#1
c4c. I swear I'll get to them from this piece and my last. Writing is happening much faster than critiquing due to limited time.



And she screamed.
No. I'm not doing this.
Frantic hands
quivering lips
liquid eyes.
No, I'm not doing this.
Her eyes began to burn;
from innocent brown to
dead.
Golden locks became forest fires of shame,
and she felt it in her toes;
whore.

Confusion.
Myself is lost, she says.
I'm not this.
I'm more than for fucking.
I'm Diana, I'm 21,
this is my first porno
I'm looking for love
but since I can't find it,
I'll settle for sex
and the thought that after it
I'll be stoned out of my mind
and forget about this guy
shoving a cock down my throat
and taking pictures of my tits;
soon you'll see, I'll be a lawyer
and a doctor and the president
and the prime minister
and a governor
and a secretary.
I'll be it all.

but for now,
I just need to fuck to get high
I just need to fuck until you lose faith in humanity.
#2
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c. I swear I'll get to them from this piece and my last. Writing is happening much faster than critiquing due to limited time.


She was 21 and full of youth,
her skin was perfect
her breasts were perky
and she seemed just so happy.
Kind of an odd description, but I'll take it....

Then he took her top off
and her smile went away.
"You want your bag of shake, babe?
Gotta do what daddy says."
This is the exact ending to Requiem for a Dream!!! Holy ****, Zach, I love you!!

Her eyes began to burn;
from innocent brown to
dead.
I don't like this. I think you should have done: "from innocent brown to/*fill in the adjective* brown".
Golden locks became forest fires of shame,
Love this.
and she felt it in her toes;
whore.
Great verse.

And she screamed.
No. I'm not doing this.
Frantic hands
quivering lips
liquid eyes.
No, I'm not doing this.
I like the repetition here. Still going strong.

She kept moaning
and panting for help.
She kept crying
and arching her back.
Eh. Not great.

Confusion.
Myself is lost, she says.
I'm not this.
I'm more than for fucking.
I'm Diana, I'm 21,
this is my first video
and I'm looking for love
Where the hell did this come from??? Before, I was under the impression she was ****ing for drugs.... Now you bring love here all of a sudden? I don't like it.
but since I can't find it,
I'll settle for sex
and the thought that after it
I'll be stoned out of my mind
So is she an addict or does she just need the drugs to forget the sex?
and forget about this guy
shoving a cock down my throat
and taking pictures of my tits;
soon you'll see, I'll be a lawyer
and a doctor and the president
and the prime minister
and a governor
and a secretary.
I'll be it all.

but for now,
I just need to fuck to get this weed.
I just need to fuck until you lose faith in humanity.


I liked this piece a lot. There were parts I didn't like so much, so indicated in my crit, but it was very nice. This was better than your last.

You owe me two crits. Links in sig.
#3
haha no one has sex for weed. Also, if ur a dude and you wrote this, dont try to write like this anymore, cause if ur making this story up, i can tell and the audience can tell and wont be able to identify with it.
#4
Quote by foxygrandpa
haha no one has sex for weed. Also, if ur a dude and you wrote this, dont try to write like this anymore, cause if ur making this story up, i can tell and the audience can tell and wont be able to identify with it.


I'm not asking you to identify with her. There is more to reading poetry than the story on top. You're welcome to your opinion of my writing; but whether you identify with a female view of having sex on camera is irrelevant to this piece.

And apparently they do have sex for weed... according to the videos that inspired this.
#5
c4c. I swear I'll get to them from this piece and my last. Writing is happening much faster than critiquing due to limited time.


She was 21 and full of youth,
her skin was perfect
her breasts were perky
and she seemed just so happy.
Interesting description, set the vibe well.
Then he took her top off
and her smile went away.
"You want your bag of shake, babe?
Gotta do what daddy says."
Loving the quote.
Her eyes began to burn;
from innocent brown to
dead.
Dead isn't the word I would use here, but I like the first 2 lines.
Golden locks became forest fires of shame,
and she felt it in her toes;
whore.
A mod avoiding the censor, priceless, hehe. This part was amazing.
And she screamed.
No. I'm not doing this.
Frantic hands
quivering lips
liquid eyes.
No, I'm not doing this.
The imagery you create is very well formed, but I don't believe liquid is the best word to use here. Other than that, fantastic.
She kept moaning
and panting for help.
She kept crying
and arching her back.
Imagery getting a little more sickening, now.
Confusion.
Myself is lost, she says.
I'm not this.
I'm more than for fucking.
I'm Diana, I'm 21,
this is my first video
and I'm looking for love
but since I can't find it,
I'll settle for sex
You've got me feeling pretty crappy by this part, man. Keep it up.
and the thought that after it
I'll be stoned out of my mind
and forget about this guy
shoving a cock down my throat
and taking pictures of my tits;
soon you'll see, I'll be a lawyer
and a doctor and the president
and the prime minister
and a governor
and a secretary.
I'll be it all.
I know what you're basing this off of, and you are weaving the mindset beautifully.
but for now,
I just need to fuck to get this weed.
I just need to fuck until you lose faith in humanity.
I let out a sigh at the end of this. And not a sigh of relief.


