#1
C4C. I am unsure if I really like this piece and where, if indeed I should want, to go from here. Please give advice.


The old man weeps
As he surveys the streets
Near the home that he left behind
While the one that he loves
Watches from heaven above
And cries with the same salty tears

And those teardrops from heaven
Soak the man to the bone
As he yearns for the home
And the love he has known

He doesn’t yet know
Of the death of his love
But he feels she’s in a better place now

Happy instead of sad
Nostalgic not depressed
It’s quite curious what he feels
But maybe, just maybe
What he feels is real
And we’re all the selfish ones
Last edited by mamosa at Sep 1, 2009,
#2
Quote by mamosa
C4C. I am unsure if I really like this piece and where, if indeed I should want, to go from here. Please give advice.


The old man weeps
As he surveys the streets
Near the home that he left behind
While the one that he loves
Watches from heaven above
Also crying with the same salty tears

I love this intro, but I'm shaky on whether it was necessary to point out that the tears were salty.

And those raindrops from heaven
Soak the man to the bone
As he yearns for the home
And the one that he loved

I think stating that they were from heaven was a bad idea, but if you like it, I think you should say "teardrops" as oppose to "raindrops".

He doesn’t yet know
Of the death of his love
But he feels she’s in a better place now

Well, if he doesn't know she's dead, why is he yearning for her?

Happy instead of sad
Nostalgic not depressed
It’s quite curious what he feels
But maybe, just maybe
What he feels is real
And we’re all the selfish ones

That was an amazing ending.


Your work always impresses me, mamosa. I loved this piece, maybe a few things here and there bugged me. Mind checking out my new piece?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1192319
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#3
Quote by mamosa
C4C. I am unsure if I really like this piece and where, if indeed I should want, to go from here. Please give advice.


The old man weeps
As he surveys the streets
Near the home that he left behind
While the one that he loves
Watches from heaven above
Also crying with the same salty tears
Disagree with Wulphy here: I like the salty tears imagery. Kinda brings the reader into the scene.

And those raindrops from heaven
Soak the man to the bone
As he yearns for the home
And the one that he loved
On a roll here.

He doesn’t yet know
Of the death of his love
But he feels she’s in a better place now
Meh. This sort of confused me... He feels she's in a better place, but doesn't know of her death? I suppose it's plausible, but it seems like sort of a stretch.

Happy instead of sad
Nostalgic not depressed
It’s quite curious what he feels
But maybe, just maybe
What he feels is real
And we’re all the selfish ones
Tied it together really well. Ending made the whole thing



I could definitely envision this as some kind of accoustic thing.

Or some kind of beatnik poetry. Your call.

... Can I save that C4C? We've already discussed the hell out of my only composition. (damn, you guys are prolific)
#4
My shtick here is that she's dead. He was forced to leave for some reason and is therefore unaware of her passing. But he feels something that tells him she's in a better place, while she is watching him, moved by his emotion, which is caused by her.
#5
Quote by mamosa
C4C. I am unsure if I really like this piece and where, if indeed I should want, to go from here. Please give advice.


The old man weeps
As he surveys the streets
Near the home that he left behind
While the one that he loves
Watches from heavens above
Also crying with the same salty tears
I'm not sure if what you were doing was intentional, but I liked how a majority of the words here all ended in an "s"

And those tear drops from heaven
Soak the man to the bone
As he yearns for the home
And the one that he loved
As mentioned before, I think teardrops would sound bettter here. Also, think about replacing that last line with "And the love he has known"

He doesn’t yet know
Of the death of his love
But he feels she’s in a better place now
I just don't like this last line. It gives of a weird vibe: He doesn't know of her death, but know's she's in heaven?

Happy instead of sad
Nostalgic not depressed
It’s quite curious what he feels
But maybe, just maybe
What he feels is real
And we’re all the selfish ones
Love the ending


My comments are in bold. Feel free to use them in any way you'd like
#6
I'm going to change the teardrops part. Fa sho. But my point is the bond of love. How even though he doesn't know what happened to her, he somehow feels she's in a better place. And he doesn't necessarily know she's dead. It's meant to give off a weird vibe.

And the love he has known is good. I'll change that too.
#7
Quote by mamosa
C4C. I am unsure if I really like this piece and where, if indeed I should want, to go from here. Please give advice.


The old man weeps
As he surveys the streets
Near the home that he left behind
While the one that he loves
Watches from heaven above
Also crying with the same salty tears
Sets the scene well. I think the word "also" is unnecessary because you say that she's crying "the same" salty tears. Seems like you're saying the same thing twice to me.

And those teardrops from heaven
Soak the man to the bone
As he yearns for the home
And the love he has known
Perfect. Nothing at all wrong with this part.

