#1
First things first, I'm pretty much new to writing. I'd like to start a bit more, as I have many songs that I wrote, but lack lyrics. Here's my first attempt at writing:

This glowing ember, one time a great blaze,
Lighting my world, clearing the haze.
This glowing ember, this smoldering sphere,
No longer brings light, no longer brings cheer.

The light is gone, the sky is black,
These days of joy will never come back.
I look for the fire,
That blaze I desire...
And it's gone,
Long gone.

This small green shimmer, this emerald light,
Once banished the dark, freed day from the night.
This small green shimmer, now dimmed in this gloom,
No longer it binds these shadows that loom.

The light is gone, the sky is black,
These days of joy will never come back.
I look for the light,
The aid to my sight...
And it's gone,
Long gone.

This glowing ember, pinched by the wind
Reduced to ashes, no heat left within.
This small green shimmer, too long was exposed
Now lost in the night, the shutter's been closed.

The light is gone, the sky is black,
These days of joy will never come back.
I look for the fire,
That blaze I desire...

The light is gone, the sky is black,
These days of joy will never come back.
I look for the light,
The aid to my sight...
And it's gone,
Long gone.


Yeah, I realize that a lot of these rhymes are a bit forced. I'm still working on that. Thanks for looking at this, crit please...
#2
Quote by Takien
First things first, I'm pretty much new to writing. I'd like to start a bit more, as I have many songs that I wrote, but lack lyrics. Here's my first attempt at writing:

This glowing ember, one time a great blaze,
Lighting my world, clearing the haze.
This glowing ember, this smoldering sphere,
No longer brings light, no longer brings cheer.
Nice word choice, good rhymes, smooth flow. Wouldn't change a thing.

The light is gone, the sky is black,
These days of joy will never come back.
I look for the fire,
That blaze I desire...
And it's gone,
Long gone.
I think you meant "Those days of joy" not "These". Other than that, it's good. And instead of "And it's gone" I think "But it's gone" would make more sense.

This small green shimmer, this emerald light,
Once banished the dark, freed day from the night.
This small green shimmer, now dimmed in this gloom,
No longer it binds these shadows that loom.
Another solid verse. All I would change is instead of "it binds" I'd use "does it bind" simply for the sake of flow.

The light is gone, the sky is black,
These days of joy will never come back.
I look for the light,
The aid to my sight...
And it's gone,
Long gone.
I like that you changed it up a little. Again, instead of "And it's gone" I think "But it's gone" would make more sense.

This glowing ember, pinched by the wind
Reduced to ashes, no heat left within.
This small green shimmer, too long was exposed
Now lost in the night, the shutter's been closed.
A little bit of odd word choice, but good nonetheless.

The light is gone, the sky is black,
These days of joy will never come back.
I look for the fire,
That blaze I desire...

The light is gone, the sky is black,
These days of joy will never come back.
I look for the light,
The aid to my sight...
And it's gone,
Long gone.
I like this ending. Again, "But" instead of "And". And the last line just isn't working for me as a song ending. I'd work on that.

Yeah, I realize that a lot of these rhymes are a bit forced. I'm still working on that. Thanks for looking at this, crit please...


Overall, nice song. It's got a lot of potential; you just need to iron out some of the kinks. And not many of the rhymes really seemed forced to me. It actually seems to flow really well. Good work.


If you want to C4C, please critique my song "Sugarblind". No pressure though.
#3
Hey dude, take a look at the forum rules please, specifically regarding thread titles. I'll fix this one for you since I'm such a gentleman, but check out the rules anyways.

Thanks.

#4
Thanks for the feedback. I'll do the best I can. As I said, I'm new, so I'm not sure my critique will be very helpful.

As for the title of this thread, I apologize. I'll keep it in mind next time. Thanks for fixing it.