#1
"You're living in a time of extremism, a time of revolution, a time when there's got to be a change. People in power have misused it, and there's got to be a change; and a better world has to be built and the only way it's going to be built is with extreme methods. And I, for one, will join in with anyone, don't care what color you are, as long as you want to change this miserable condition that exists on this earth. Thank you."

-----------

sprouting crooked and bent,
stand family trees in the deltas of sweat.
and in silhouettes and shadows,
with borrowed hearts,
the children frolic.
because in the hollow barks,
great-great-grandpa is at the controls,
slashing the backs of their minds with vines,
and smacking 'em with massive branches.
he lifts roots out of the ground
to trip them. and when they fall down,
they realize the world isn't as complicated as it sounds,
that it's just as black and white
as the panthers and ghosts
dangling like pinatas from the gallow posts
in their backyards.
and they crack 'em hard with history books,
they pick and choose
from uncovered mysteries shook loose.


have you tasted the candy,
the dirt-laden candy that has been laid at your feet?
in several generations,
are you ready for the story to be retold?
are you ready for the controls?

because surely you know
ideas are just wayward farmers,
knowing that man,
just like land,
is fertile.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Sep 2, 2009,
#2
"You're living in a time of extremism, a time of revolution, a time when there's got to be a change. People in power have misused it, and there's got to be a change; and a better world has to be built and the only way it's going to be built is with extreme methods. And I, for one, will join in with anyone, don't care what color you are, as long as you want to change this miserable condition that exists on this earth. Thank you."

Amazing start to the piece, it's almost unfair how well you set the vibe.
-----------

sprouting crooked and bent,
family trees are resurrected in the deltas of sweat.
and in the silhouettes and shadows,
Absolutely beautiful.
the children frolic and play with borrowed hearts
because in the hollow barks,
great-great-grandpa is at the controls,
slashing the back of their minds with vines,
and knocking 'em backwards
with the abrasive branches.
The imagery is amazing, and you're keeping the metaphor very nicely.
he lifts the roots out of the ground
to trip them. and when they fall down,
they realize the world isn't as complicated as it sounds,
that it's just as black and white
as the panthers and ghosts
dangling from the gallow posts in their backyards.
they use history books to beat 'em like pinatas
until what they want
falls out.
Flawless, I'm loving it so far.
have you tasted the candy,
the dirt-laden candy that has been laid at your feet?
in several generations,
are you ready for the story to be retold?
are you ready for the controls?
Woah.
because surely you know
ideas are just wayward farmers,
knowing that man,
just like land,
is fertile.
Amazing ending to an amazing piece.


This is one of my favorite pieces you have ever written. Absolutely fantastic, from start to finish. It was truly a pleasure to read this.

Link is in my sig, if you care to check out my piece.
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Last edited by Wulphy at Sep 2, 2009,
#3
Exquisite. I can see this in an atmospheric, experimental post-rock piece.

In my world, the color RED doesn't exist.

The system has encountered a fatal error [1809]: 'YourOpinion' var has no set value.
#4
thanks y'all. I appreciate the kind words. And Wulphy, I'll get to yours as soon as I can.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
Quote by SubwayToVenus
"You're living in a time of extremism, a time of revolution, a time when there's got to be a change. Don't repeat "There's got to be a change" when you've just said it in the SAME SENTENCE. People in power have misused it, and there's got to be a change Again? Also, I would end the sentence here and cut it into two seperate setences.; and a better world has to be built and the only way it's going to be built is with extreme methods. And I, for one, will join in with anyone, don't care what color you are, as long as you want to change this miserable condition I would use a different word, maybe situation? that exists on this earth. Thank you."

-----------

sprouting crooked and bent,
family trees are resurrected in the deltas of sweat.
and in the silhouettes and shadows,
the children frolic and play with borrowed hearts
because in the hollow barks,
great-great-grandpa is at the controls,
slashing the back of their minds with vines,
and knocking 'em backwards
with the abrasive branches.
he lifts the roots out of the ground
to trip them. and when they fall down,
they realize the world isn't as complicated as it sounds,

Up to here is fantastic. But then some of your imagery goes a little crazy.

that it's just as black and white
as the panthers and ghosts
dangling from the gallow posts in their backyards. - So now I'm picturing a panther and a ghost being hanged in someones backyard. Why the hell would you hang a panther and a ghost?
they use history books to beat 'em like pinatas - Okay. And now people are hitting them with books.
until what they want
falls out.

