#1
It hurt to write this.


Last night, we sat
hand in hand
on the edge of
a beautiful, rugged cliff
overlooking the majestic sea.
To the sound of
powerful waves
crashing against the rocks,
we discussed our dreams and aspirations.
I told him that someday,
I want to sail to Zimbabwe.
And he said,
“Zimbabwe isn’t near the water, silly!”
And we laughed half the night away,
until he said,

“One day, I’ll build you a boat with wings, and we’ll sail to Zimbabwe.”

I think he meant it.


Last night, we sat
hand in sweaty hand
on the edge of some dreary cliff
by the sea(I hate fish).
To the sound of angry waves
crashing against the rocks,
(Maybe some fish were caught in the tide.)
she fed me some idiocy
about sailing to Zimbabwe.
And I told her,
“Zimbabwe isn’t near the sea, silly!”
And pretended to laugh for entirely too long.
Then I said,

“One day, I’ll build you a boat with wings, and we’ll sail to Zimbabwe.”

I think she thought I meant it.
I would like to thank the academy..
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#2
B-b-b-b-blackdot!!!!

No, seriously, I'll come back to this.

EDIT: Something to add on to the conversation below me. I remember, in the intro to the Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis said he would sometimes fall into depression after a long writing session in a demonic point of view. I was interested to see the link to your position. On the other hand, I hold some skepticism for pieces not written from personal experience. That doesn't mean I won't like it, but that I have reservations.
Last edited by Hesh at Sep 1, 2009,
#4
I should clarify.


This is completely fictional, and doesn't outline any of my feelings about any human being or any other living entity. Which is why I said "It hurt to write this." It really did. But I had had this idea for awhile, writing a piece with two different viewpoints on the same situation, so I figured I would just get it out so I could stop thinking about it and move on with my life.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#6
Because I have a girlfriend that I feel exactly the opposite about. And writing(pouring your soul into) something, an idea, that you completely disagree with and writing from a viewpoint of someone that you totally disrespect doesn't feel good.


Now hush your mouth unless you have something negative to say about the piece.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
I love doing that. It makes me feel omniscient, y'know?

All kidding aside, I've almost always felt the way you're describing in your piece. Always, except once. Which didn't work either, but I totally connect with your piece. Crit mine?

EDIT: YOUR PIECE IS A NUTTY BROWN PILE OF BULL****! MY VOMIT IS MORE POETIC THAN THAT ****! CLEAN IT UP, SON!
Last edited by mamosa at Sep 1, 2009,
#8
That was brilliant. And kind of hilarious in a sick, ironic kind of way. It's interesting how the same situation can have such differing moods when told from different points of view.

I giggled at the last two lines. I loved the cynicism in them.

Amazing work as usual. Keep it up.
#9
Quote by Ganoosh
It hurt to write this.


Last night, we sat
hand in hand
on the edge of
a beautiful, rugged cliff
overlooking the majestic sea.
To the sound of
powerful waves
I don't like the adjective "powerful" here, it doesn't really go with the rest of the terms you used for the rest of the environment.
crashing against the rocks,
we discussed our dreams and aspirations.
I told him that someday,
I want to sail to Zimbabwe.
And he said,
“Zimbabwe isn’t near the water, silly!”
And we laughed half the night away,
until he said,

“One day, I’ll build you a boat with wings, and we’ll sail to Zimbabwe.”

I think he meant it.


I really love the imagery you applied in this stanza.

Last night, we sat
hand in sweaty hand
on the edge of some dreary cliff
by the sea(I hate fish).
To the sound of angry waves
crashing against the rocks,
(Maybe some fish were caught in the tide.)
I love the antonym use (you know what I mean).
she fed me some idiocy
about sailing to Zimbabwe.
And I told her,
“Zimbabwe isn’t near the sea, silly!”
And pretended to laugh for entirely too long.
Then I said,

“One day, I’ll build you a boat with wings, and we’ll sail to Zimbabwe.”

I think she thought I meant it.
I would like to thank the academy..

The cynicism in this piece is fantastic, I found myself smiling by the end of it.


Overall, I enjoyed this piece. The way you applied the cynicism was great, I really enjoyed it man.
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

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Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#10
I really enjoyed reading this. Aloud, I didn't pick up on the scenario until most the way through the second perspective, but it stopped me dead in my tracks. That's what poetry should do.

The style is true to relationships, I think, how one event can be seen from very different perspectives, how an 'I love you' can really mean 'I hate you', but it's still not a lie. Structurally, this piece is sound, but I felt a pang of something close to disgust when I read the academy line. It doesn't work, it doesn't fit, it's Hunter Thompson paraphrasing Jane Austen. Blech.
#11
You know that comment I made about your poetry before?

