#1
c4c

This is the newest edition. I'm not so happy with the second to last verse. It encapsulates the message I want to send, but I hate the way it's written. Help!


The Canvas

As he passes his broad brush
Across a blank, bare canvas
Life is created

As he whisks his broad brush
Across a covered, complete canvas
Life is destroyed

When gazed upon for the
First time, chaos is all
That is observed

Face value gains control
Perception is shallow
The painter seems the fool

But there is a careful system
Of order neath the clear chaos.
One purposely created

The painting is ruled by the
Natural order imparted
Unto it by the artist

The more fool you
For doubting its merit
Last edited by mamosa at Sep 1, 2009,
#2
In the first stanza, find a better word for the second "broad" when referring to the canvas. God, it annoys me when people use the same word twice within a single stanza. Second stanza, find another word for broad. That's just annoying as well. Not understanding the connection between 1st and second stanzas, either.


The last two lines are kind of incoherent sounding...is that weird syntax? a purposely left out word? A typo? "The more fool you" makes no sense, even when taken in context.


Thanks for that wonderfully deep crit on my piece.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Quote by Ganoosh
In the first stanza, find a better word for the second "broad" when referring to the canvas. God, it annoys me when people use the same word twice within a single stanza. Second stanza, find another word for broad. That's just annoying as well. Not understanding the connection between 1st and second stanzas, either.


The last two lines are kind of incoherent sounding...is that weird syntax? a purposely left out word? A typo? "The more fool you" makes no sense, even when taken in context.


Thanks for that wonderfully deep crit on my piece.



The first two verses are paralleled. I didn't notice about using broad twice though.... Good catch.

Also, "the more fool you" does make sense. You've probably never come across it before, until now. I'm glad you were able to learn from it. *takes a bow*
#4
It makes sense, but in a strange, twisted way. I was just wondering if you did it on purpose.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
...no.... I was typing and caught Momentarius Dyslexius (that's Latin, the english is: momentary dyslexia) from a giant mosquito. Then I devised a really backwards way of saying "you're a fool."

Quote by Ganoosh
The last two lines are kind of incoherent sounding...is that weird syntax? a purposely left out word? A typo? "The more fool you" makes no sense, even when taken in context.


Hmm... you knew it made sense....... Riiiiiiight......
#6
Quote by mamosa
c4c

This is the newest edition. I'm not so happy with the second to last verse. It encapsulates the message I want to send, but I hate the way it's written. Help!


The Canvas

As he passes his broad brush
Across a broad, bare canvas
Life is created
I'm not sure if I like that you used the same word to describe both the brush and the canvas. In a way, it links the two together, but I'm not sure if I like it. Great verse nonetheless.

As he whisks his broad brush
Across a covered, complete canvas
Life is destroyed
Another great verse, but I think that "covered" and "complete" sound better in the opposite order. I can't seem to feel the flow with it written this way.

When gazed upon for the
First time, chaos is all
That is observed
Nice choice of words; yet another great verse.

Face value gains control
Perception is shallow
The painter seems the fool
I absolutely love this verse. The way in which it's written really makes it stand out.

But there is a careful system
Of order neath the clear chaos.
One purposely created
As the verse before, I love this. I like the use of the word "neath." Probably the first time I've seen it used strategically, rather than to try to sound smart.

The painting is ruled by the
Natural order imparted
Unto it by the artist
This verse feels weak after so many strong ones. The first line is great, the second line is good, but the third line seems like it's missing something.

The more fool you
For doubting its merit
Perfect ending to an amazing piece. All of the words seem to be expertly chosen to fill their places exactly as you wanted them to.

I was expecting greatness from you, and this definitely met, if not exceeded, those expectations. I really enjoyed reading this.

It seems I was beaten to the punch on the overuse of the word "broad" as I was typing. It sounds much better now.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Sep 1, 2009,
#7
Thank you, Winter Sky. I said that I need help with the second to last verse. Any tips?

And I changed the "broad".
#8
Well, I think that "free" or "bold" would sound better than "clear" when describing the chaos, now that I take a second look. And I'd change the last line to something like "One formed with purpose" or something of that sort. Hope that helps.

(I'm guessing that's the verse you're referring to. If not, I'd be happy to come back and help out with the verse after this one. )
Last edited by Winter Sky at Sep 1, 2009,
#9
Quote by Winter Sky
Well, I think that "free" or "bold" would sound better than "clear" when describing the chaos, now that I take a second look. And I'd change the last line to something like "One formed with purpose" or something of that sort. Hope that helps.

(I'm guessing that's the verse you're referring to. If not, I'd be happy to come back and help out with the verse after this one. )



The one after it. The one with the last line "...unto it..."
#10
Hah, I figured I'd critiqued the wrong one. Oh well, no harm in extra critiquing!

I think the word "governed" is a more interesting way to say "ruled".

Another word I'd change is "natural". I like the word "inborn" better, and it fits with the theme of the painter creating or "giving birth" to the painting with the intention of making it appear chaotic.

Anyway, there's my two cents. Hope I helped with this one lol.
#11
I like the governed, not the inborn..... I'm having an idea though............

Now that I look at it more, that whole verse just reiterates what the previous verse says..
Last edited by mamosa at Sep 1, 2009,
#13
Great piece! I love art and I agree with your message in this one.

The painting is ruled by the
Natural order imparted by the artist
But blinded by the naked eye.

