#1
I wrote this late at night, when I was feeling sleepy. I'm not sure about some of the enjambment. Feel free to be ruthless.
I will C4C.

How many times must we ask the
questions that we ask each other,
seldom pausing, always pressing, waiting
'till it's our turn to speak again, just like
always - you know the kind I mean: just
used to break the silence, never meaning
anything, never really wanting an answer,
never even listening for a reply -
if such a thing does come
no merit is reserved to give away,
no time either, a commodity too precious
to expend needlessly - perhaps at all.
Anyway - you were saying?
Last edited by stjimmee at Sep 3, 2009,
#2
I found this good for an OTS. But that's all it was. Just good. I read it and liked it, but I didn't really get into it. Maybe it's just the mood I'm in right now. I didn't like the repetition of "How many times", you can just take out that line altogether and it would make the piece fifty times better. On both times when you would digress and go off on something else with the -'s, it broke up the piece too much and made it move too slow, especially for something this short.

Overall, good job.

If you want to do the top link in my sig, that would be great.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Quote by stjimmee
I wrote this late at night, when I was feeling sleepy. I'm not sure about some of the enjambment. Feel free to be ruthless.
I will C4C.

How many times,
how many times must we ask the
I don't like the repetition here.
questions that we ask each other,
seldom pausing, always pressing, waiting
'till it's our turn to speak again, just like
always - you know the kind I mean: just
used to break the silence, never meaning
anything, never really wanting an answer,
I love this part.
never even listening for a reply -
if such a thing does come
no merit is reserved to give away,
no time either, a commodity too precious
to expend needlessly - perhaps at all.
Anyway - you were saying?
Awesome ending, man.


Thanks for the crit, man

I enjoyed this piece, I love how relate able it is.
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I stick stuff in my pee hole.

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#4
Thanks guys, I've changed that first line.
Now I come to think of it, I'm not sure why I had it repeated...
I think it might have been the original title and I just copied it out of my notebook.

@ Ganoosh, I've stickied your piece, so I'll get around to it soon - I'm just leaving the house at the moment.

Thanks again for the crits!
#5
I found the entire poem very clever and, if nothing else, very ironic. I love reading refreshing poems like these where there's a twist at the end and irony just smacks you in the face.

Unfortunately and fortunately at the same time, there's nothing I can really see changing here (and believe me, I've looked ). It all comes together in a neat package and is handed to the reader. The only thing I could suggest would be to edit some places where the flow trips up. For example, using 'ask' twice in the first two lines seems kind of unavoidable but if there were another word that you could use there, I would say to use it. Also, a line like "no merit is reserved to give away", in my opinion, is too complex semantically to be in a poem that is beautifully simple.

Other than that, I really enjoyed this.
here, My Dear, here it is