I really did love this piece, man. I really did. A few places my personal preference got the hold of me, but nothing at all major. I love the way you right.

Link is in my sig, don't feel like you have to.
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

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Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
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Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#6
Quote by ZanasCross
I'm not asking you to identify with her. There is more to reading poetry than the story on top. You're welcome to your opinion of my writing; but whether you identify with a female view of having sex on camera is irrelevant to this piece.

And apparently they do have sex for weed... according to the videos that inspired this.



the videos that inspired this? lol

it was alright but certain lines like "shoving a **** down my throat"
seem to only be there for shock value
i think the woman in the stories emotional anguish, and desperation could have been articulated without the need for those sorta lines to tell truth...

but if you were to use one of those lines i think it would be cool if you kept the rest of the sexual imagery fairly ambiguous and THEN tossed in a line like that

nice work though man i quite enjoyed the read
#7
EDIT.

I didn't read the above posts about how videos inspired this.

Regardless of the inspiration, I do agree that it is uncommon for someone to have sex for marijuana. You could make enough money for a bag of pot working at a grocery store... or collecting bottles and cans.

I'd like to see the videos that inspired this. I don't doubt that it's real, but it doesn't really hit home to me quite as hard as say...jennifer connely going ass to ass for a fix of dope. That's desperation.

I liked it though.
Last edited by clichealias at Sep 3, 2009,
#8
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c. I swear I'll get to them from this piece and my last. Writing is happening much faster than critiquing due to limited time.


She was 21 and full of youth,
her skin was perfect
her breasts were perky
and she seemed just so happy.

A pretty ordinary description.

Then he took her top off
and her smile went away.
"You want your bag of shake, babe?
Gotta do what daddy says."

Again, but leaves me intriqued which is good.

Her eyes began to burn;
from innocent brown to
dead.
Golden locks became forest fires of shame,
and she felt it in her toes;
whore.

I like this stanza,
I feel like the ball starts to roll here.



And she screamed.
No. I'm not doing this.
Frantic hands
quivering lips
liquid eyes.
No, I'm not doing this.

Im just not sure about the frantic hands line,
I imagine alot of wild flailing which makes it humorous imo.
maybe thats what you wanted idk


She kept moaning
and panting for help.
She kept crying
and arching her back.

I feel like this is turning into rape a bit,
and Im not sure how someone "pants for help"
I see her dog like tongue.


Confusion.
Myself is lost, she says.
I'm not this.
I'm more than for fucking.
I'm Diana, I'm 21,
this is my first video
and I'm looking for love

To me this jumps off course, like its become
some kind of dating video, looking for love?
what happened to ****ing for shake?


but since I can't find it,
I'll settle for sex
and the thought that after it
I'll be stoned out of my mind
and forget about this guy
shoving a cock down my throat
and taking pictures of my tits;

ok good you brought it back on point now
but the whole sex for weed im not fond about.
It just as well have been sex for a ham sandwhich, ha.


soon you'll see, I'll be a lawyer
and a doctor and the president
and the prime minister
and a governor
and a secretary.
I'll be it all.

a claming inner monoloague while shes getting plowed?
what happened to the moans and tears, or has he finished?


but for now,
I just need to fuck to get this weed.
I just need to fuck until you lose faith in humanity.



ok so he hasnt finished. So is she ****ing for weed ro for me to lose faith in humanity? I would hope thats a very large bag of pot.


