#1
Well actually..The perverted nursery rhyme thread...Come up with em Pitmonkeys

Give the name of a famous nursery rhyme and the UGer below has to come up with a distorted and if possible funny alternative.....Internet Plagiarism is allowed too.



Starting off with the most famous one.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana

Jack got high, .
pulled down his fly,
and asked Jill if she wanna.

Jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun.

But stupid Jill forgot the pill,
and now they have a son
Quote by thanksgiving
I'm coming for you with a castrator!
You sick bastard.



Watch that video below

If this video reaches 1000 views before Christmas, I'll play with my titties on cam.

#2
Ring a ring o' rosies,
a pocket full of posies,
lost The Game and got AIDS.

ಠ_ಠ

wat

#3
My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad..


Dear Slim, I wrote but you still ain't callin
I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got him
There probably was a problem at the post office or something
Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot him
but anyways; **** it, what's been up? Man how's your daughter?
My girlfriend's pregnant too, I'm bout to be a father
If I have a daughter, guess what I'ma call her?
I'ma name her Bonnie
I read about your Uncle Ronnie too I'm sorry
I had a friend kill himself over some bitch who didn't want him
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan
I even got the underground **** that you did with Skam
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man
I like the **** you did with Ruckus too, that **** was phat
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Stan

Dear Slim, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad - I just think it's ****ED UP you don't answer fans
If you didn't wanna talk to me outside your concert
you didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Matthew
That's my little brother man, he's only six years old
We waited in the blistering cold for you,
four hours and you just said, "No."
That's pretty ****ty man - you're like his ****ing idol
He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like being lied to
Remember when we met in Denver - you said if I'd write you
you would write back - see I'm just like you in a way
I never knew my father neither;
he used to always cheat on my mom and beat her
I can relate to what you're saying in your songs
so when I have a ****ty day, I drift away and put 'em on
cause I don't really got **** else so that **** helps when I'm depressed
I even got a tattoo of your name across the chest
Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me
See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it
My girlfriend's jealous cause I talk about you 24/7
But she don't know you like I know you Slim, no one does
She don't know what it was like for people like us growin up
You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Stan -- P.S.
We should be together too


Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans,
this'll be the last package I ever send your ass
It's been six months and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters;
I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway
Hey Slim, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night"
about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning
but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him?
That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late - I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped ALL of your pictures off the wall
I love you Slim, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it
I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE without me
See Slim; {*screaming*
Shut up bitch! I'm trying to talk!
Hey Slim, that's my girlfriend screamin in the trunk
but I didn't slit her throat, I just tied her up, see I ain't like you
cause if she suffocates she'll suffer more, and then she'll die too
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now
Oh ****, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this **** out?


Dear Stan, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You said your girlfriend's pregnant now, how far along is she?
Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daughter that
and here's an autograph for your brother,
I wrote it on the Starter cap
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the show, I musta missed you
Don't think I did that **** intentionally just to diss you
But what's this **** you said about you like to cut your wrists too?
I say that **** just clowning dog,
c'mon - how ****ed up is you?
You got some issues Stan, I think you need some counseling
to help your ass from bouncing off the walls when you get down some
And what's this **** about us meant to be together?
That type of ****'ll make me not want us to meet each other
I really think you and your girlfriend need each other
or maybe you just need to treat her better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
before you hurt yourself, I think that you'll be doin just fine
if you relax a little, I'm glad I inspire you but Stan
why are you so mad? Try to understand, that I do want you as a fan
I just don't want you to do some crazy ****
I seen this one **** on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge
and had his girlfriend in the trunk, and she was pregnant with his kid
and in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about, his name was.. it was you
Damn!
RULE BRITANNIA
#4
^ you got mad skillz dawg.
Blog Of Awesome UGers.
Quote by OddOneOut
I seem to attract girls.
Which is annoying, cos I'm a girl and I like cock.

Quote by IRISH_PUNK13
Being an idiot should be illegal too.
#5
Quote by Cobain_Is_King
My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad..


