#1
Just a note: This is only part one of a very long story about the girl I'm in love with. It's probably going to be a four or five part story about all we went through, from our secret love life (this song), our short dating disaster, her big lie and what it did to our friendship, and our current, and possibly final, chapter to our story.

VERSE:
The pretty harbor sunset
Made the lights play in the air
As the seagulls danced above us
And the wind messed up our hair

Shaking with anticipation
Waiting for the night to start
The waves swelled back and forth in time
With both our hungry hearts

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine

VERSE:
The endless summer faded
As the leaves began to fall
You made me wait on breaking knees
You kicked me when I tried to crawl

The winter came and made you cold
The new year dawned and made me blind
I bit your mouth with callow lips
And left my honest world behind

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine

BRIDGE:
Here comes the sun again
To burn down my fun again
I'm falling apart again
You're breaking my heart again

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
You leave me sugarblind
Last edited by Winter Sky at Sep 5, 2009,
#2
Quote by Winter Sky
VERSE:
The pretty harbor sunset
Made the lights play in the air
As the seagulls danced above us
And the wind messed up our hair
I like this. It's simple, but that's exactly what it seems you're going for. I see you and someone else (maybe a girl) at the beach at sunset, where the sky is beautiful and it's beginning to get chilly and windy, the birds are flying away, but it's too beautiful to leave. Everyone's been in this exact situation. It's very identifiable. The more I think about it, the more I like this verse. I hope I continue to like the song.

Shaking with anticipation
Waiting for the night to start
The waves swayed back and forth in time
With both our hungry hearts
I liked this a bit. Obviously something special will happen at night. Now, whether this is the enhanced beauty that it the beach at night or something else, I am not sure. But I definitely did not like the last line. Alliteration is fine, and it certainly has its place. But I don't like it here. And I don't like the idea of waves swaying in time with your hearts. It doesn't make sense to me.

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Obviously nighttime was what you were anticipating. You wanted to be able to sleep and dream about this girl. But weren't you just with her, the both of you waiting for night? It seems impossible that she wouldn't be yours in that scenario, because the implication of the waves swaying in time with your hungry hearts is twofold: that you were both in love, and that your hearts were at the same wavelength. Now that indicates love. So she is yours, at least in the last verse. So why do you need to dream about her being yours when she already is? Why are you afraid to stop dreaming? And I also hate repetitive choruses. But maybe that's just me.

VERSE:
The endless summer faded
As the leaves began to fall
You made me wait on breaking knees
You kicked me when I tried to crawl
There's a tense shift here. And obviously the summer isn't endless. Obviously she was just a summer fling. Now maybe the chorus seems to mean that your life is like a dream and you don't want the dream to end, even though you know it will. And here is when you wake up and the fling is over, even though you invested so much in it. She's a cruel bitch or you ****ed up badly.

Winter fell and made you cold
The new year came and made me blind
I bit your mouth with paltry lips
And left my honest world behind
Winter doesn't fall. It comes. But I like the idea of winter coming and making her cold. It's very nice. But what's the connection between the new year and you being blind? And paltry doesn't seem to be the word you should use here. Paltry mean small and inadequate. So your lips are small and inadequate? Or are you weak, small, and inadequate? And if your kissing means leaving your honest world behind, then what was your delusional relationship in the summer? Because that was when you were dreaming. You weren't being honest with yourself, you were deluding yourself. But here you say that NOW is when you leave your honest world behind. Curious.

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
So obviously you got back together again, repeatedly deluding yourself. I still don't like this repetitive chorus, though.

BRIDGE:
Here comes the sun again
To burn down my fun again
I'm falling apart again
You're breaking my heart again
I like the repetition of "again" here because you're emphasizing your stupidity for falling into your trap of passion AGAIN, even though you really knew the consequences. So, obviously, she broke up with you again, the dream is over again, you're really upset, bla bla bla. Good verse.