This was odd. I was loving it, then I hated it, and then I just laughed.
Your writing ability is good as Ive seen in preivous pieces, but this one...idk, each stanza was a hit or miss with me.
Last edited by CarnivalBeam at Sep 3, 2009,
#9
You I usually don't crit your pieces, but I needed to say something. In my opinion, the beginning ruins an amazing ending. I would cut the first two stanzas, or maybe even cut the third one and begin with "She screamed", I also don't like "She kept moaning/and panting for help./She kept crying/and arching her back.". The fourth, sixth and seventh stanzas would make an amazing piece, but really amazing. Sure it doesn't have "time" to "build up" but I think they hit like an anvil from the skies (kind of dumb comparison).
#10
Quote by seventh_angel
You I usually don't crit your pieces, but I needed to say something. In my opinion, the beginning ruins an amazing ending. I would cut the first two stanzas, or maybe even cut the third one and begin with "She screamed", I also don't like "She kept moaning/and panting for help./She kept crying/and arching her back.". The fourth, sixth and seventh stanzas would make an amazing piece, but really amazing. Sure it doesn't have "time" to "build up" but I think they hit like an anvil from the skies (kind of dumb comparison).


Good call. Time to cut this bitch down. /pun


Edited.
#12
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
Quote by clichealias
EDIT.

I didn't read the above posts about how videos inspired this.

Regardless of the inspiration, I do agree that it is uncommon for someone to have sex for marijuana. You could make enough money for a bag of pot working at a grocery store... or collecting bottles and cans.

I'd like to see the videos that inspired this. I don't doubt that it's real, but it doesn't really hit home to me quite as hard as say...jennifer connely going ass to ass for a fix of dope. That's desperation.

I liked it though.


You'll find the vast majority of actors get high (generally something stronger than dope, admittedly) or drunk before performing which can often lead to a vicious circle, because being in porn is horrible.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#15
It's weird but good.

I could imagin it being something that BMTH would sing.

I like some of the imagery

Comment on mine
#16
Firstly, I think that edit did it wonders.
This piece just grabbed me from the off - the language you use is really powerful. You carry across the grief, disbelief, hope and desperation perfectly and I can really feel for this girl.
What really makes this piece work is that, for me, it's a believable scenario - I can totally believe that this girl exists somewhere, existing (or subsisting) off her hope that one day she will be free of it. And the fact that we know it'll likely never happen is crushing.
The only negative thing I can say about this piece is the ending - it seems weaker than the rest of it, and perhaps a little bit confusing.

Aside from that - a beautiful, emotive piece of writing.
Well done sir.

Crit Question. or >1?
They're in my sig.
#17
As a quick, 'you-should-know' Doing this to your pieces brings me so much joy.


Quote by ZanasCross



And she screamed.
No. I'm not doing this.
Frantic hands
quivering lips
liquid eyes.
No, I'm not doing this.
Her eyes began to burn;
from innocent brown to
dead.
Golden locks became forest fires of shame,
and she felt it in her toes;
whore.

I am appalled this is being called 'amazing' and 'great.' I'm half in the assumption no one has ever read anything in the history of the universe to consider this even 'good.' I'm not even joking when I say this, this is bad. In all accounts of objective criticism, this is really, really bad. I'm having trouble starting and saying anything, because I'm overwhelmed. The writing is lazy, here are examples of lazy pseudo-description:

Liquid eyes
Innocent brown
forest fires of shame (not really a description just a really, really awful metaphor.)

So anyway, the problem with those two is that there is no reason given to us as to why these things are happening, you're being vague for artistic integrity which typically means you're lack of an ability to tell this "theme/story/general mess" in an intelligent, interesting and believable fashion.

What is so innocent about her eyes, and why 'liquid' why not say crying or any other overused synonym. That word holds much more of an emotional connect than 'liquid' and unless you're trying to appeal to a water faucet I'd suggest using words associable on the human emotional spectrum.

Another problem with this is the idea that what is being committed is rape. She is saying no, yet it happens, which I believe is the definition of being raped. And after reading the comments you later posted, you watched a video of consensual sex between two people, made up some inane story and alluded to her essentially being raped. This is one of the most reverse-chauvinistic things, I can't even...It's sexist on a level I've never known before. Anyway, onward!


Confusion.
Myself is lost, she says.
I'm not this.
I'm more than for fucking.
I'm Diana, I'm 21,
this is my first porno
I'm looking for love
but since I can't find it,
I'll settle for sex
and the thought that after it
I'll be stoned out of my mind
and forget about this guy
shoving a cock down my throat
and taking pictures of my tits;
soon you'll see, I'll be a lawyer
and a doctor and the president
and the prime minister
and a governor
and a secretary.
I'll be it all.