You can see how ridiculous this sounds. Don't get me wrong, it's a great idea and it's very clever, but it just puts a very silly picture in my head when I picture a panther and a ghost being hung and hit with history books. And stuff falling out.


have you tasted the candy,
the dirt-laden candy that has been laid at your feet?
in several generations,
are you ready for the story to be retold?
are you ready for the controls?
Personally, I don't like when people ask questions in poetry. But whatever floats your boat. You pulled it off decently enough so it wasn't annoying.
because surely you know
ideas are just wayward farmers,
knowing that man,
just like land,
is fertile. - Made me think of a pregnant man.



There is some very strange word choice, especially in the little paragraph in the beginning. Also, there's the issue of that imagery. It just seemed to be a bit ridiculous to me. The first little part before that dumb metaphor is fantastic, though, If it had continued like that through the entire piece, it would have been awesome. I'm out of time, so this is a shortened summary. But there's not much else to add anyway.

If you want, there's a(the top one)link in my sig.


Great work.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#6
Okay, I guess I need to do some explaining. The quote above is by Malcolm X and I wanted to use it to more or less prime the reader for what the proceeding poem would be about so that I could be a little more implicit. The panthers and ghosts are references to two radical factions in recent history who would spread violence, terror, and racial superiority: the Black Panthers and the Ku Klux Klan. I'll just leave it at that for now. It may be a ludicrous image but I wanted to make it stand out so that maybe those who read it would contemplate it.

And I'm sorry if the last line made you think of a pregnant man. I can guarantee you that wasn't my intention

Thanks for the crit though. I'll get to yours as soon as I can.
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
this is sweet man...superb imagery and wording

Pretty epic

"ideas are just wayward farmers"...brilliant

Kinda reminds me a bit of like Blake or sumfin

keep it up

x
#8
Quote by SubwayToVenus
Okay, I guess I need to do some explaining. The quote above is by Malcolm X and I wanted to use it to more or less prime the reader for what the proceeding poem would be about so that I could be a little more implicit. The panthers and ghosts are references to two radical factions in recent history who would spread violence, terror, and racial superiority: the Black Panthers and the Ku Klux Klan. I'll just leave it at that for now. It may be a ludicrous image but I wanted to make it stand out so that maybe those who read it would contemplate it.

And I'm sorry if the last line made you think of a pregnant man. I can guarantee you that wasn't my intention

Thanks for the crit though. I'll get to yours as soon as I can.



Ah. Well I guess that invalidates my entire crit.

You should probably put a "-Malcolm X" after it, though.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#9
to avoid that confusing imagery with the panthers and ghosts, it might be an idea to capitalize them. i realize you haven't used any other capital letters, but when you're referring to something like that (depending on how clear you want the reference to be) it might help. at least for use on this forum, where most people won't dig that deeply.

if you were to publish this eventually, you could probably get away with it.

i thoroughly enjoyed some of the lines here (first 4 or so were my favourite), i just don't want your point to get lost in extensive imagery and metaphor. it was gorgeous language though.
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#10
I'll not comment on the quote - suffice to stay it sets the mood for the poem well.


sprouting crooked and bent,
family trees are resurrected in the deltas of sweat.
and in the silhouettes and shadows,
the children frolic and play with borrowed hearts
because in the hollow barks,
great-great-grandpa is at the controls,
slashing the back of their minds with vines,
and knocking 'em backwards
with the abrasive branches.

I really like the imagery in this section, particularly the rhyming of 'hearts' and 'barks' - nice and subtle.
I'd suggest maybe changing 'back of their minds' to 'backs of their minds'.
Also, I think there are a couple of unneccesary 'the's in the poem in general ("the abrasive branches" and "he lifts the roots") they seem to interrupt the flow of the piece for me and removing them wouldn't affect the sense of the scentences.



he lifts the roots out of the ground
to trip them. and when they fall down,
they realize the world isn't as complicated as it sounds,
that it's just as black and white
as the panthers and ghosts
dangling from the gallow posts in their backyards.
they use history books to beat 'em like pinatas
until what they want
falls out.

Now you've explained the symbols of the 'panthers and ghosts' I aprecciate the metaphor (I did initially take them just to be symbols of black and white, but now the specific reasons you chose them make sense) - it's clever.
I like the symbol of the history books too.
Nothing at all I can find wrong with this section (aside from "the roots").


have you tasted the candy,
the dirt-laden candy that has been laid at your feet?
in several generations,
are you ready for the story to be retold?
are you ready for the controls?

because surely you know
ideas are just wayward farmers,
knowing that man,
just like land,
is fertile.