Here comes the sun again
To burn down my fun again
I'm falling apart again
Yeah you're breaking my heart
This annoys me. We got the point already, you don't need to repeat it. The thing I liked about your chorus was that it was strategically positioned to be at the points where it was relevant. So even though it was a pure repetition, it was necessary. This is a useless repetition.

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
You leave me sugarblind


I don't like the position of the chorus here. You had already broken up, so your delusion was temporarily over.

Anyway, this song has massive amounts of potential. Even though it's the massively overplayed and overused concept of falling into the same traps over and over, it was exceptionally well conceived and executed. With some things I feel need to be changed. Massive amounts of potential, if you correct certain mistakes.

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1192297
#3
mamosa,

Actually, as easy as it may be to relate to this song on the surface, it's kind of a complicated story. The summer in the first verse was a more-than-friends kind of friendship. So, as much as we were falling for each other, we were denying it; we would do romantic things together, such as watch the sunset on the beach, but we would never kiss or hold hands, etc. The night, to me, represents when her and I are together, because she's only mine in my dreams.

The "waiting for the night to start" actually refers to something she always told me. "I always wanted to sleep on the beach, but I'm afraid to do that alone. Someday, you should sleep there with me and keep me safe." So, it's a very dear memory to me. The waves swaying in time with our eager hearts refers to how, at that moment, the waves seemed to be one with us. That moment felt so perfect, so I had to include it in the song.

I understand that many people don't like the repetition of the verse, but it works well with the music.

The "endless" summer fading is alluding to the fact that it only felt as if it would be endless at the time.

I agree that winter came, not fell. I don't know how I messed that up. And the second line is worded as it is because our first kiss was on New Year's Eve. The "paltry lips" is actually a mistake in typing; I had changed it to "callow lips" in my journal already. This meant leaving my honest world behind because this night, to me, made us more than friends. Yet, to everyone else, we still spoke as friends, nothing more. That made me feel like a liar.

Again, the chorus is talking about how she wasn't really mine except in my dreams. I wanted her to be mine, but she would only give me pieces of her. She would only be with me in secret, and I didn't know why.

The bridge is saying that each day was like a new kick in the teeth by her. In my dreams, she was mine, but when I woke up, it haunted and tormented me that she wasn't mine. I agree that I need to lose the second half. The repetition isn't doing anything for me here.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Aug 31, 2009,
#4
Glad I could help. The problem with this, and they are few, is that someone would need some background info to fully understand such a personal piece. But it's still great, and I still felt like I connected with it AND YOU WON'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME
#5
Well, that's kind of what I'm going for. I wrote it in a way that allows almost anyone to relate to the song, while at the same time throwing in vague lines that are meant only for her and I to understand. So, by all means, don't let me take away your connection to the song. ^_^
#6
Quote by Winter Sky
Just a note: This is only part one of a very long story about the girl I'm in love with. It's probably going to be a four or five part story about all we went through, from our secret love life (this song), our short dating disaster, her big lie and what it did to our friendship, and our current, and possibly final, chapter to our story.

VERSE:
The pretty harbor sunset
Made the lights play in the air
As the seagulls danced above us
And the wind messed up our hair
I like the imagery that is provided in this stanza and it's great. I love the picture you've painted here with your words

Shaking with anticipation
Waiting for the night to start
The waves swayed back and forth in time
With both our hungry hearts
The last two lines are my favorite of the piece definitely

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine

VERSE:
The endless summer faded
As the leaves began to fall
You made me wait on breaking knees
You kicked me when I tried to crawl
I'm not too sure about the last line of this stanza but other than that its good

Winter came and made you cold
The new year came and made me blind
I bit your mouth with callow lips
And left my honest world behind
This feels like a bit weaker of a stanza than the rest. I like the direction it takes the piece in but don't like the wording of it. I like the first and last line though

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Good chorus. Simple but still powerful

