#1
So after almost a year of half assed writing with writers block I think I may be rolling again. I know this needs work as does everything so I hope thousands of you will shred this thing up untill I cry... Thanks


Living life step by step
concerned with cracks
more so then imminent death
when I tasted the floor
so sour, my teeth shattered.
Jumping jack rabbited up
and you almost apologized
but my end of the world stare
netted your eyes like
the sun falling through our sky.
Hearts, souls, and minds
magically intertwined
like a painty rain sunshine
while an eternity soared by,
then he grabbed your hand and dragged you away
as I awaited to be awoken,
but its like the gods had spoken
and goddamn I’m hoping
I smash into you again.
Up, down, left, right
mornin, noon, evening, night.
Half a decade later I made her
my own, like pocketing a stone
you stumbled upon alone
and ran off to show the world
to prove I’m no longer the knee slapping
you hear as thunder by the gods;
but then it hit like lightning
noticing these raggy jeans
cause man a hole in my pocket
is exactly what I need.
Last edited by CarnivalBeam at Sep 9, 2009,
#2
There's a lot going on in there. So you're pissed that playing music keeps you poor?

In my world, the color RED doesn't exist.

The system has encountered a fatal error [1809]: 'YourOpinion' var has no set value.
#4
Actually, there's really not as much going on as I thought there was on the first read.


I'll be back later with a real crit.

EDIT:


Aight. This piece was way way more complicated than it needed to be, which could be a reason that dude thought there was so much going on in it. It's actually a simple idea, but I didn't realize that until I had read it about three times. Your main problem in my opinion is something that I struggle with as well. There are WAY too many excess lines and ideas, unnecessary stuff that just clutters the piece up and make a relatively simple idea become complicated to read. Because once you cut through all the extra shit, you realize that this is waaay longer than it needs to be. All of it just takes away from the emotion that should be felt when reading the piece, which is what makes a poem a good one-the ability to take a feeling, situation, or emotion and make the reader feel exactly what the writer is feeling(or wants the reader to feel), and feel it strongly. This didn't do that as well as it should have because when you are fumbling through all of these lines that don't move the piece along or progress the story at all, you start to get lost and confused. Next time you write, make sure every line is beneficial to the piece. Read every line and think does this benefit the piece? Does this move it along at all, or does this hold it back?

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Sep 1, 2009,
#5
Thanks man I truly appreciate it. I know its kind of a rambling mess but I feel like everyline is kind of needed, I just read through it again and removed two lines but other then that I cant find any more that are just kinda empty filler lines. Maybe some of them dont benefit the piece so well but its the long empty fields that make up most of the road trip you know?
Can you give me an example of a line that you feel isnt needed? Thanks again
#6
This was really a great read. I love pieces with a sense of disconcerted pace and inaccuracy. It lends such a wonderful ease of honesty and unhelpfulness. Don't change anything.

One thing to note, though, the point of this was very unclear. Maybe you could work on making a more rudimentary theme consistent throughout?
#7
Hey AG, thanks for the comment, you must have went back quite a ways to find this. BTW im under a new name cause my GF found my username here and I dont want her reading ALL of my posted works. You said similiar things about my pieces under the name mindtrek.
Anyway yeah all my works are rambling avalanches but thats why im here asking for help.

The point of this is in short; I fell in love with a girl in 9th grade subconsciously but realized the following year though she did not. Now, more then 5 years later she finally came to terms with herself and I and we are together now, but like I said to myself and tried to say in here, is never having love better then having love only to lose it? Cause man Id lose my mind if i lost her again, and believe me its already hard to keep track of....see? So thats what this and mos tof my stuff is about though not all.

I do see how this porbably isnt easy to read but I cant see how to change it without changing the whole piece so Ill probably start from scratch
#8
I remember you. I was very fond your style. I hate to burst the bubble, though, but you can't make two accounts. It's not tolerated at all, really. If you deleted the old one I think it's alright. But maybe ask Carmel and ZanasCross (or any mod) what the story is.

I'm not trying to be a douche, btw. Just warning you.

I appreciate your story. I'm glad it's going okay for you.
I don't like editing pieces, either. And I never really suggest it, except on a few occasions. I always believe in starting from scratch, as you say.
#9
hmm, though I can kinda of understand that rule it seems kind of silly and redundant, if anything it makes the site look better, and its not like im using two accounts here, I had an old one and now use this one permanently. They should both be under diff IPs and such anyway but if i get the chance maybe ill check the rules. Anyway thanks for the comment, would like to see more of your work around here.

Slightly edited a few things but dont want to bump my own thread...
Last edited by CarnivalBeam at Sep 9, 2009,