I like this ending alot, it's powerful.
I think the word 'several' affects the rhythm a little - kind of throws it off - but I don't really see anything you can do about that.


Overall, a very well written piece that I really enjoyed reading.
Keep up the good work!

Crit Question.?
It's in my sig.
#11
I'm usually not much for this sort of critique, but you've really got something here, it just needs a bit of polishing. A few suggestions, but please feel free to ignore them:


"You're living in a time of extremism, a time of revolution, a time when there's got to be a change. People in power have misused it, and there's got to be a change; and a better world has to be built and the only way it's going to be built is with extreme methods. And I, for one, will join in with anyone, don't care what color you are, as long as you want to change this miserable condition that exists on this earth. Thank you."

Malcolm X. Nice. Not the most eloquent cat in the world, but he was pretty effective.


sprouting crooked and bent,
family trees are resurrected in the deltas of sweat.
and in the silhouettes and shadows,
the children frolic and play with borrowed hearts
because in the hollow barks,
great-great-grandpa is at the controls,
slashing the back of their minds with vines,
and knocking 'em backwards
with the abrasive branches.
he lifts the roots out of the ground
to trip them. and when they fall down,
they realize the world isn't as complicated as it sounds,
that it's just as black and white
as the panthers and ghosts
dangling from the gallow posts in their backyards.
they use history books to beat 'em like pinatas
until what they want
falls out.

You've developed a really simple internal rhyme scheme, which works when it works, but here it's quite sloppy in parts: your syllables between 'resurrected' and 'sweat' are not only vastly differing from the last one - which can be okay - but the sounds are too awkward. You said something I could grasp onto the first time, but 'in the of' tells me nothing, and I no longer care about the deltas or the sweat. The delta image is really good though, and I picked up on it immediately thinking of family trees, but it needs to be more meaningfully applied here. What is the purpose of a delta? What is the cause and effect of a metaphorical (or not!) family tree? Use this to your advantage, but don't over-complicate it.

Same thing goes with the borrowed hearts/hollow bark. Great lines, but fill it with something that is not filler. There is substance here, but you're not really delivering it to me. minds with vines, what sort of vines? what kind of tree is this? Weeping willows don't look like deltas - which is sooo not the point, but that doesn't matter either. I feel like this wants to be hip hop, or at least hip hop along, but I'm hiccuping and I can't stop.

The alliteration you're applying is great. Keeping up with metaphors, I've seen the rivers rise with the tide of familiar folklore, and from the corner of the room I know those ghosts will keep the world as white as I've seen it in the summer light. I love the gallow posts line, and I'm skateboarding across fine and clean cement to the last line, which is a pebble, but it stops the deck and I go flying over it. Why must the flow stop?


have you tasted the candy,
the dirt-laden candy that has been laid at your feet?
in several generations,
are you ready for the story to be retold?
are you ready for the controls?

I get the candy line, but it doesn't really tell me anything, probably because I'm still stumbling over what came out of the piñata, which wasn't really what I wanted, but nevertheless. This is your turn to control.

The future tense your leaping for here is kind of jumbled - in several generations, are you - you're mixing the future with now - in several hours, are you ready for pancakes? - see? It doesn't really help. Keep the repetition of are you ready if you like, but this is more drastic than that, my friend, so let's have some dramatic impact - the entire concept of growing up is based on the fact that it's coming, whether we're ready or not, so it's sort of a frivolous question, isn't it?


because surely you know
ideas are just wayward farmers,
knowing that man,
just like land,
is fertile.

This, I like. If someone gathers from this that males are somehow bearers of children, political correctness has done it's job of confusing the masses, replacing judgment with blind fear of offending someone. But that, again, is sooo not the point. You've summed this up well, here.

Whether it's just a disagreement in style - you'll have yours and I can have mine, for example - I don't know. But I see something really, really good in this - it's just that the main tools you're using to tell the story, to get your point across seem a little amateur (and I hate using that word, but still) and ill-refined. But despite the fact that I butchered this, I still really like it and I see a lot of potential in the style. Keep it up.
#12
^thank you so much for the crit. you gave a lot of great advice that I'm definitely going to more than consider when I go back and edit it. I think 'ill-refined' was a great way of describing it 'cause I feel the same way about it. There were a lot of ideas floating around and I got down the gist of what I wanted, now I just need to go back and tighten the loose ends. Thanks for pointing out some of those loose ends for me.

and i promise to get back to everyone as soon as i can.
here, My Dear, here it is