#1
And it opens once again,
into the searing conflagration of suppressed feeling
that is his mind.

Denying it's existence,
it's simply special effects
and they're searching for higher ratings.

The outstretched hand is scalded,
forced back to its beholder
without a another hand to hold.

So the hero enters the realm alone,
without a hand to guide him
or a kind word to hold him up.

But our hero does not fare well,
in this boiling room of thought
it appears lonesomeness is flammable.

C4C as always.
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#2
Quote by Wulphy
And it opens once again,
into the searing conflagration of suppressed feeling
that is his mind.
Rather strange beginning, but catches the attention.

Denying it's existence,
it's simply special effects
and they're searching for higher ratings.
So-so, I don't see anything special here.

The outstretched hand is scalded,
forced back to its beholder
without a another hand to hold.
Not bad, but again, not feeling much from it.

So the hero enters the realm alone,
without a hand to guide him
or a kind word to hold him up.
I like this.

But our hero does not fare well,
in this boiling room of thought
it appears lonesomeness is flammable.
I like the conclusion; it ties together everything that was said in this one stanza; it gives each one purpose.

C4C as always.

I'm not sure what to say about this; I kind of like it, but I don't really feel much from it. I don't know, maybe I'm just missing it; I'd wait for more replies before taking what I said to heart.
#3
I felt like you knew what you were talking about, and felt that feeling deep enough to put it down to words. My problem with it is you sometimes let interesting words carry all the weight of a line, instead of making the whole line a string of words juxtaposed, and not necessarily interesting words. Just words that form an interesting image.

All I remember from the first stanza is "conflagration", for example, and the last stanza, describing lonesomeness as 'flammable' is like saying an apple is red, but using more coloful language. Maybe you could elaborate how exactly does lonesomeness catch fire, instead of just describing that it is flammable. Hope that makes sense.


I have a piece called 'conversation' in my sig if you'd like to crit it.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#4
Quote by Wulphy
And it opens once again,
into the searing conflagration of suppressed feeling
that is his mind.

I love the diction you use. And this opening is good. Vague enough to allow you to narrow it down until the focus.

Denying it's existence,
it's simply special effects
and they're searching for higher ratings.

There's a difference between "its" and "it's". You're using the wrong one. Same with "their" and "they're".
And you don't reveal who "it" is. The it that is the second word of this poem. It should become clearer, but really the poem continues along the vague path it was taking before. And this verse isn't even any better than the other one.


The outstretched hand is scalded,
forced back to its beholder
without a another hand to hold.

I don't like this verse at all, if I may speak candidly. When a hand is scalded, it is sent back to its owner, not its beholder. If you changed that, it would be better. But it is still entirely too vague.

So the hero enters the realm alone,
without a hand to guide him
or a kind word to hold him up.

Simple. It narrows it down until you're speaking about a character, not just vague, unspecified... things.

But our hero does not fare well,
in this boiling room of thought
it appears lonesomeness is flammable.

C4C as always.


The ending was stunning. But only with connection to the previous two verses. The first two do not add anything, as they are too vague to add substance and understanding. They need to be changed. The last three are beautiful!



PS- can you possibly give me another comment on my punctuation piece? But this time tell me what you thought the message was? Because I kind of tried to make it difficult to read. Thanks.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1191690
#5
Quote by mamosa
The ending was stunning. But only with connection to the previous two verses. The first two do not add anything, as they are too vague to add substance and understanding. They need to be changed. The last three are beautiful!



PS- can you possibly give me another comment on my punctuation piece? But this time tell me what you thought the message was? Because I kind of tried to make it difficult to read. Thanks.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1191690


Certainly, my friend. Thank you for the critique, and thank you for pointing out my mistakes.
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#7
The diction is all over the place, there are colloquialisms from every century it seems, stop trying to sound like a poet that is writing poetry. It's everyone's problem, no one writes like Homer anymore for good reason, write poetry how you speak or think, not how you expect poetry to sound.

Also, your enjambment is a bit lazy, just typical, make your line breaks more interesting, create pause, suspense, and drama just by where you seperate your lines. Use flow and form and function to your advantage by making it a part of the narrative, instead of obvious breaks, break a sentence in the middle for dramatic effect, drop a line, skip lines, make a line start in the middle of another line, there are no rules to break.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic