#1
C4C
This is a hardcore song about how an ex changed so much and why she is dead to me...


Dead To Me…

I see her body
Lying there
And I clap my hands together
In a prayer
I see her body lying there
Every time I do
I get so scared

I see her body
Lying there
And I clap my hands together
In a prayer
I see her body lying there
Every time I do
Oh, I get so scared

I wanna get in
Over my head
I wanna get out
Get out before it spreads
I wanna go home
So bad
I wanna see her
If she wasn’t dead
I wish she wasn’t gone
She made too many
Bad calls
I wish she could rewind
Wish I could remind
Her that she had so much
But all she had was me
She had my touch
Then gave away her soul for free

All I want is to go back
(What went wrong)
All I want is to be happy
(This is your song)
For all you that want to go back
(Find out what went wrong)
For all of you that aren’t happy
(This is your song)
So find out what went wrong

I see her body
Lying there
And I clap my hands together
In a prayer
I see her body lying there
Every time I do
I get so scared

I see her body
Lying there
And I clap my hands together
In a prayer
I see her body lying there
Every time I do
Oh, I get so scared

I see their bodies
Lying there
And I clap my hands together
In a prayer
I see their bodies lying there
Every time I do
I get so scared
Last edited by benx3000 at Sep 1, 2009,
#2
now what genre would this be? like the music behind it?
✠I use emotion for the many and reserve reason for the few
✠Adolf Hitler✠
#3
Quote by benx3000
C4C
btw no ones actually dead before you like call the cops or something haha


Dead To Me…

I see her body
Lying there
And I clap my hands together
In a prayer
I don't like this rhyme.
I see her body lying there
Every time I do
Bad flow.
I get so scared
Or this rhyme.
Now, the title is "Dead to Me". This would imply that the person is not in fact dead, unless this is a play on words. Now, you say she's dead, and you "clap your hands together in prayer" which, btw, doesn't make sense (I think the word you're looking for is "clasp") and get scared when you see her body, which has been multiple times. This isn't a very good verse. It's got some flow problems and I just don't like the lyrics. Now, with some music behind it, I wouldn't have to try a visualize it, but as I see it, it ain't working too well.



I see her body
Lying there
And I clap my hands together
In a prayer
I see her body lying there
Every time I do
Oh, I get so scared
Why, oh why, did you feel the need to repeat this verse? It adds nothing. Had you used the same verse later in the song, where it was apropos, that could be beneficial, but here it is just useless.

I wanna get in
Over my head
Getting in over your head is a bad thing. And get in WHAT over your head? Loose ends only work if they get tied up somewhere down the line. I hope they do...
I wanna get out
Get out before it spreads
What's "it"?
I wanna go home
So bad
Terrible flow.
I wanna see her
If she wasn’t dead
Grammatically incorrect.
I wish she wasn’t gone
Gone? You mean dead?
She made too many
Bad calls
Terrible flow.
I wish she could rewind
Wish I could remind
God-awful rhyme. Very forced.
Her that she had so much
But all she had was me
She had my touch
Then gave away her soul for free
I like these last four lines rather a lot. Now, that could just be in comparison to the rest of what I've read so far, but the much/touch rhyme was not too forced, and the me/free rhyme was good. This flowed well and was executed nicely. About damn time.

All I want is to go back
(What went wrong)
Parentheses mean what?
All I want is to be happy
(This is your song)
???
For all you that want to go back
(Find out what went wrong)
For all of you that aren’t happy
(This is your song)
So find out what went wrong
??? This may just be the worst part yet, and that's saying a lot. The parentheses don't add anything the way I visualize them. This chorus is vague and awful. Ugh.

I see her body
Lying there
And I clap my hands together
In a prayer
I see her body lying there
Every time I do
I get so scared
I still hate this verse.

I see her body
Lying there
And I clap my hands together
In a prayer
I see her body lying there
Every time I do
Oh, I get so scared
I hate it even more now that it was repeated.

I see their bodies
Lying there
And I clap my hands together
In a prayer
I see their bodies lying there
Every time I do
I get so scared


Repeated again. Except in plural. Oh goody.

To be blunt, this was terrible. Your word choices resemble those of a first grader, using none above three syllables. Your diction itself was horrible, as was your scansion. You didn't tie up any of the loose ends and this song just didn't make any sense. You should sit down and think of what you want to write rather than vomiting on a computer/paper.

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1192297