What?! Writing, I'll start there first, "Myself is lost." Unless she is a small green Jedi, people don't speak or think like this. "I am lost" works just fine, albeit a little blunt. Futurama said it best in that, you don't just go around stating how your characters feel. It's really, really pathetically lazy and just poor. "I am lost." Woooo, that was three words describing one of the most painful, fearful things humans can experience. You've certainly done an incredible job at capturing the emotion of this character through those three words. People have written ****ing books on the subject matter, and all you can muster up is three words? It's gross to think someone is that lazy creatively. You could go on about the physical descriptions of how a lonely and lost woman looks during sex, you could go on about her emotional state of mind during the actual act, how the mind wanders in and out of cognitive thought, trying not to focus on what's happening. No, you don't do anything like that, you just wrote, "Myself is lost."

Everything else is just as bad, I don't even feel like going onwards about how lazy the writing is, because it is, and it's highly upsetting, that a high concept piece like this has been bubbled down to awful, generic writing. There is no voice, style, interesting descriptions, no emotion. Nothing. This has the lyrical and technical depth of a sub-par children's book.

So onto the thematic importance of everything you've put here. Lets boil this down to a flow chart:

Diane, 21 says no -----> Stars in first porno -----> Gets "stoned out of mind" -----> Becomes dual President/Doctor hybrid thus taking over the world.

Seriously man, what the hell? What are you even saying? All women are lonely, moody, and highly dependent creatures and left to their own lonely devices **** on screen after getting blazed? You feel sorry for porn stars? What's to feel sorry about? The idea of pornography has been going on since the beginning of the most primitive of cultures. In Rome back when it was awesome, some girl was always getting railroaded by 15 guys at a time, no one cared. They had stadium sized orgies [citation needed] and from what I gathered, everyone loved it. Who am I even supposed to feel sorry for? She sounds like a dolt. "Can't find love, the only option left is to get stoned and star in a porn." Yeah that's the natural conclusion everyone comes to whenever they get lonely. All girls are just one breakup away from starring in Backdoor Sluts 9. How can you be so naive and immature to assume this? It's again offensive to everyone's intelligence that you could even assume this a natural course of action. People that end up doing this out of an emotional impetuous are typically mentally unstable, just looking for some extra cash, or just really stupid. There is nothing to feel sorry for.

Allowing yourself to be exploited at an age when you are a rational human being deserves absolutely no sympathy from anyone, because that person is making a conscious decision. So finally the last part....


but for now,
I just need to fuck to get high
I just need to fuck until you lose faith in humanity.

I hate to inform you but to have sex, and then lose faith in humanity, that is just a telling sign that it was some gnarly sex. Seriously man, grow up.

I want to re-do that flow chart just for emphasis.

Diane, 21 says No! ------> Ends up doing porn/drugs anyway because "Herself is lost." -----> Presumptuously assumes that the next thing on her list to become The President ------> Also ends up losing faith in humanity.

Your character is very flawed, but not in the way of a Travis Bickle sense, but in the "Scooby-Dum" sense.



www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Sep 3, 2009,
#18
Dude every time you write from the perspective of people being exploited or marginalized it's like you don't even make an effort to disengage your own moralizing voice and it just shoots the whole conceit to hell from the beginning. No one's saying you have to be what you write, but it takes so much empathy to write from the perspective of a young girl in the throes of having her body exploited that you just don't seem to have, and when it has this icky patriarchal and borderline misogynistic moralizing tenor that's when it starts to offend. It doesn't matter that the scenario you've written actually arises in reality, and it really doesn't matter that you've taken pains to portray the girl as the victim--in fact that makes it worse, because without the necessary empathy, ie with your male voice barely hidden behind the words, it's extremely patronizing to present her that way.

I'm pretty sure you had the Roman goddess in mind when you named her but you didn't follow that inspiration down any interesting paths in regards to childbearing/motherhood or femininity in general. And I don't think that you successfully could until you show that you have the empathy to write from a perspective other than one that is close to your own. Which, by the way, I thought you did really well in "She Used To Like Weezer"! I don't have a grudge against you Zach, but this is objectively offensive and I just can't let it slide.

EDIT: Your title is blatant moralizing and it doesn't even pretend to be from a perspective that isn't your own.
Last edited by *Truly Ninja* at Sep 3, 2009,
#19
Quote by ZanasCross
c4c. I swear I'll get to them from this piece and my last. Writing is happening much faster than critiquing due to limited time.



