#1
thinking about adding more to it, tell me what you think so far.


what happened to this world
it spins as it swirls
but the people inside arent moving

because its so hard to move
when your busy trying to prove
that outside there is no losing

and they've tried so hard
to grow themselves apart
but have no idea what its doing

whats the point of this world
that spins as it swirls
if the people inside arent moving
Last edited by SmartyJones at Sep 1, 2009,
#2
Quote by SmartyJones
thinking about adding more to it, tell me what you think so far.


what happened to this world
it spins as it swirls
but the people inside arent moving
I like the description of the world here. Great stanza.

because its so hard to move
when your busy trying to prove
that outside there is no losing
Again, I really like the way you worded this. Not much else to say; another good stanza.

and they've tried so hard
to grow themselves apart
but have no idea what its doing
I really like this stanza. I appreciate the fact that instead of forcing a rhyme for the second line, you just left it as a half-rhyme.

whats the point of this world
it spins as it swirls
if the people inside arent moving
Perfect ending in my opinion. It wraps up the piece well. Grammatically, you need to add something like "as" at the beginning of the second line. It flows better that way too.

Overall, a very nice piece. I really liked the rather different rhyming pattern; not many people use patterns like that. Excellent work.

By the way, where did the title come from? To me, it doesn't seem to relate to the piece in any way. Just curious.

If you'd be so kind as to critique my new song, Sugarblind, that would be awesome. No pressure though! ^_^
Last edited by Winter Sky at Sep 1, 2009,
#3
Quote by SmartyJones
thinking about adding more to it, tell me what you think so far.


what happened to this world
it spins as it swirls
but the people inside arent moving
I like this a lot. But I agree with Winter Sky. If you said something like: "The people trapped inside are in stasis". One more syllable, but I like it more. Just a suggestion.

because its so hard to move
when your busy trying to prove
that outside there is no losing
I don't like this forced rhyme. And I feel like it would be better without that "busy".

and they've tried so hard
to grow themselves apart
but have no idea what its doing
Add a "they" before the "have".

whats the point of this world
it spins as it swirls
if the people inside arent moving


The middle line of the last stanza is useless. Do you realize that? If you would change the "it" to "that" it would have more of a connection, but as it is, it's just a repetition that serves no purpose. I like it. It has potential.

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1193375
#4
thanks for the crits, ill return the favor

the suggestion to change "it" to "that" makes alot of sense and makes the stanza better so thanks for that

i named the song Indentical because when i was writing it, i was thinking about how everybody wants to be like everybody else and how in the end we are all dead inside becuase of it.

any more suggestions would be great
#7
thanks, does any one have any input on whether or not it should be expanded more? and if so, where?