#1
The Family


Theres something I must get off my chest
Something you should know
That beneath this broken exterior
Is a heart and a soul
Yeah sure I may act strong
Never show emotion
But I’ve been breaking down
Going through the motions
But I see all those around me
I see my mother crying
I gotta be strong for her
Gotta keep on lying

No matter how bad it feels
I do it for my family
No matter how many people I hurt
I do it because I’m sorry

I’m sorry if I offended you
In this last month
There was too much dying
I didn’t think of my self for once
What I thought was a time of relaxing
A break without stress
Turned out to be a disaster
A real train wreck
So once again forgive me
For all I’ve done
I’ll call you when its over
And I’ll never be gone

No matter how bad it feels
I do it for my family
No matter how many people I hurt
I do it because I’m sorry
Rigz.
SX Furrian
Eastwood Mandocaster
Bugera v55
DigiTech DL8
Boss BD-2
Dean Markley Tuner
Ebow

Gear Hitlist:
2x12 Cab
#2
Not the best I've read, but it was good. I think a little more imagery might help it stand out. As it is, it sounds slightly amateur because almost every word used is pretty much normal, everyday speech. It's got potential.
#3
Quote by zeminion
The Family


Theres something I must get off my chest
Something you should know
That beneath this broken exterior
Adding "that" makes this sentence grammatically incorrect. Just thought you should know.
Is a heart and a soul
Yeah sure I may act strong
Never show emotion
I think you should add an "and" before "never". Sounds better to me.
But I’ve been breaking down
Going through the motions
You need a conjunction here, just like in my other comment. Either add an "and" or an "I'm" or an "I'm just". Something. It needs a conjunction.
But I see all those around me
I see my mother crying
I gotta be strong for her
Gotta keep on lying
CONJUNCTION!!! RAWR!!! But I am finally starting to understand this piece a bit more. It's not that great, but it's not terrible.

No matter how bad it feels
I do it for my family
No matter how many people I hurt
I do it because I’m sorry
Sorry about what? Sorry about your crappy family? Why is that an excuse or reason for what you're doing? And what are you doing? Criminal activities or just committing personal offense?

I’m sorry if I offended you
In this last month
SERIOUS flow issues here. Plus, "in this last month" is such a bad and anticlimactic way to end this sentence. Maybe it's just me, but I don't like it.
There was too much dying
Ugh. There's a better way of saying this. Many better ways. This is both blunt and vague. Fix it.
I didn’t think of my self for once
What I thought was a time of relaxing
And this isn't selfish because.......
A break without stress
Turned out to be a disaster
What was a disaster? Your break? I don't understand this very well because you don't use conjunctions.
A real train wreck
This line was unnecessary. I think you used it for the purposes of rhyming. It isn't good.
So once again forgive me
For all I’ve done
Bad flow issues.
I’ll call you when its over
And I’ll never be gone
You'll never be gone? Awful phraseology IMO. It sounds terrible to me. Your words are so simple and plebeian. Elevate your language. It doesn't need to be sophisticated, but the words you use, and the way you use them, shows bad diction. Broaden your vocabulary. It helps a lot.

No matter how bad it feels
I do it for my family
No matter how many people I hurt
I do it because I’m sorry


I didn't like this. I thought the title wasn't good at all. You are too vague. You don't explain what trouble your family is going through. Maybe it's death. But then what are you doing to try and help your family? And why are you sorry? You need to focus the story you're telling. Act like you're telling a story to somebody who knows nothing about the situation. And even though you're obviously talking to someone (in the song) who knows what happened, the audience has no idea of wtf is going on. That's no good.

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1192297
#4
Ok lemme sum somethings up. This song is about my two uncles passing in the month of august. its about the stress that caring for my uncle and how it affected me, my family, and those around me. The "break" was my summer and how it all got ****ed over by a sudden death and a slow and painful one. I was sorry that i let people down, got angry with them, and said things that i didn't mean that were out of stress.
Rigz.
SX Furrian
Eastwood Mandocaster
Bugera v55
DigiTech DL8
Boss BD-2
Dean Markley Tuner
Ebow

Gear Hitlist:
2x12 Cab
#5
First of all, I'm really sorry man, and if my next crits seem harsh, it's just about the piece, and I'm really just trying to help you. Okay?

So you aren't being an ass because you're sorry, it's because you have a heart/soul and are depressed. That makes things more clear. Change the chorus around.

And what relevance does "and I'll never be gone" have here? And you aren't being an ass for your family, you're being an ass because you're broken down. Plus, what are you lying to your mom about?

And the whole verse about the relaxing is put really badly. It needs epic revision, but then this piece could turn into a heartwarming apology that really puts things into perspective. If you need any help, let me know.
#6
Quote by mamosa
First of all, I'm really sorry man, and if my next crits seem harsh, it's just about the piece, and I'm really just trying to help you. Okay?

So you aren't being an ass because you're sorry, it's because you have a heart/soul and are depressed. That makes things more clear. Change the chorus around.

And what relevance does "and I'll never be gone" have here? And you aren't being an ass for your family, you're being an ass because you're broken down. Plus, what are you lying to your mom about?

And the whole verse about the relaxing is put really badly. It needs epic revision, but then this piece could turn into a heartwarming apology that really puts things into perspective. If you need any help, let me know.


just give me some examples.
Rigz.
SX Furrian
Eastwood Mandocaster
Bugera v55
DigiTech DL8
Boss BD-2
Dean Markley Tuner
Ebow

Gear Hitlist:
2x12 Cab
#7
This is completely different (mainly because I'm different from you) and it's very rough and needs a lot of editing, but this is what I would start with:

I’ve had a little secret
That I’ve kept for a while
And now’s the time for you to know
That I need a hand to hold

Because I never let myself go
I never let my real feelings show
And these last few weeks have taken their toll
And now I’m feeling vulnerable

I try to act tough, try to be a man
But my heart’s breaking, try to understand
That everyone around me is really depressed
So it’s impossible to get rid of this stress

And even though I’ve pushed you away
The truth is I need you more every day
I can’t help it. I’m lost in my pain.
I’m sorry.

I thought that everything would be great
But then it became ground zero
Nothing to celebrate
I try to act tough, try to be a man
But my heart’s breaking, try to understand
That everyone around me is really depressed
So it’s impossible to get rid of this stress
But right now I swear to you
I will make it up. I’m sorry

I try to act tough, try to be a man
But my heart’s breaking, try to understand
That everyone around me is really depressed
So it’s impossible to get rid of this stress
#8
i hate you....
Rigz.
SX Furrian
Eastwood Mandocaster
Bugera v55
DigiTech DL8
Boss BD-2
Dean Markley Tuner
Ebow

Gear Hitlist:
2x12 Cab
#9
Quote by zeminion
i hate you....


Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#10
Quote by Wulphy


thank you Wulphy. I shall call you pudding pop now.
Rigz.
SX Furrian
Eastwood Mandocaster
Bugera v55
DigiTech DL8
Boss BD-2
Dean Markley Tuner
Ebow

Gear Hitlist:
2x12 Cab
#11
Quote by zeminion
thank you Wulphy. I shall call you pudding pop now.





I meant for there to be a hug in there.
#12
cut down on the angst bra

and maybe i'm wrong but "beneath this broken exterior" and "sure i may act strong" contradict each other....

other then that it's not bad