#1
In flew the night with her flowing silk wings
brushing a veil over my eyes, sparkling and violet
a look into the cosmos
a look into the unattainable
the world around us that we are blind to see in the light

She holds my hand and leads me into places
where inhibition is secondary to impulse
impulse impulse impulse
his hand on my back and
mouth on my neck
it's okay, I cant see you at all.


the world's only my perception, oh
the world is only what I see
the night is only me, yeah
the night is only me
all I hear is my mind pounding and
your voice, a single soul
you're laying right beside me but
I'm certainly alone.


myehhh i don't like this as is but i don't really know what to do with it =/
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
This frustrated me.

It was inconsistent in how it was written. Not just the obvious change in the last stanza, but more subtle changes inside the first and second stanzas. The first stanza had more eye candy than content, although it did set the stage for everything else. The second stanza was more direct and driven, written in a quasi-stream-of-consciousness style which is used often around here. Then, the third stanza switches into what I thought of as a sing-along chant. I actually liked the last stanza the best but I'll get to that later. There was also a tense change between first and second stanzas which I didn't consciously notice but definitely detracted from the experience.

"sparkling and violet"
this description, in combination with the other adjectives used in the first two lines, didn't appeal to me at all. It seemed like an amateur and lazy way to get at what you mean, frankly. I know you can do better than that. Also:
"the world around us that we are blind to see in the light"
the phrasing here seemed awkward. I got what you meant when I read it through a second time, slowly, but out loud it was just clunky. I'm reluctant to be so arrogant as to suggest a replacement, but I think one could be found.

The second stanza as a whole didn't grab me. It didn't have any of the emotional impact it should have had, and again, I think a closer look and better attention to craftsmanship would have helped you out there.

The third stanza I really really liked. The extended pause, followed by the extreme change in style, worked very well imo. Also, it really tied together the whole thing for me. Now this is putting my balls out on the line a bit, but I'll offer my interpretation. The narrator is a narcissist, who is unable to connect to her (?) lover, and knows it. However, she succumbs to the desire (the night) and perpetuates a bad relationship.

So, overall: You could make this better by working on some things inside the stanzas, but I think its essential structure lacks the impact you want. I like the idea, but if I really wanted to work with it, I would tear the whole thing down and start again, maybe incorporating the singalong at the end.