BRIDGE:
Here comes the sun again
To burn down my fun again
I'm falling apart again
You're breaking my heart again
This feels like it doesn't fit in with the rest of the song. It sounds a bit too poppy but it's still good

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
You leave me sugarblind


All in all I really like the piece. It's very good, the only problems I had with it are just personal opinions so I feel like it works as it is. Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1193074
#7
usually when poeple try to write these kind of songs it ends up looking forced and corny. however i do think that you pulled it off very well and i liked the peice even more when i read about the reasons behind some of your lyrics. good job.
#8
Thank you all for the criticism and support. I really wasn't sure how this would be taken; it's the first full song I've written on my own. You guys have really inspired me to keep writing songs.

As always, there's no such thing as bad criticism nor too much criticism!
#9
I like the song and I think the bridge is really well done and definitely my favorite part. One thing I don't get is what sugarblind means. Also the chorus seems good but I'd say it depends on how it's done in the song.

All in all, a nice song and you successfully avoided cliche love song things
Quote by RATM forever
definitely the best spam thread today!
#10
Quote by Winter Sky
Just a note: This is only part one of a very long story about the girl I'm in love with. It's probably going to be a four or five part story about all we went through, from our secret love life (this song), our short dating disaster, her big lie and what it did to our friendship, and our current, and possibly final, chapter to our story.
Loved the intro! Way built! Nah, I'm just kiddin' with ya...

VERSE:
The pretty harbor sunset
Made the lights play in the air
As the seagulls danced above us
And the wind messed up our hair
I imagine the harbour, I imagine the fire and the seagulls and the wind messing the hair, nice and warm descripition.

Shaking with anticipation
Waiting for the night to start
The waves swayed back and forth in time
With both our hungry hearts
Maybe you could put it "Waiting in anticipation for the night to start" for the flows sake, very good and romantic stanza though.

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Chorus is okey, depending on the melody of course.

VERSE:
The endless summer faded
As the leaves began to fall
You made me wait on breaking knees
You kicked me when I tried to crawl
Obviously it looks like she left you or don't want you anymore refering to "You kicked me when I tried to crawl". As the leaves began to fall makes me think that you fell with them, if you know what I'm sayin'.

The winter came and made you cold
The new year dawned and made me blind
I bit your mouth with callow lips
And left my honest world behind
I like how you connect the seasons in your own way : The endless summer faded, As the leaves began to fall, The winter came and made you cold. Nice stanza.

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine

BRIDGE:
Here comes the sun again
To burn down my fun again
I'm falling apart again
You're breaking my heart again
I noticed you've got some unnecessary words in some lines like : To burn down my fun again. You can simplify it by writing : Here comes the sun again burning my fun again. Nice bridge =)

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
You leave me sugarblind


Nice song! Can't wait for more! Very romantic and realistic, should be interesting.
I would be glad if you commented in any of my songs (nobody has done it yet =P).
Take care and keep your mind fresh!
#11
Thanks again to everyone for the critiques. I'll definitely critique one of yours right away, JohnPetrucciFan. ^_^

EDIT: Oh, halloweenhead, sugarblind is a word I made up. To me, it's like when you meet a girl who just steals your heart, no other girl ever seems as sweet. So that's sort of where "sugarblind" came from. She made me "blind" to the "sweetness" of everyone else, and made me only see her.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Sep 2, 2009,
#12
Quote by Winter Sky
Just a note: This is only part one of a very long story about the girl I'm in love with. It's probably going to be a four or five part story about all we went through, from our secret love life (this song), our short dating disaster, her big lie and what it did to our friendship, and our current, and possibly final, chapter to our story.

VERSE:
The pretty harbor sunset
Made the lights play in the air
As the seagulls danced above us
And the wind messed up our hair

I love the imagery, but the last line seems rather bland, I think something more playful would be better.

Shaking with anticipation
Waiting for the night to start
The waves swayed back and forth in time
With both our hungry hearts

I really like the last line.