He doesn’t yet know
Of the death of his love
But he feels she’s in a better place now
I don't know what everyone else is talking about; I understood what you were saying just fine. Like that feeling you get when you know something big has happened, even though you don't really know about it.

Happy instead of sad
Nostalgic not depressed
It’s quite curious what he feels
But maybe, just maybe
What he feels is real
And we’re all the selfish ones
Absolutely perfect ending to an amazing piece.


I enjoyed this very much. You're an amazing writer.
#8
Without reading the other critiques yet, here goes. I'm gonna do my best to be concise and in-depth, because you helped me a lot.

Quote by mamosa

The old man weeps
As he surveys the streets
Near the home that he left behind
While the one that he loves
Watches from heaven above
Crying with the same salty tears

Straight off the bat, I enjoyed the first rhyme. I don't know how strict you're aiming to be with the length of this piece or the construction of the stanzas, but an expansion (even a short one) after 'the home that he left behind', could add a really powerful backstory to this, and give the reader more to sink his/her teeth into - it would construct his character more strongly, and while I know you're focusing more on the issue throughout the piece, I think adding... well, character to the characters would benefit. For all I know, he could have ditched his family, and run off. So I'm apprehensive as to whether I should feel pity or disdain for this old, weepy codger (Basically, I want to know why he left his home behind).

That second-last line bordered on cliche, but it could have been avoided with a nice final line - which at the moment, doesn't do that much for me, tbh. Leading into it with, 'and cries' would have helped the flow and stopped it jutting out so much. Salty is a dodgy adjective, and I think you know it.


And those teardrops from heaven
Soak the man to the bone
As he yearns for the home
And the love he has known

Triple rhyme actually worked! Holy sweet mother... that's quite a rarity. Anyway, using 'heaven' so soon after the last stanza is iffy - but if you want to make this into a song (which I would like, a lot ) I'd keep it. This would make a really good chorus.

He doesn’t yet know
Of the death of his love
But he feels she’s in a better place now

This was the weakest stanza... thing. No notable flow or easy rhyme. This little stanza changes the whole thing for the reader (in principle), as it tells me that he doesn't know she's dead. It should set up the following stanzas for something really powerful - is he going to find out she's dead? If so, how's he going to respond? Will he continue not knowing - ever-longing for her? I should continue into the next part with a little knot in my gut... which I would have, had this been worded more eloquently. You're saying the right things... it's just not in an appealing way.


Happy instead of sad
Nostalgic not depressed
It’s quite curious what he feels
But maybe, just maybe
What he feels is real
And we’re all the selfish ones

This ending could have gone a number of ways. The first two lines are horrendous in terms of flow, compared to the rest of the piece. It's quite beautiful; him being content to let her continue this happy existence that he believes she now belongs to (or is it? what if he was wrong? I'm not entirely sure, to be honest). I loved the last four lines in terms of flow and feel. Not quite sure where the last line came from though? Maybe try introduce that idea earlier in the piece too - give the audience the chance to judge him as being selfish (that could tie into the little back-story I suggested in stanza I). Really think the first two lines of this need changing though... I'd even prefer two positives on the first line being compared to two negatives on the second - not nostalgic or depressed though, they're too long and ugly and not simple enough for this piece. (happy/sad = nice and simple, nostalgic/depressed = not) If you set up that last line just a little more strongly, it would be extremely powerful.


As a whole, this felt too focused on your central idea (which was a very good one) - and as a result, you didn't exploit it as effectively as you have. I would have liked; some back-story, some more character depth, and a stronger set-up to your last line. That said, I still very much like how simple and short it is, so were you to adopt my suggestions I'd like to see them implemented very minimally; just enough to add that little more punch. My favourite piece from you so far.

Excuse me if I don't crit that other piece just yet, my fingers are aching now. I added a note or two to your comment on mine, too, if you'd like to check back. I'll update my piece at some stage.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#9
As I said, I'd like tips on if and how I should expand. Some of your corrections I shall implement immediately, because I agreed with them. Others I'll mull over.



Btw, my point with the selfishness is that even though he can't be near her, he is still happy for her.

And how should I change the stanza where we learn he doesn't know she's dead?
Last edited by mamosa at Sep 1, 2009,
#10
For sure. I only suggest things that I personally can relate to or would probably do if I were writing - that's not gonna appeal to everyone as a writer or reader. Just offering some alternate perspectives the best I know how.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#11
Quote by Snowblind 911
For sure. I only suggest things that I personally can relate to or would probably do if I were writing - that's not gonna appeal to everyone as a writer or reader. Just offering some alternate perspectives the best I know how.


And I'm kind of thinking that adding a historical perspective on the man's life detracts from the feel of the piece. You don't know the man, but you can connect with him from what he's feeling. But once you get some history, it changes.