write
Try as he might.

His question he yelled
As his lined face he held
Into his old haven
Where all the truths meld

“My, oh my, what should you be?
At the end of a sentence so orderly
Either a question mark or a period
Which punctuation mark for me?”
Last edited by mamosa at Aug 30, 2009,
#3
I think the rhyme scheme is just too uniform and consistent. In any other sense of the word, consistency is good, but it gets boring fast when you have the same rhyme scheme the whole time.

I also didn't like how you rhymed down twice in the first stanza.

Not much else other than that. From the looks of it, this could be a good song. If you wanna take a look at the piece in my sig, that would be awesome
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
I liked this alot. I agree with previous in that the two down rhymes in the first stanza bugged me, and at times some of the rhymes felt forced to... My other question is, why'd you change scheme in the fifth stanza? Seemed a bit jarring.

I really like the concept though. This could definitely be fleshed out into something awesome...

C4C? In my sig...
#6
Quote by mamosa
Any suggestions?


I enjoyed your piece immensely, and I love the concept behind it, but the scheme change in the 5th stanza kind of tinged the rest of the piece with a "wtf" backround attitude. Other than that, absolutely beautiful.

If you can get to it, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1191546, if not, no problem.
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#7
I think a little more background or structure to this would do some good. As it is, it feels a bit short: right as you get into it, it's over.

Then again, I'm pretty conventional with my song structuring, so...

(I love how there's like three people going around critiquing each other...)
#8
Quote by OverUnderOnward
I think a little more background or structure to this would do some good. As it is, it feels a bit short: right as you get into it, it's over.

Then again, I'm pretty conventional with my song structuring, so...

(I love how there's like three people going around critiquing each other...)


I was thinking the same thing
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#9
Quote by OverUnderOnward


(I love how there's like three people going around critiquing each other...)



Yeah, kind of unusual...
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#10
Quote by OverUnderOnward
I think a little more background or structure to this would do some good. As it is, it feels a bit short: right as you get into it, it's over.

Then again, I'm pretty conventional with my song structuring, so...

(I love how there's like three people going around critiquing each other...)


Well, I mean for this to be rather unconventional. There's no chorus, no set tune.

Plus, the last stanza is the whole point of the song. That's the entire message I want to send. And so there it will end. That will not change.
#13
That's just it. I assume there's a metaphor here, but for the life of me I can't determine what it is. I get that the old man is manufacturing lies and other such stories, but to what end I can't determine...

Apologies, but we're gonna have to continue this discussion tomorrow. Dunno about you guys, but where I am it's 1 a.m. Gnight all.
#14
i usually don't enjoy when a rhyme scheme is used as you did in your piece, but i thought it worked very well. i also like the fact that the last stanza sums up the piece as a whole and finishes it beautifully.

the only real stanza i didn't particularly like was the 5th stanza, only because the last line was very short and abrupt unlike the other finishing lines in the other stanzas. this, however, is purely based on syllable usage, i don't know if in the song you'll be extending the words / notes.

great song, excellent structure.
"take your form
be my fear, be my hope
be the indication
if i'm right or wrong

take your most dreadful form
and let it be known"
he provided assurance
#15
Quote by mamosa


The old man sat down,
His face creased in a frown
As he pondered an issue
That kept bringing him down.
Not bad of an intro.

His refuge in the skies,
His business in lies,
As he manufactured the stories
That all truth defies.
You said you wanted us to post what we thought the message was; so far, I'm seeing either he writes fiction or is a con-man.

As he typed from the heart
Fingers slightly apart
On a zodiac keyboard
He got from the flea mart.
The rhymes here just don't sit well with me. Other than that, I like it.

And the old man he cries
When he looks to the skies
And he keeps wondering why
The next line he can’t find.
Oh, writer's block. Again, I don't really like the rhyming. That might just be me thought; I like the message overall.

He cannot decide the tone
As he stifles a moan
He just doesn’t know what to write
Try as he might.
I like this.

His question he yelled
As his lined face he held
Into his old haven
Where all the truths meld
Not bad.

“My, oh my, what should you be?
At the end of a sentence so orderly
Either a question mark or a period
Which punctuation mark for me?”
???