And she screamed.
No. I'm not doing this.
Frantic hands
quivering lips
liquid eyes.
No, I'm not doing this.
Her eyes began to burn;
from innocent brown to
dead.
Golden locks became forest fires of shame,
and she felt it in her toes;
whore.
I like the first two lines; they catch the attention, and the next three after do a nice job of adding to it. Most of the rest of the stanza feels unneccisary; I think it might need a little rewriting. Still, I have odd tastes, so maybe you should't listen to me.

Confusion.
Myself is lost, she says.
I'm not this.
I'm more than for fucking.
I'm Diana, I'm 21,
this is my first porno
I'm looking for love
but since I can't find it,
I'll settle for sex
and the thought that after it
I'll be stoned out of my mind
and forget about this guy
shoving a cock down my throat
and taking pictures of my tits;
soon you'll see, I'll be a lawyer
and a doctor and the president
and the prime minister
and a governor
and a secretary.
I'll be it all.
Interesting; the part about not being able to find love and settling for sex seems a little cliche, but I still like it. The rest is so-so, although I'd say keep the little description at the beginning of the stanza for sure.

but for now,
I just need to fuck to get high
I just need to fuck until you lose faith in humanity.
The part about getting high doesn't really work for me, but the second line I really like.
Interesting, but needs some work; touch-ups more, really, seeing as it is pretty good as is.
By the way, was one of the videos that inspired this the video of Sasha Gray on the Tyra Banks Show? Just wondering.
C4C?
Last edited by herby190 at Sep 3, 2009,
#20
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
Dude every time you write from the perspective of people being exploited or marginalized it's like you don't even make an effort to disengage your own moralizing voice and it just shoots the whole conceit to hell from the beginning. No one's saying you have to be what you write, but it takes so much empathy to write from the perspective of a young girl in the throes of having her body exploited that you just don't seem to have, and when it has this icky patriarchal and borderline misogynistic moralizing tenor that's when it starts to offend. It doesn't matter that the scenario you've written actually arises in reality, and it really doesn't matter that you've taken pains to portray the girl as the victim--in fact that makes it worse, because without the necessary empathy, ie with your male voice barely hidden behind the words, it's extremely patronizing to present her that way.

I'm pretty sure you had the Roman goddess in mind when you named her but you didn't follow that inspiration down any interesting paths in regards to childbearing/motherhood or femininity in general. And I don't think that you successfully could until you show that you have the empathy to write from a perspective other than one that is close to your own. Which, by the way, I thought you did really well in "She Used To Like Weezer"! I don't have a grudge against you Zach, but this is objectively offensive and I just can't let it slide.

EDIT: Your title is blatant moralizing and it doesn't even pretend to be from a perspective that isn't your own.


These are my thoughts on 95% of what you write and the exact reason why I can't even pretend to like your pieces.
#21
'You feel sorry for porn stars? What's to feel sorry about? The idea of pornography has been going on since the beginning of the most primitive of cultures. In Rome back when it was awesome, some girl was always getting railroaded by 15 guys at a time, no one cared. They had stadium sized orgies [citation needed] and from what I gathered, everyone loved it. Who am I even supposed to feel sorry for? She sounds like a dolt. "Can't find love, the only option left is to get stoned and star in a porn." Yeah that's the natural conclusion everyone comes to whenever they get lonely. All girls are just one breakup away from starring in Backdoor Sluts 9. How can you be so naive and immature to assume this? It's again offensive to everyone's intelligence that you could even assume this a natural course of action. People that end up doing this out of an emotional impetuous are typically mentally unstable, just looking for some extra cash, or just really stupid. There is nothing to feel sorry for.

Allowing yourself to be exploited at an age when you are a rational human being deserves absolutely no sympathy from anyone, because that person is making a conscious decision. So finally the last part....'

I have to defend the poem in this area where you are being naive. If you have human sympathy, deciding that it doesn't go as far as those who've made 'conscious decisions' (because you've clearly thought this out and examined the situation carefully and don't just like to have a good rant') is simply bizarre.

A pointless analogy with roman orgies that clearly says nothing worthwhile about pornography and a childish look at choice and mental health is no better than anything you can see in this poem.

I can see reasons to attack this poem, some of yours seem wrong. I don't quite get the character of the poem but it's worthwhile remembering a certain basis in fact when discussing and not dismissing in waves of moral indignation.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish