#1
This is a song I wrote by taking all of my random spurts of inspiration and putting them together, I have yet to figure out what it's about, but I'll definitely make some changes when I do, but this is what I have so far.

Please critique well.


"I'd show a hypocrite a liar
But the truth is seen by all
I'd show you how to fly higher
But the sand drops through too fast.

All it takes is a few more tries
Feel the wind beneath you now
Spread your wings, but don't ask why
Secrets must never be spoken aloud

Realizations courtesy of your stench
Pick a side, quit straddling the fence
The hourglass turns upside down
And my world starts again."
#2
I liked this. I didn't love it, but it was good. I don't have many real critiques. You are NOT a bad writer. Write more and more and try to emulate yourself rather than favorite bands. Then you'll improve.

That said, I didn't like the flow of the last verse. It was off.
#3
Quote by Blueslushee
This is a song I wrote by taking all of my random spurts of inspiration and putting them together, I have yet to figure out what it's about, but I'll definitely make some changes when I do, but this is what I have so far.

Please critique well.


"I'd show a hypocrite a liar
But the truth is seen by all
I'd show you how to fly higher
But the sand drops through too fast.

I really like this stanza, mostly the first two lines.

All it takes is a few more tries
Feel the wind beneath you now
Spread your wings, but don't ask why
Secrets must never be spoken aloud

I think the "spread your wings" thing is really overused and cliche, but I see what you were going for.

Realizations courtesy of your stench
Pick a side, quit straddling the fence
The hourglass turns upside down
And my world starts again."

Great ending man, very good.


It was a good read, but I have to go with mamosa on this one.

C4C? In my sig.
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

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