Dear Slim, I wrote but you still ain't callin
I left my cell, my pager, and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got him
There probably was a problem at the post office or something
Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot him
but anyways; **** it, what's been up? Man how's your daughter?
My girlfriend's pregnant too, I'm bout to be a father
If I have a daughter, guess what I'ma call her?
I'ma name her Bonnie
I read about your Uncle Ronnie too I'm sorry
I had a friend kill himself over some bitch who didn't want him
I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan
I even got the underground **** that you did with Skam
I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man
I like the **** you did with Ruckus too, that **** was phat
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back,
just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan
This is Stan

Dear Slim, you still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance
I ain't mad - I just think it's ****ED UP you don't answer fans
If you didn't wanna talk to me outside your concert
you didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Matthew
That's my little brother man, he's only six years old
We waited in the blistering cold for you,
four hours and you just said, "No."
That's pretty ****ty man - you're like his ****ing idol
He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do
I ain't that mad though, I just don't like being lied to
Remember when we met in Denver - you said if I'd write you
you would write back - see I'm just like you in a way
I never knew my father neither;
he used to always cheat on my mom and beat her
I can relate to what you're saying in your songs
so when I have a ****ty day, I drift away and put 'em on
cause I don't really got **** else so that **** helps when I'm depressed
I even got a tattoo of your name across the chest
Sometimes I even cut myself to see how much it bleeds
It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me
See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it
My girlfriend's jealous cause I talk about you 24/7
But she don't know you like I know you Slim, no one does
She don't know what it was like for people like us growin up
You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose
Sincerely yours, Stan -- P.S.
We should be together too


Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans,
this'll be the last package I ever send your ass
It's been six months and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two letters;
I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect
So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway
Hey Slim, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night"
about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning
but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a show he found him?
That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late - I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call
I hope you know I ripped ALL of your pictures off the wall
I love you Slim, we coulda been together, think about it
You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it
And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it
I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE without me
See Slim; {*screaming*
Shut up bitch! I'm trying to talk!
Hey Slim, that's my girlfriend screamin in the trunk
but I didn't slit her throat, I just tied her up, see I ain't like you
cause if she suffocates she'll suffer more, and then she'll die too
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now
Oh ****, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this **** out?


Dear Stan, I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy
You said your girlfriend's pregnant now, how far along is she?
Look, I'm really flattered you would call your daughter that
and here's an autograph for your brother,
I wrote it on the Starter cap
I'm sorry I didn't see you at the show, I musta missed you
Don't think I did that **** intentionally just to diss you
But what's this **** you said about you like to cut your wrists too?
I say that **** just clowning dog,
c'mon - how ****ed up is you?
You got some issues Stan, I think you need some counseling
to help your ass from bouncing off the walls when you get down some
And what's this **** about us meant to be together?
That type of ****'ll make me not want us to meet each other
I really think you and your girlfriend need each other
or maybe you just need to treat her better
I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time
before you hurt yourself, I think that you'll be doin just fine
if you relax a little, I'm glad I inspire you but Stan
why are you so mad? Try to understand, that I do want you as a fan
I just don't want you to do some crazy ****
I seen this one **** on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge
and had his girlfriend in the trunk, and she was pregnant with his kid
and in the car they found a tape, but they didn't say who it was to
Come to think about, his name was.. it was you
Damn!



Word.
Quote by thanksgiving
I'm coming for you with a castrator!
You sick bastard.



Watch that video below

If this video reaches 1000 views before Christmas, I'll play with my titties on cam.

