#1
Hey, i am new to the S&L forum, and this is also my first thing written ever, i call it a thing because i really don´t know if it are lyrics, a short story or a poem. Ofcourse i will critique other peoples work aswell.


Maybe life is not so bad.
If you appreciated everything you had.
To go is a one way trip.
You wanted to share with your friends.


Green flocks flying in the air
Running trough the wind
Kindred spirits lead the way
Rollercoaster crashing forward.

Seeing the earth down below.
The journey to the afterlife.
Wicked sensation brings it forth.
Instrumental sounds. Ringing from red mages.

Just as bad as it may seem
The purity compares to a dream
Letting darkened thoughts pass you by

Gliding down the river of life
Into the dead sea.
Hold onto the rope. No not me
Please hold onto that rope.
Or go down. In the sea

Dancing skeletons digging in the grave
Bringing forth the deadly wave
Seeing them smile makes me laugh
So pure to hear. Even for the deaf.
Oh so pure to hear for the deaf.

Scary demons gladly join along
Drifting to the sea.
Playing games with the leaf.
Nothing gets stolen, even by the thief.

Just as bad as it may seem
The purity compares to a dream
Letting darkened thoughts pass you by

Waterfall going down.
Ending with the silver love.
Nothing to be afraid of
Flowing with the mighty stream

Stars are burning
The afterliving get along
Making friends forever
For only once they come.


It is not completely finished, it needs some work, i hope you guys/girls will be able to say what is wrong with this and what could be better!

(Beware! English is not my nature language)
Quote by Holy Katana
Your last job only paid you $7.00 AUD an hour? That's like $6.05 in the US. What the hell is the minimum wage over there?


Quote by titsmcgee852
$0 for volunteer work

ollollolollol


^
#2
Quote by Henkdemachtige
Hey, i am new to the S&L forum, and this is also my first thing written ever, i call it a thing because i really don´t know if it are lyrics, a short story or a poem. Ofcourse i will critique other peoples work aswell.
welcome to S&L

Maybe life is not so bad.
If you appreciated everything you had.
your tenses are wrong. it'd have to be 'maybe life wouldn't be so bad if you appreciated everything you had
To go is a one way trip.
this doesn't make much sense; 'this is a one way trip' or a more original way of saying that would
You wanted to share with your friends.
I think I'd prefer this if it wasn't so choppy because of the full stops. The ideas are all linked, let them be


Green flocks flying in the air
I can't figure out why they're green, even reading the rest of this. If you make this image more normal, maybe just saying 'flocks' and no colour, or an obvious description, the rest of the imagery would be stronger
Running trough the wind
sp. through
Kindred spirits lead the way
I don't like the word 'kindred' here
Rollercoaster crashing forward.

Seeing the earth down below.
The journey to the afterlife.
Wicked sensation brings it forth.
Instrumental sounds. Ringing from red mages.
I don't know why 'ringing' sounds would be coming from 'red mages' or why these mages would be red.

Just as bad as it may seem
The purity compares to a dream
I like the idea of this line a lot, but the phrasing is very plain. Because this is fiction, saying that something in it 'compares' to a dream weakens it
Letting darkened thoughts pass you by

Gliding down the river of life
Into the dead sea.
Hold onto the rope. No not me
comma after 'no', full stop at the end of the line
Please hold onto that rope.
Or go down. In the sea

Dancing skeletons digging in the grave
maybe get rid of 'in'?
Bringing forth the deadly wave
Seeing them smile makes me laugh
So pure to hear. Even for the deaf.
Oh so pure to hear for the deaf.
I have no idea why you're suddenly talking about deafness

Scary demons gladly join along
'scary' and 'gladly' are very weak words to use here
Drifting to the sea.
Playing games with the leaf.
Nothing gets stolen, even by the thief.
what leaf? what thief? why would anything be stolen? this is starting to make no sense at all. it gets lost here.

Just as bad as it may seem
The purity compares to a dream
Letting darkened thoughts pass you by

Waterfall going down.
Ending with the silver love.
what is 'silver love'? take a whole verse and expand on one idea. you're skipping between ideas and some of them aren't explained enough to make any sense
Nothing to be afraid of
Flowing with the mighty stream

Stars are burning
The afterliving get along
Making friends forever
For only once they come.


It'd be nice if you made there be some more obvious progression of the idea, and made what this is about more obvious. Then you can twist the images in about that idea. It's good, though Needs some work, as you said. I don't like the bolding, either. Let the words speak for themselves. Welcome to S&L. If you want to crit one of mine, I'd love a word on 'Romania in Sepia' in my sig.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
Quote by DigUpHerBones
It'd be nice if you made there be some more obvious progression of the idea, and made what this is about more obvious. Then you can twist the images in about that idea. It's good, though Needs some work, as you said. I don't like the bolding, either. Let the words speak for themselves. Welcome to S&L. If you want to crit one of mine, I'd love a word on 'Romania in Sepia' in my sig.


Thanks for critting my text. But also i wrote this text with a very vague idea and just typed what came in my head, maybe its not the best way of writing something but i found it quite fun, and yes i will crit yours.
Quote by Holy Katana
Your last job only paid you $7.00 AUD an hour? That's like $6.05 in the US. What the hell is the minimum wage over there?


Quote by titsmcgee852
$0 for volunteer work

ollollolollol


^