#1
c4c.


I've been depressed and obsessed;
down and delighted
strong and weak
poor, meek
I've been a lot of things that Conservatives
frown upon, while the liberals just think I'm getting
in touch with me feminine side.

Though, that's of a rather significant amount of
inconsequence this evening.
I've got a tune in my head,
its a hum-diddy-diddy-doo-doo-do.
I'm sitting quite pretty with a beat in my toes,
tonight won't get to me; as I watch her dance with another man.

See, I've got a tune in my head,
its not the beat on the floor;
it a bit faster and stronger and its growing
quite louder
quite richer;
dear God its immense
and its drowning out thoughts.
The happy's so big and so bold and so young
and she's grinding so slow on his **** and sampling his tongue;
oh, the smiley's are growing inside of my pupils
and the ceiling is spiraling out of control
and the rave has begun
and my eyelids are closing
and the songs are all sung
and the bar is just opening
and I've sung my last words of the morning to be
and the night is monochromed
in black and white,
in shimmering grey
in freezeframes and fastforwards and past indecisions
and love has gone hunting for quail and good pastures
for gathering parties of friends and great laughters.
and i'm on the corner of limestone and vine while the good times
all shifted to fifth street and nine.

and she's stroking his chest, with slow fingers gone fast
unbuttoning shirts. sipping from flasks.
they slip away to his mansion on fourth
and i'll slink on back to my evicted floor.


#2
I liked this. Not nearly as much as some of your other pieces, but it was okay.

What is the grouping of the words in your first stanza?
Because some are antonyms and some aren't....
I really liked the phrase "that's of a significant amount if inconsequence". It delighted me.

Also, this person sounds bi-polar and quite psychotic. It seems as though the more annoyed he gets at this girl (the farther she goes with the guy on the dance floor) the tune rises proportionally. He's obviously just some crazy person watching her while she goes out with a rich guy.

It was fine.

Crit mine? Either: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1191690

Or: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1192297

Thanks.

#3
This is a scary piece of writing, Zach. I could be wrong, but I could a very desperate feeling out of this. Reminded me of how i write when I'm going a bit nuts. It might not be one of your best, but there's something a lot deeper in here than what meets the eye, I'd bet my life on it.
#5
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c.


I've been depressed and obsessed;
down and delighted
strong and weak
poor, meek
I've been a lot of things that Conservatives
frown upon, while the liberals just think I'm getting
in touch with me feminine side.
I like this stanza. Nothing negative to me


Though, that's of a rather significant amount of
inconsequence this evening.
I've got a tune in my head,
its a hum-diddy-diddy-doo-doo-do.
I'm sitting quite pretty with a beat in my toes,
tonight won't get to me; as I watch her dance with another man.
Another strong stanza, I really like the last line. It makes me feel like the narrator so to speak is almost trying to convince himself that it won't get to him. I like it a lot

See, I've got a tune in my head,
its not the beat on the floor;
it a bit faster and stronger and its growing
quite louder
quite richer;
dear God its immense
and its drowning out thoughts.
The happy's so big and so bold and so young
and she's grinding so slow on his **** and sampling his tongue;
oh, the smiley's are growing inside of my pupils
and the ceiling is spiraling out of control
and the rave has begun
and my eyelids are closing
and the songs are all sung
and the bar is just opening
and I've sung my last words of the morning to be
and the night is monochromed
in black and white,
in shimmering grey
in freezeframes and fastforwards and past indecisions
and love has gone hunting for quail and good pastures
for gathering parties of friends and great laughters.
and i'm on the corner of limestone and vine while the good times
all shifted to fifth street and nine.
I feel as if the cursing is a bit out of place, however it could be completely in context if the song builds up at this point which I could very easily see it doing vocally. This is still the strongest part of the song to me. Very very powerful.

and she's stroking his chest, with slow fingers gone fast
unbuttoning shirts. sipping from flasks.
they slip away to his mansion on fourth
and i'll slink on back to my evicted floor.
Very, very, very good way to end this song. A great piece all in all




Heres mine if you feel like critting
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1193074
#6
and i'm on the corner of limestone and vine while the good times
all shifted to fifth street and nine.


That line stuck a chord with me. It was wierd, the entire time I felt that the piece was going pretty blandly and lacking in vocabulary, and then I that portion, and things just kind of seemed to fit into place. There's somthing about it I can't explain, and that's what I like most. Sorry, can't really explain it.

...and the "hum-diddy-diddy-doo-doo-do" was way to cheesy for a piece like this.

c4c?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1193213
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
Last edited by rooster456 at Sep 1, 2009,
#7
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c.


I've been depressed and obsessed;
down and delighted
strong and weak
poor, meek
I've been a lot of things that Conservatives
frown upon, while the liberals just think I'm getting
in touch with me feminine side.

Though, that's of a rather significant amount of
inconsequence this evening.
I've got a tune in my head,
its a hum-diddy-diddy-doo-doo-do.
I'm sitting quite pretty with a beat in my toes,
tonight won't get to me; as I watch her dance with another man.

I think the first two stanzas are just okay and I don't really like the lines about conservatives and liberals but that's partly because I don't like political songs

See, I've got a tune in my head,
its not the beat on the floor;
it a bit faster and stronger and its growing
quite louder
quite richer;
dear God its immense
and its drowning out thoughts.
The happy's so big and so bold and so young
and she's grinding so slow on his **** and sampling his tongue;
oh, the smiley's are growing inside of my pupils
and the ceiling is spiraling out of control
and the rave has begun
and my eyelids are closing
and the songs are all sung
and the bar is just opening
and I've sung my last words of the morning to be
and the night is monochromed
in black and white,
in shimmering grey
in freezeframes and fastforwards and past indecisions
and love has gone hunting for quail and good pastures
for gathering parties of friends and great laughters.
and i'm on the corner of limestone and vine while the good times
all shifted to fifth street and nine.
this stanza is where the piece got a lot better and i really like the sense of urgency and desperation it makes me feel. The last two lines are really great.

and she's stroking his chest, with slow fingers gone fast
unbuttoning shirts. sipping from flasks.
they slip away to his mansion on fourth
and i'll slink on back to my evicted floor.



Overall I quite liked the song although I don't really know about the **** in the second stanza, but it depends on the whole atmosphere of the song.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1193135
Quote by RATM forever
definitely the best spam thread today!