#6
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came Victor Zsasz
and stabbed her
#7
inb4 i cum blood
Quote by GodofCheesecake
Excessive punctuation!!!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote by dhutton
+infinity

I have infinity.
Quote by metharian
yea its way too much for my little stick lol
#9
Once upon a time, in the black part of the city
Yo G, yo G you better get out of here man, 5-0
[door swings shut, car peels out]

Yo Ice Cube, man
Whassup man?
Why you...
Whassup?
Yo Ice Cube man, why you always kickin the shit about the bitches
and the niggaz? Why don't you kick some shit about the kids, man? The
Fuckin kids?!
Word


Little boys and girls, they all love me
Come sit on the lap of I-C-E
And let me tell ya a story or two
About a punk-ass nigga I knew
Named Jack, he wasn't that nimble, wasn't that quick
Jumped over the candlestick and burnt his dick
Ran up the street cause he was piping hot
Met a bitch named Jill on the bus stop
Dropped a line or two, and he had the hoe
At that type of shit he's a pro
So Jack and Jill ran up the hill to catch a lil nap
Dumb bitch, gave him the claps
Then he had to go see Dr. Bombay
Got a shot in the ass, and he was on his way
To make some money, why not?
Down on Sesame Street, the dope spot
There he saw the lady who lived in a shoe
Sold dope out the front, but in back, marijuana grew
For the man that was really important
Who lived down the street in a Air Jordan
Ride to the fellow Mister Rogers and hoes
Drove a 500 sittin on Lorenzoes
He broke out, Little Bo Peep, smoked out
Saw, her and her friends sellin sheepskins

Yo yo I got them sheepskins
Yo, my empty sheepskins
Yo baby, what's up with that?

Hickory dickory dock, it was twelve o'clock
Cinderella ain't home must be givin up the cock
I don't doubt it, she is kind of freaky of course
Had a fight with Snow White, she was fuckin her dwarfs
Saw a fight over colors, too
Red Riding Hood, and Little Boy Blue
A bad influence? Yo I don't know
But Ice Cube'll tell the kids how the story should go

Yeah money, that's it, yeah money, that's it
This is Little Russ in the house
Rock that shit homey, rock that shit!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
With a joint, drinkin some 8-ball
Three little pigs in a Coup de Ville
Lookin for, the wolf to kill
They're fucked up and they want revenge
Them and Humpty used to be friends
Now they're enemies cause he's a traitor
Pulled out the Uzi cruised by and sprayed him
Cinderella hoeing for the fellas
And Mister Rogers is gettin mighty jealous
Of the cash that the pigs were makin
Time for the pigs to get turned to bacon
Cause Mister Rogers found out quick
That Humpty Dumpty was blown to bits
They said that the motherfuckin wolf was next
So Mister Rogers better watch his step
So he let the wolf know
We're gonna fuck up the pigs, and take their ho
Cause Cinderella is much too fast
Before twelve, givin up ass
Double barrels all loaded and cocked
As soon as they show, they gonna get popped
They bailed down Sesame Street and caught em
Little Boy Blue is up front givin orders
Little did they know Cinderella was a fink
She called the cops and got thrown in the clink
A bad influence? Yo, I don't know
But Ice Cube'll tell the kids how the stories should go

Aiyyo man was that dope enough for you?
Yeah you aight, you in the house
We outta here, seeeee-yaaaaa
Yeah you better go home before I whoop your little bad ass

Some bedtime story huh?
It's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't wanna live here

Ay, good ol' Mother Goose, remember her? I fucked her

/thread.
Last edited by Horlicks at Sep 1, 2009,
#10
Twinkle Twinkle
Suck My Nuts
Twinkle Twinkle
No more buts.

JUST DO IT!!!
Quote by thanksgiving
I'm coming for you with a castrator!
You sick bastard.



Watch that video below

If this video reaches 1000 views before Christmas, I'll play with my titties on cam.

#11
Mary had a little lamb she wondered why it was dead.
When she went to school next day, she found it in her bread.
#12
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*ck him, He's only an egg.
Quote by thanksgiving
I'm coming for you with a castrator!
You sick bastard.



Watch that video below

If this video reaches 1000 views before Christmas, I'll play with my titties on cam.

#13
I stick ice picks on the tip of your dick
give your testicles a swift kick, aint that some ****?