Overall, I like this piece. The last stanza confuses me; is it that he just is unsure of the tone or mood of what he's writing, or that he has writer's block altogether?
#16
Oh ****. I've been unclear.

Okay. Hint time. My message is all contained in the last verse. It's a VERY hidden message. Think clearly.
#17
Quote by mamosa
Hey guys, I'm back

C4C as always.

This is a song I just wrote. I think I kept the metaphor the whole time. Yes, it could probably be shorter, but.....

EDIT: Since I've had a problem with this in the past, please include in your comments your interpretation of the message I tried to send.
__________________

The old man sat down,
His face creased in a frown
As he pondered an issue
That kept bringing him down.

Excellent beginning, though it sounds rather like a limerick, not sure if you wanted that.

His refuge in the skies,
His business in lies,
As he manufactured the stories
That all truth defies.

You just told me he had a business in lies, and then said it defied truth, I already knew that. I liked the general feeling of the stanza, though.

As he typed from the heart
Fingers slightly apart
On a zodiac keyboard
He got from the flea mart.

Loving this stanza, probably my favorite one.

And the old man he cries
When he looks to the skies
And he keeps wondering why
The next line he can’t find.

This limericky feeling is killing me, but I like the content.

He cannot decide the tone
As he stifles a moan
He just doesn’t know what to write
Try as he might.

This stanza doesn't really add anything to the poem, you already told me he didn't know what to write.

His question he yelled
As his lined face he held
Into his old haven
Where all the truths meld

Beautiful.

“My, oh my, what should you be?
At the end of a sentence so orderly
Either a question mark or a period
Which punctuation mark for me?”

Amazing wrap up of the poem.


I felt this piece reflected on "god" trying to make a decision of whether or not to give man free will, or to tell them what to do and think. That's how I pictured it, anyway.

(I don't even believe in god, and I saw it like that, kind of odd.)

Overall, a great piece.
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
Last edited by Wulphy at Aug 30, 2009,
#18

Closest yet. But still far off.

Another hint: the stanza you said doesn't add anything is actually a crucial setup for the last verse, where the whole message is contained.
#19
Quote by mamosa

Closest yet. But still far off.

Another hint: the stanza you said doesn't add anything is actually a crucial setup for the last verse, where the whole message is contained.


Hoh hoh hoh.

Something just popped into my head.

Is it about the word of god, and him not knowing whether to set it in stone or leave it up to interpretation?

EDIT: And you better still be here
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#20
Quote by Wulphy
Hoh hoh hoh.

Something just popped into my head.

Is it about the word of god, and him not knowing whether to set it in stone or leave it up to interpretation?

EDIT: And you better still be here


It isn't that either.
#21
Quote by mamosa
It isn't that either.


This is truly challenging, but I love that I have to look for the metaphor. I'll get back to you again after I think about it.
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#22
Quote by Wulphy
This is truly challenging, but I love that I have to look for the metaphor. I'll get back to you again after I think about it.


I PM'd it to you, but if you want to hunt for it, don't read my PM.
#23
If/when you come back online, mind sending it over to me too? I've been looking this over and over, and it's driving me nuts.

Gotta say though, this piece is growing on me. I maintain my position that it could do with some expansion or clarity, but I think you have to balance wanting people to grasp the metaphor versus maintaining the piece's "Infrastructure", for lack of a better word.

still though. Good stuff.
#25
Hey,

Blunt time.

To be frank, by the time I got to the end, I didn't give a **** at all what you were trying to say. The rhyming was like a child's book, predictable, easy, and frankly boring. None of your images pulled me in (what few there were), your diction was weak at best, and nothing about this engaged me. Nothing was developed, everything was a touch and go "surface" comment. You didn't delve into anything, you didn't explore anything. You simply said a line and moved on. There was no development or character to this piece. No personality. It was just words on a page, because it fails to engage the reader at all. Most of your comments have just been people guessing at the meaning because you told them there is a "deep one" in here. If you didn't say that... most people would immediately dismiss this as child's play. Forgive me for being so harsh, but this is just so underdeveloped that it doesn't display any talent you have for words and expressing yourself. There has to be more to Mamosa (amos, right?)... there has to be more to your thoughts than hidden meanings behind weakly developed characters and images... show us that. Delve deeper, bring truths to the surface through images and pulling at emotions. This was boring and safe. You can do more.