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine

Sounds very acoustic-esque, and it's not too badly cliche.

VERSE:
The endless summer faded
As the leaves began to fall
You made me wait on breaking knees
You kicked me when I tried to crawl

Now it's starting to twist, I like it.

The winter came and made you cold
The new year dawned and made me blind
I bit your mouth with callow lips
And left my honest world behind

Amazing stanza. My favorite.

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine

BRIDGE:
Here comes the sun again
To burn down my fun again
I'm falling apart again
You're breaking my heart again

Normally the repetition would annoy me, but I really like it in this song.

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
You leave me sugarblind


Overall, I enjoyed reading it. You are a really talented writer, and I like your stuff so far. Keep it up, man

If you get the chance, could you check out the piece in my sig?
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#13
Quote by Winter Sky
Just a note: This is only part one of a very long story about the girl I'm in love with. It's probably going to be a four or five part story about all we went through, from our secret love life (this song), our short dating disaster, her big lie and what it did to our friendship, and our current, and possibly final, chapter to our story.

VERSE:
The pretty harbor sunset
Made the lights play in the air
As the seagulls danced above us
And the wind messed up our hair
Good start to the song. The only thing that stood out was "messed up", it might just be me, but I think that another word/phrase could fit a bit better.

Shaking with anticipation
Waiting for the night to start
The waves swayed back and forth in time
With both our hungry hearts
I really liked the connection between the waves and your hearts beating, nice job here.

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Brief, to the point, and kinda catchy. The repetition works well here.

VERSE:
The endless summer faded
As the leaves began to fall
You made me wait on breaking knees
You kicked me when I tried to crawl

The winter came and made you cold
The new year dawned and made me blind
I bit your mouth with callow lips
And left my honest world behind
I liked how you utilized the seasons here. Summer signifies life, or your relationship with this girl, and Winter is usually associated with death, or the ending of your relationship. I liked this verse a lot.

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine

BRIDGE:
Here comes the sun again
To burn down my fun again
I'm falling apart again
You're breaking my heart again
The repeated use of "again" kinda bugs me, it doesn't seem to fit too well, although this may just be me.

CHORUS:
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
I dream you mine
Don't let the sun rise
You leave me sugarblind
I really liked the last line here. Sugarblind just has some sort of..."ringing" to it, I guess.


Well, I tried. I liked this piece a lot. Though I'm not really able to connect with it, I could feel the emotion that drove the writing of this song. I also liked the title of this piece, btw. You're very talented, and I'm pretty sure we'll see some more of your writing here soon.
#15
The song is absolutely brilliant, but there is this one line that bothers me.

The waves swayed back and forth in time
Well... waves don't sway. Maybe swelled? But definitely not swayed.
<<My lyric. Critique, please?

You can't change the world but you can make a dent.
#17
Quote by Winter Sky
Yea, I know. I don't like that line either. Swell sounds SO much better, and I love you for pointing out that obvious change! Thank youuu. ^_^
My pleasure. This song is so very well constructed, though. Great imagery, and I can almost see you brokenhearted when she hurt you. The bridge is nice... I think you're referring to the return of summer and past memories coming back to haunt you. Something like that?
<<My lyric. Critique, please?

You can't change the world but you can make a dent.
#18
Exactly. During the spring, we dated for a short while. That summer, we had another fling, during which I found out she was seeing someone else.

And yet, I still want her back, to this very day. It's been 2 years this month that I found out she had been dating this other person the whole time she was with me.
#19
Ah, so every year, spring and summer remind you of her, and it brings back all the emotions. You're a great songwriter.
<<My lyric. Critique, please?

You can't change the world but you can make a dent.
#20
By the way, I dream you mine? Is that with purpose or what? I just though it may be kinda weird if your gonna sing it. If not it ment to be I dream your mine, or I dreamed you were mine? Just curious =P