Another:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
Humpty Dumpty landed on his balls
Humpty Dumpty then made a call
A ho came along, walking with a strut
The ho then helped Humpty Dumpty off his butt
HD said "if I give you a dollar, will you suck on my left nut?
Come on, it hurts, just do it you slut!"
Last edited by mashizz at Sep 1, 2009,
#15
Old Mother Hubbard, went to the cupboard,
To get her poor dog a bone, but when she bent over,
Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.
#16
Quote by grimms
Mary had a little lamb she wondered why it was dead.
When she went to school next day, she found it in her bread.

Thank you, now I have SRV in my head.
Blog Of Awesome UGers.
Quote by OddOneOut
I seem to attract girls.
Which is annoying, cos I'm a girl and I like cock.

Quote by IRISH_PUNK13
Being an idiot should be illegal too.
#17
Stoney93, my hero
My Deviantart

Great Minds Think Alike
Quote by Son.Of.TheViper
You sigged me, AND had an idea the same as mine!
I like you.

About my Lady Gaga/Pokemon parody
Quote by Mike50227
XD not bad

Quote by ExOblivione
You're my hero.

Quote by myevilside
I must say, i love it!
#18
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was full of fleas
Worst of all, the little ****
Had foot and mouth disease
Check out my Electronica project!
http://
#19
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to her cupboard
When an armed thug broke into her kitchen and stabbed her to death with a knife from her drawer, then he continued to ransack her house for all her gold and jewellery before soaking her corpse with petrol and setting her house on fire.
RULE BRITANNIA
#20
If you want twisted then here's one

The was an old woman who lived in a shoe
Unfourtunate for her a polish jew
Very soon she ended up dead
After paying a visit to Doctor Mengele
#21
Jack, be nimble,
Jack, be quick,
Jack, jump over
The candlestick.

Jack jumped high
Jack jumped low
Jack jumped over
and plummeted to his death. He will be mourned.
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#22
Hickory Dickory Dock
The mouse ran up the clock
Jade Goody died of Cervical Cancer
RULE BRITANNIA
#23
Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.
Quote by thanksgiving
I'm coming for you with a castrator!
You sick bastard.



Watch that video below

If this video reaches 1000 views before Christmas, I'll play with my titties on cam.

#24
Hush, little baby, don't say a word
Mama's gonna buy you a mockin'bird
If that mockin'bird don't sing
Bitch better hope it's got working wings

Edit:

The cock doth crow
To let you know,
If you be wise,
Tis time to rise.

Didn't even change that one.
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Last edited by Kensai at Sep 1, 2009,
#25
The King screamed "Marmalade!!"
...Meanwhile A goose was dealt a savage beating by a local farmer.......

Hike over a mountain with a canary in your left trouser pocket
..Pointlessly the cabbage got shredded up and as the toddler did not chew his left toe..

He was sentenced to death by poodle....
Sadly Yogurt never did.....It just never did....
....But welcoming the antelope to his doom was indeed a pious occasion.
The bull cried and the goat never sipped tea again.
Quote by thanksgiving
I'm coming for you with a castrator!
You sick bastard.



Watch that video below

If this video reaches 1000 views before Christmas, I'll play with my titties on cam.

#26
Birds of a feather flock together,
And so will pigs and swine;
Rats and mice will have their choice,
if they can escape the chainsaw trap in time
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#27
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who cock was so long he could suck it
he said with a grin
while wiping his chin
"if my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it."
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#28
I love little pussy,
Her coat is so warm,
And if I don't hurt her,
She'll do me no harm.
So I'll not pull her tail,
Nor drive her away,
But pussy and I,
Very gently will play.

Didn't even change that one either. Who comes up with these nursey rhymes?
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#29
Quote by Kensai
I love little pussy,
Her coat is so warm,
And if I don't hurt her,
She'll do me no harm.
So I'll not pull her tail,
Nor drive her away,
But pussy and I,
Very gently will play.

Didn't even change that one either. Who comes up with these nursey rhymes?



Quote by thanksgiving
I'm coming for you with a castrator!
You sick bastard.



Watch that video below

If this video reaches 1000 views before Christmas, I'll play with my titties on cam.

#31
Quote by Wulphy
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who cock was so long he could suck it
he said with a grin
while wiping his chin
"if my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it."