#1
Woman in Disguise

She awakes to a cold breeze and a cloudy sky
as she puts on her mask, feeling shy.
Today the mirror is her friend within,
while the mask is slowly but surely replacing her skin.

She struts down the road with her mask in place
and the people stare at her like she's hiding her face.
Cause they don't know what's under her disguise
because it's fake but she doesn't realize...

Woman in disguise
don't hide your profound eyes.
Take off your mask and show me your skin
open up your heart and let me in.

She's like a living doll out of control
she doesn't show emotion or her eyes to her soul.
I want to kiss her, but can't get near her face
she's just hiding behind the mask full of craze.

Show me heart just let me get near
I'll give you my love and affection, don't fear
trust me forever, and don't ask me how
because I love you and need you to be with me now.

Woman of disguise
don't hide your profound eyes.
Take off your mask and show me your skin
open up your heart and let me in...

-----------------------------------------------------------

This is my third song this far. All kinds of criticism is appreciated!
Thank you.
Last edited by JohnPetrucciFan at Sep 3, 2009,
#2
Quote by JohnPetrucciFan
Woman in Disguise

She wakes up to a cold breeze and poury rain
as she puts on her make-up with no complaints.
Today the mirror is her friend within,
but she can't see that her face is fading in
whilst the mask is replacing her skin.
I'd use "awakes" instead of "wakes up". "Poury" isn't a word; change it to "pouring". I don't like that she just "puts on" her makeup. A more interesting way to say that would make that line a lot better. And I don't know if "complaints" is exactly the word you're looking for, but that's just my preference I guess. Also, try removing one of the last two lines; otherwise this stanza doesn't fit in with the rest very well.

She walks down the road with a smile on her face
whilst the people stare at her like a candy with grace.
But they don't know what's under her disguise
cause it's all fake but she can't realize...
I would use "struts" instead of "walks". Also, I'd avoid using the word "whilst" in both stanzas; you may want to change this one to "and" or something. The rest of this stanza is amazing, in my opinion.

Woman of disguise
I'm tired of listening to your lies.
Take off your mask and show me your skin
open up your heart and let me in.
I'd change "listening to" to "hearing" for better flow. The rest is great.

She's like a living doll out of control
and can't escape from her own fantasy console.
I want to kiss you, but can't get near your face
your embraced by a mask that's just a weird maze.
This whole stanza feels way off to me. The first three lines work well enough, though they could use some work. But the fourth line is awkward, and the rhyme was definitely forced.

Show me yourself, open yourself
I'll give you care and affection don't fear
trust me forever, don't ask how
cause I love you so, and I want you now.
I really don't like the flow in this one. Here's how I would write this stanza:

Show me your heart, just let me get near
I'll give you my love and affection, don't fear
Trust me forever, and don't ask me how
Because I love you and need you to be with me now.

Just an example of how I think you could make that stanza flow a lot better.


Woman of disguise
I'm tired of listening to your lies.
Take off your mask and show me your skin
open up your heart and let me in...
-----------------------------------------------------------

This is my third song this far. All kinds of criticism is appreciated!
Thank you.


Overall you've got a good message, good execution, decent flow for the most part, but it could use some broader vocabulary. Hope some of my criticism helps; this could turn into a really great song with a little work. Good job.
#3
Quote by JohnPetrucciFan
Woman in Disguise

She wakes up to a cold breeze and poury rain
Do you mean "pouring"? And for some reason this line really gets me into this.... Not sure why, but it draws me in.
as she puts on her make-up with no complaints.
Today the mirror is her friend within,
but she can't see that her face is fading in
whilst the mask is replacing her skin.
I don't like the flow in the last three lines. It seems like you wrote them that way for a triple rhyme.

She walks down the road with a smile on her face
whilst the people stare at her like a candy with grace.
Use "while"... I like it better. And this whole line is bad IMO. "A candy with grace" is a terrible phrase and was used just to rhyme.
But they don't know what's under her disguise
cause it's all fake but she can't realize...
I'd prefer if you said "Because it's fake" so add a "Be" and take out the "all". And the last line would make a lot more sense if you said "...but she doesn't realize".

Woman of disguise
Do you mean "in"?
I'm tired of listening to your lies.
Cliched rhyme. Bad flow.
Take off your mask and show me your skin
open up your heart and let me in.
I LOVE these last two lines.

She's like a living doll out of control
and can't escape from her own fantasy console.
Terrible flow caused by forced rhyme.
I want to kiss you, but can't get near your face
your embraced by a mask that's just a weird maze.
You changed perspective.... First it's third person and then it's not....

Show me yourself, open yourself
I hate this.
I'll give you care and affection don't fear
Whenever someone uses "don't fear" I want to stab myself.
trust me forever, don't ask how
cause I love you so, and I want you now.
Terrible last line. The flow works, but it's cliched and boring.

Woman of disguise
I'm tired of listening to your lies.
Take off your mask and show me your skin
open up your heart and let me in...
-----------------------------------------------------------

This is my third song this far. All kinds of criticism is appreciated!
Thank you.


Not bad. Needs fixing up, but it works.
#4
Thanks for the critics, I know my english is poor (I'm from Norway and only 14 =P) and that's one of the reasons I sendt it in here. I couldn't expect so much since it is my first songs, but whatevah! ; )
I know the last lines in the first stanza were a bit off, but I couldn't really find anything that rhymed to it, hence my forced rhymes which I agree was bad.
As you can see, I've worked on the song to approve it.
Hope it's better! Thanks for the english translating and grammaticly helpings! xD
Last edited by JohnPetrucciFan at Sep 3, 2009,