#1
We sit down and hold hands, exchanging playful looks and whispering something about giraffes, and not caring about the Old Couple in front of us and the Lady Behind Us. We don't even know what movie we are watching. Something about aliens, I think. But why does it matter? All that matters is that I am sitting here and that she is sitting a couple of inches to the left of me. So we ignore the lasers Old Couple are trying to stare straight through our foreheads and the disgruntled noises Lady Behind Us is making. I keep using her hair as a mustache, and she keeps laughing. It's like drinking sweet spring water that trickles down my throat and smothers my heart with every conceivable connotation of happiness.

But who has been her before? Too many people. Whose hand will this be in a couple of years, and what brand of shampoo will my mustache smell like then? I don't want a new hand to hold. I've already gotten used to the way her arms are too short for mine, and the little callus just below her left pinky that sometimes reminds me that she is human. But in a year or so, I won't remember her name or anything about her. She will just be another hand, yet another mustache that I have worn to the great disapproval of Lady Behind Us, who will also change. I'm kind of starting to like her, too.

She finally tells us to shut the fuck up and Old Couple seems to agree, so I start paying attention to the movie, just in time to see an alien start eating a miscellaneous soldier.

Just another human. Just another brain.

I wonder if that alien has ever had a mustache?
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Sep 25, 2009,
#2
So you shampoo your mustache?
Gear
Highway One Tele (w/Custom Shop 51 Nocaster pickups)
Standard Tele (modded to Nashville specs)
Reverend Roundhouse

Orange Rockerverb 50 MKI
Vox AC4c1
Jet City JCA20H

And pedals!



"Shiva opens her arms now..
...to make sure I don't get too far"
#3


Did you read it?
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
I'm pretty sure he doesn't shampoo is mustache.

Ganoosh, that one got me. It connected to right where I am right now, and it simply hit me. Thank you for the read, my friend.

EDIT: Mind checking out my piece? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1191546
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
Last edited by Wulphy at Aug 30, 2009,
#5
I like it. It's simple. Aside from the grammar mistakes, there's really not much you can change, since this is obviously a personal piece.

I prose
#6
Man, I don't even have a mustache.

Wulphy, I will take a look at that in a minute.

Mamosa, mind pointing out some of these mistakes? Por favor?
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
I agree with Wulphy. Liked this a lot. Very expressive and emotional, but it was really easy to connect with. I've felt the same way before, so I completely understand where the piece came from... Good read.
#8
Quote by Ganoosh
Man, I don't even have a mustache.


So why do you shampoo your mustache?

Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#9
Quote by Wulphy
So why do you shampoo your mustache?




Oh, bitch please.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#10
Quote by Ganoosh
Man, I don't even have a mustache.

Wulphy, I will take a look at that in a minute.

Mamosa, mind pointing out some of these mistakes? Por favor?


'Cos you asked.


We sit down and hold hands, exchanging playful looks and whispering something about giraffes, and not caring about the Old Couple in front of us and the Lady Behind Us. This is technically correct, but it doesn't flow so smoothly or sound all that good. We don't even know what movie we are watching. Something about aliens, I think. I wouldn't know; we bought tickets for the latest Disney masterpiece(failure). But why does it matter? All that matters is that I am sitting here and that she is sitting a couple of inches to the left of me. So we ignore the lasers Old Couple are trying to stare straight through our foreheads and the disgruntled noises Lady Behind Us is making, and I keep using her hair as a mustache, and she keeps laughing, and it's like drinking sweet spring water that trickles down my throat and smothers my heart with every conceivable connotation of happiness. Really bad run-on sentence. And try using some transitions once in a while, huh?

But who has been here before? Too many people. Fragment.Whos hand will this be in a couple of years, and what brand of shampoo will my mustache smell like then? I don't want a new hand to hold. I've already gotten used to the way her arms are too short for mine, and the little callus just below her left pinky that sometimes reminds me that she is human. Of course, it doesn't matter. In a year or so, I won't remember her name or anything about her. She will just be another hand, yet another mustache that I have worn to the great disapproval of Lady Behind Us, who will also change. I'm kind of starting to like her, too.

She finally tells us to shut the fuck up and Old Couple seems to agree, so I start paying attention to the movie, just in time to see an alien start eating a miscellaneous soldier.

Just another human. Just another brain.

I wonder if that alien has ever had a mustache?
#11
Thanks. I don't give a shit about the Fragment, or transitions. Make up your own transitions in your head.

The "her" wasn't a mistake.


I'm most definitely going to do something about that big ass sentence, and thanks for pointing out the Whos as well.


Muchos gracias.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#12
Oh. I thought you were trying for "here." It was an easy mistake for me to make! Shut up!
#13


Thanks again.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#14
Haha. I disagree with Mamosa (that's getting less and less surprising) about that first sentence being awkward: I actually rather liked it.

Godammit! Stop being so interesting! I need to go to bed! gnight all.
#15
Damn, this is just the type of thing I felt like reading. =)

You know how to clean this up, you know what to fix.

Disney masterpiece(failure)
I thought that was unnecessary
I don't want a new hand to hold.
this was terrible.
Of course, it doesn't matter. In a year or so, I won't remember her name or anything about her.
You get all worked up about losing her eventually and now you say don't care. heh. Seriously though, you'd remember her name and quite a few things.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#16
You have no idea how much I appreciate how honest you are in your crits. I think you are one of the few people that has said something like "this was terrible" to me, or at least put it that bluntly. Thank you.

I was going for more of a "realization" type thing than a "not caring". So I guess that "doesn't matter" screws it up.

I agree with the Disney thing as well. It was kind of a filler.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#17
Quote by Ganoosh
You have no idea how much I appreciate how honest you are in your crits. I think you are one of the few people that has said something like "this was terrible" to me, or at least put it that bluntly. Thank you.

I was going for more of a "realization" type thing than a "not caring". So I guess that "doesn't matter" screws it up.

I agree with the Disney thing as well. It was kind of a filler.


Morning Ganoosh
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#18
Morning.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#20
You're not supposed to have running conversations in these threads. I appreciate that you four (you know who you are) were all critiquing each others work last night, but some of the posts in here (ie. saying good morning) have no relation to the piece you wrote. Also a reply doesn't need to be made every time someone says something new in the thread.

From now on guys if you want to have a conversation then take it to the Community Thread or else use PMs.

That being said...

Good Morning!

#21
Quote by bassbeat77
*serious business*

That being said...

Good Morning!




I am sorry. I figured it was breaking some kind of rule but...meh.

*repents*


But at the same time, good morning.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#22
I enjoyed this (and read it because of the conversation, no matter how illegal it was brought to my attention that we have both recently written pieces involving mustaches). It's not perfect but I'm sure you can iron it out a bit, and I like it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#23
Definitely stick with prose, Ganoosh, you're soooo much more bareable

This was fun, clever, quirky and enjoyable.
#24
Quote by kdownes
you're soooo much more bareable




Well gee, thanks. My Poetrary Gland is insulted.

But for real, thanks. I'm definitely writing more prose now than I was. I can't just give up on poetry altogether, though. So you can still suffer a little bit.


And yeah DigUp, it seems that writing about mustaches is all the rage nowadays.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Aug 30, 2009,