I don't know if that's good or bad or don't make sense at all, but it's just an opinion.
You can check out my songs if you want...
Last edited by JohnPetrucciFan at Sep 2, 2009,
#14
Quote by mamosa
c4c

This is the newest edition. I'm not so happy with the second to last verse. It encapsulates the message I want to send, but I hate the way it's written. Help!


The Canvas

As he passes his broad brush
Across a blank, bare canvas
Life is created

As he whisks his broad brush
Across a covered, complete canvas
Life is destroyed
I like these two stanzas a lot. The dualism and parallell structure really work well here. The only thing is I would change the use of broad in the second stanza. I realize the brush hasn't changed in it's broadness, but I think you'd be better served taking some artistic license and extending the dualism. You changed the description of the canvas, so not changing the description of the brush seems odd.

When gazed upon for the
First time, chaos is all
That is observed
Something about the way you divided up the line "When gazed upon for the/ First time" bugs me, but I can't place what, so nevermind.

Face value gains control
Perception is shallow
The painter seems the fool
Liked this a lot.

But there is a careful system
Of order neath the clear chaos.
One purposely created
"of order neath" sounds odd to me. In my opinion, "beneath" might flow a bit better.

The painting is ruled by the
Natural order imparted
Unto it by the artist
I had a suggestion for this, but honestly I like it the way it is.

The more fool you
For doubting its merit
Been a long time since I've seen that particular syntax used in contemporary composition. I like the use though. Fits in with the style. Also, the break in structure ties the whole thing together well.

As usual, I liked this a lot.
#15
The part about the first two verses, well, in the first verse, it's blank, and in the second one, it's been painted. I don't see why the description of the brush has to change too. IMO it helps with the parallel.
#16
Quote by mamosa
c4c

This is the newest edition. I'm not so happy with the second to last verse. It encapsulates the message I want to send, but I hate the way it's written. Help!

I thought this piece was longer than it is, did you change it?

The Canvas

As he passes his broad brush
Across a blank, bare canvas
Life is created

Well if the canvas is blank, it would have to be bare as well. Kind of redundant, but I like the imagery.

As he whisks his broad brush
Across a covered, complete canvas
Life is destroyed

Ahh, I see what you're going for now.

When gazed upon for the
First time, chaos is all
That is observed

I'm missing the part when he actually put any paint on this canvas, but I'll run with it.

Face value gains control
Perception is shallow
The painter seems the fool

I love this stanza.

But there is a careful system
Of order neath the clear chaos.
One purposely created

I see the metaphor now, loving it.

The painting is ruled by the
Natural order imparted
Unto it by the artist

Excellent use of vocabulary.

The more fool you
For doubting its merit

Ooh, different syntax, awesome way to end it.


I might seem a little harsh in my crit, but make no mistake, I really loved this piece. Awesome job, man.

Oh, and
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

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#17
Quote by mamosa
The part about the first two verses, well, in the first verse, it's blank, and in the second one, it's been painted. I don't see why the description of the brush has to change too. IMO it helps with the parallel.


well, when you're reading the whole thing together, it seems a bit redundant to use the same word twice in a row. Go ahead with it if you think it works, but that's my thoughts.

the whole thing is a great piece, I wonder do you have any music for it?
Hell has a 2-for-1 deal and i'm inviting you!

IT'S TIME TO TAKE THE TIME!


We're all waiting
For something

A whisper of silence
A reflection of darkness

Something lost to be found
#19
Quote by mamosa
Nope. Wasn't thinking of making it into a song.


Oh... lol oh, well, it's still good
Hell has a 2-for-1 deal and i'm inviting you!

IT'S TIME TO TAKE THE TIME!


We're all waiting
For something

A whisper of silence
A reflection of darkness

Something lost to be found
#20
To be honest, this didn't deliver much of anything to me. Each stanza stood all alone, connected to each other by the idea of an artist. I was ok with that; however, they didn't develop anything more than a sentiment that could be delivered in one line, "The artist is always the deity in control of his canvas." The fact that I could sum up everything you said clearly and concisely in one line tells me that you probably spent too many words on this; and frankly it comes across that way. By the end of the second stanza, I was already bored. There wasn't a tone or voice that the narrator was carrying. You didn't develop a mood or a character. There wasn't a specific flow or bounce or ebb to the way the words came down the page. In the end, this was an idea that was expanded upon... but the idea was thin enough that the expansion seemed to draw it to a point of becoming over done. To steal from Tolkien, "butter scraped across too much toast."

There was nothing here for me to connect with and the sentiment being expressed wasn't strong enough to warrant so much discussion. That combination just seemed to create a product that couldn't hold my interest.

Content aside, the technical side of this was also lacking. Alliterations like "broad brush" can be used well.. however here it stuck out as a fairly elementary line; almost "over" descriptive, Like calling a fire truck red. It wasn't smooth to read, and as such sort of put a negative connotation to the very first line which brings up negative feelings towards the piece from the get go. If your descriptions don't come across smoothly, your image as a whole is going to seem fabricated and people aren't going to jump into your written world. That's bad, especially when most of this piece is centered around people seeing the artists world.

Overall, I just felt like this didn't deliver much content and didn't compensate for lack of content with solid technical delivery. There wasn't anything here that when I read it, I felt like "wow, that was nice." Instead I just got to the end of the page and my only thought was that you could have delivered a lot more insight with that many lines than what you did.

Forgive the harshness, just giving you truth from my point of view.



zC