#1
leaving
and i am hurrying up the stairs
to the S-Bahn platform, two steps
at a time, above the staircase
a black sky and the top
of the ticket machine
and the platform is empty;
i am alone

i have three nights left in Berlin
monday i fly home to new york
the monday after, las vegas, then back home
then Paris, then university, i am
thankful, i know i've been fortunate but
the cool quiet air surrounds me now,
my heart pounding against my rib cage
now not so hard, not so fast
i am walking down the platform
there is a girl, quietly standing
and staring and the sky and the schedule
says the train will be here in 18 minutes


i am in Las Vegas at some seafood restaurant
with a wall of wines in the MGM Grand,
there's a Romanian couple on their honeymoon
at the next table, and i'm thinking of you now
and wondering if you'd ever follow your fellow
countrymen's rather tasteless example


i'm hung over
but i grab a BBQ burger and fries
from an airport restaurant straight
out of Mad Men, same music and nickel-only
gumball machine, then to the gate and boarding
and i'm in 13B

there's a pretty girl in 13A
sleeping with her head against the window,
her deep brown hair resting gently on the shade
a man in his 50s in 13C, sleeping with his legs
taking up the leg space and his arms, the armspace,
as we take off he dons his yarmulke and reads
from a page in Hebrew that looked like it'd been torn out
of the Oldest Testament, 1st edition,
there are rapid camera flashes from across the aisle
a pale, blonde baby girl on the lap of a tattooed black woman
in 13E, the mother in F, her back against
the wall and eye on the viewfinder--
it is beautiful, the shade only half drawn,
the glow of the sunlight on her face and skin and blue eyes
and smile, but the window is closed now and she's taking
her baby back into her arms and i still can't sleep
but i'm not sick to my stomach anymore,
i'll land in New York in two hours,
home
#2
your writing is gorgeous. but please get rid of the first 'and'. i love poems about trains. i find it funny that this is about trains and mentions romania and both of the pieces in my sig are about those things. this is all over the place but it all works but that first 'and'.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
Quote by DigUpHerBones
your writing is gorgeous. but please get rid of the first 'and'. i love poems about trains. i find it funny that this is about trains and mentions romania and both of the pieces in my sig are about those things. this is all over the place but it all works but that first 'and'.


ditto


I found the frequent dropping of proper nouns such as "S-Bahn", "Berlin", and "MGM Grand", and the specific directions ("31A", "F") gives exactly the feel of riding in a moving platform and having a multitude of signs pass go by.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#5
The great thing about this piece is that it puts us in your place, as if you're describing everything in ordinary life that you find beautiful. Some line breaks are odd, but that would be just a useless nitpick. One thing I would advice you is to put a period here and there. It would let the reader breathe for a while and not feel entangled in the mixture of images you portray. It was a great read, I could almost thank you for showing beauty in commonality. Well, I'm repeating myself... Good piece
#6
i agree about the breathing space for the reader but i cant figure anything out yet-- i thought the breaks were enough.
#9
yeah you just have a beautiful style when you write. It's such a pleasure to read.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#10
"in 13E, the mother in F, her back against
the wall and eye on the viewfinder--
it is beautiful, the shade only half drawn,
the glow of the sunlight on her face and skin and blue eyes
and smile, but the window is closed now and she's taking
her baby back into her arms and i still can't sleep
but i'm not sick to my stomach anymore,
i'll land in New York in two hours,
home"

- You could of built the ending to such a climax, but you simply reverted back to clichéd ways of conclusion.
If you had continued to progress the idea of the terminal ports containing varying degrees of humanity - stress and calm - it could of pinnacled perfectly. One line has one example, then a line without. Followed by a line with one, with the next line having two. Then the next line has three. Then four. Then five... then end it.
To me, you've not necessarily wasted anything in the derogatory sense - the piece was still enjoyable - but I felt you missed out on this being brilliant.
As Laces mentioned, the 13B, etc. develops and builds a lot of tension - and it portrays travelling for the chaotic, but joyous occasion that is can be - but as I said, it really just ended without going anywhere. You say you're going home, but the piece didn't really follow.
In one sense, it's cool, because it's like you're leaving a part of yourself in the airport, but in another, it makes for slightly unimportant writing.