#1
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Romance in the Stone Age

Slicking back his hair,
He neatly beats a boar
In readiness for tonight

Anticipation
Pressure
All but forgotten
As he butchers his kill
With his large paws

Long black hair
Matted with dirt and grease
Gazed upon in a puddle
Of perfect prescience
Muscular body
A masculine presence
Awash with blood
In readiness for tonight

Tonight comes
Slowly but all of a sudden

He furnishes the food
She merely brings her presence
But the honor is all his
#2
Romance in the Stone Age

Slicking back his hair,
He neatly beats a boar
In readiness for tonight
Sets the mood well. The word choices are fairly average, but it works here.

Anticipation
Pressure
All but forgotten
As he butchers his kill
With his large paws
Another nice stanza. The only thing i hate about this is the word "large". It seems too simple. Maybe it's just me.

Long black hair
Matted with dirt and grease
Gazed upon in a puddle
Of perfect prescience
Muscular body
A masculine presence
Awash with blood
In readiness for tonight
This is my favorite stanza so far. Very descriptive and it gives off an intimidating vibe.

Tonight comes
Slowly but all of a sudden
I like the contradiction here. But "all of a sudden" just seems so bland compared to your usual work. I like "so suddenly" better. Again, more opinion than anything.

He furnishes the food
She merely brings her presence
But the honor is all his
Nice ending. It brings this piece to a close quite well.


Overall, I really enjoyed it. But, somehow, it doesn't feel up to par with your other work I've read. Given that your other pieces were amazing, this is still a great piece.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Sep 6, 2009,
#3
Quote by mamosa
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I like the concept of a romance in the stone age, there's something nostalgic about it.


Romance in the Stone Age

Slicking back his hair,
He neatly beats a boar
In readiness for tonight

I thought the "slicking back his hair" part was odd, I thought stone-age people didn't bother much with hair. But there's a charming quality to it, it's like a modern man projecting current mannerisms into past historical periods.

neatly beating a boar....man THAT is such an awesome image. Normally I would think of beating a boar as a very messy affair. It gives a sense of precision and expertise, as well as the extra carefulness and effort on the part of this character. Also, I liked how you opened with action right away.

I thought "readiness" is a weird word here. maybe it's just me, as I have never heard of that word before (but it IS a word, apparently).

this intro interested me already.



Anticipation I'm not too fond of these lines. They're basically just two words on top of each other acting just as words, with no part on the author to "give life" to them by using them in a phrase.
Pressure
All but forgotten
As he butchers his kill
With his large paws

Long black hair
Matted with dirt and grease
Gazed upon in a puddle
Of perfect prescience
Muscular body
A masculine presence
Awash with blood
In readiness for tonight


Tonight comes
Slowly but all of a sudden

He furnishes the food
She merely brings her presence
But the honor is all his

I like how the last line gives a glimpse at the sort of male-dominated ethos that was likely at that time.


I liked the concept of this poem.

"neatly beating boar" will stick in my head for days to come.
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#4
Quote by Laces Out Danny
I liked the concept of this poem.

"neatly beating boar" will stick in my head for days to come.


Ah, but I also tried to project a little bit of current times at the end. With the "she merely brings here presence/but the honor is all his" lines. Was that there?
#5
Albeit it's a simple metaphor, it does work, as you're clearly not afraid to mix style with theme. But it could of been done more thoroughly. It felt like a normal read in general, except with a few sections containing a persona that would remind me of a stoneage fat bloke writing about going out on the town hunting for some.
-"neatly beats a boar"

-"butchers his kill" - in this case, the two contrasted very effectively.

But other than that, it had more of a jitteryness to it; a shyness that didn't entirely suit the metaphor as perfectly as you may of anticipated or desired. But it was cute and honest that you'd portray, even barbarians, as having a timidity towards women - most commonly the object of life.

I thought the middle verse stumbled over itself quite a bit. Maybe suiting the progress of nervounsness, but that isn't clear so I'm just speculating.

Solid read.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Sep 13, 2009,