I take it back, my friend. This was very maturely handled, and that's why it worked. Also, props for quoting Fight Club at the end, added a whole new air of darkness. If you didn't quote Fight Club at the end and have no idea what I'm talking about, get and watch the movie, then read the book, and you'll see why that quote at the end did what it did. Well done Mr. Polar Bear.
#12
Disliked the quote. I got the tone before it, that was just silliness.

You can change some line breaks around, some of them are all over the place (it's fairly obvious), and make it read smooth when it should and keep it as it is where it should.

I really really liked this. It reminds me of a lot of what I try to write, but I'm still dreaming.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
I like the concept of the two viewpoints, and they'res something biting about it, that two people are thinking the about exact same thing, the exact same rocks and waves and cliffs in the same order but feel different, almost opposite about them.

some noteworthy parts:
The parenthesis (I hate fish) didn't seem right. It's like someone saying they hate clouds or windmills, it isn't quite a strong sentiment of hate, more like a comical hate, which doesn't fit in with the rest of the piece. The 2nd parenthesis (Maybe some fish were caught in the tide) hit me for some reason. It's like watching two countries you don't care for decimate each other while a smile comes across your face, the waves and the fish.

I think this would work better in prose form. The line breaks didn't quite feel right.


p.s. this kind of makes makes me curious, what does happen when a fish gets caught in a crashing wave?
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
Last edited by Laces Out Danny at Sep 3, 2009,
#14
I liked this. It was a refreshing concept which you pulled of quite well.The only thing that stuck out a bit was the (I hate fish) to me it was like hitting a pot hole while you were sleeping in back seat. the second ( fish line) did bring it back together a bit, to me I felt like you were tying to get the point accross that his mind wasnt really there with her, but you did that fine without these lines. Still I dont know if I would take them out, I guess I wouldnt. A really nice read, wish I could be more helpful.
#15
First off, loved the idea of the piece. It was something that I've never really seen before and in my opinion, you did a great job with it. I think the poem shined the brightest when you were subtle in expressing the dichotomous feelings that these two people have for each other. For example, the first person opens with "Last night, we sat hand in hand" whereas the second opens with "Last night, we sat hand in sweaty hand"-- just the subtlety of 'sweaty' does wonders for the tone. Also example of this is in the line, "she fed me some idiocy about sailing to Zimbabwe". Here, the second person ridicules the "dreams and aspirations" of the first person by basically calling her an idiot. I thought great diction and subtle juxtaposition is what made this poem great.

I do have but a few quips with it. The "(I hate fish)" part didn't express the feeling I think you intended. Hate is so overused that when it hits the reader, we feel nothing and especially when it's phrased like this, it comes across as light-hearted. I think it detracts from the serious tone you wanted. Also, the very last "I would like to thank the academy" I think should be removed. Again, I think it makes things to light-hearted and also takes away from the subtlety that you demonstrated throughout. Here you blatantly tell us that the second person was acting, being fake. I, personally, would have preferred it if you ended it after "I think she thought I meant it." That's just my opinion.

All in all though, beautiful poem. Great imagery with the cliffs and sailing to Zimbabwe. Very well done.
here, My Dear, here it is
#16
Thanks for the crits, everybody. Leave links if any of you have something you want me to look at.


With the (I hate fish) part, I was going for it being a little silly, to show just how little the guy actually cared and where his mind was(not on her, even though they are sitting by a beautiful cliff watching the ocean..)

So I guess it did that, just not the right way. And kyle is right in that the academy line is from fight club, but I guess it doesn't do much if you either haven't seen/read it or don't remember that part.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#18
I like the idea behind this piece.
I really like the contrast between the two characters in this piece. It makes it seem real - which says something for your writing if it's completely fictional.
I also enjoyed how it's written - the second verse with the twisted view of the same situation really works well.

I am, however, inclined to agree with those above me on the quote at the end. It really doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem and, though I appreciate it's there for a reason, kind of spoiled the ending for me.
Now that I think of it, if you perhaps seperated that quote from the line above it with another empty line, I think it might work.

Overall, a good, well composed piece.
Thanks for the crit.
#19
Quote by Ganoosh
Thanks for the crits, everybody. Leave links if any of you have something you want me to look at.


either one of the pieces in my sig
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#20
So I guess it did that, just not the right way. And kyle is right in that the academy line is from fight club, but I guess it doesn't do much if you either haven't seen/read it or don't remember that part.


QFT. It's sad because that one quote just adds so much more to this piece.
#21
Laces and Mamosa, I'll get back to you guys later.(I will do it eventually, though.) The rest of you, I owe you a crit when you post something new.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#22
This is the first thing I've read from you that I enjoyed the whole way through. Without a doubt your best piece so far.
#23
I liked it. The two opposite feelings towards the same experience was interesting. I hate wondering if someone i'm with is feeling like the person in the second half, while i feel like the person in the first. Really good.