#1
OTS


i've sat on this mound of dirt,
intermittedly scattered with patches of grass,
and craned my neck to the sky,
through the unanswered prayers,
starless nights, impenetrable stares,
the planes i thought were stars,
the change i thought was far,
the God i thought was smiling,
the time i was biding to hear a voice chiming
in at the appropriate time to
shine a beam of light into my pupil,
expanding until it swallowed my iris.
i'm reminded that i'm still a pupil, and i'm still the teacher,
and i'm still the janitor cleaning up the mess after i leave here.
i'm the one who puts the dunce cap on,
and i'm the one who takes it off.
i'm the one who raises his hand to show myself how much i've been taught.
i'm the space that resides between the sun of Icarus,
and this mound of Sispyhus,
just an empty sky:
expecting no more than a darkened canvas of thick, black anguish
and no less than the sound of my cries.
here, My Dear, here it is
#2
I'll get to this later. (I promise)

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Quote by SubwayToVenus
OTS


i've sat on this mound of dirt,
intermittedly scattered with patches of grass,
and craned my neck to the sky,
through the unanswered prayers,

The beginning seems a bit weak to me. It feels like you almost rushed through this part to get to the rest of the piece. To me, the scene you seem to be trying to set is far too vague. Decide what you want to do here, and do it emphatically. Right now, it's a bit cliche, especially "unanswered prayers".

starless nights, impenetrable stares,
the planes i thought were stars,

Here's where it really starts to get good. Even though you're still in the same sentence, it seems like there's a change here. The mood of the narrator really is starting to get through. Planes and stars...I've had that thought before.

the change i thought was far,
the God i thought was smiling,
the time i was biding to hear a voice chiming
in at the appropriate time to
shine a beam of light into my pupil,
expanding until it swallowed my iris.

The "...chiming/in at the appropriate time to/shine a beam..." part is pretty awkward. You haven't used enjambment up until there, and I don't think it's a good place to bring it in. I'd suggest rephrasing that part. And was it all one sentence? I guess so, but it seemed to fly all over the place, from idea to idea, thought to thought. But maybe that was your intention.

i'm reminded that i'm still a pupil, and i'm still the teacher,
and i'm still the janitor cleaning up the mess after i leave here.
i'm the one who puts the dunce cap on,
and i'm the one who takes it off.
i'm the one who raises his hand to show myself how much i've been taught.

Interesting change of pace here. Have you thought about breaking the piece up into stanzas? This part seems to be a separate thought from the earlier part. I really like it, though.

i'm the space that resides between the sun of Icarus,
and this mound of Sispyhus,
just an empty sky:
expecting no more than a darkened canvas of thick, black anguish
and no less than the sound of my cries.

Often, I'm of the opinion that references to Greek mythology are pretentious and annoying, but not here. You use them extremely well, in the way that few seem to be able to. I love it. The last three lines, though, are a bit of a letdown after it, though. Overall throughout the piece, you've done a pretty good job of making the rhymes seem natural instead of forced, but rhyming "sky" with "cries"? I would definitely suggest changing that.
Comments in bold.

Overall, I thought it was very good. Am I correct in assuming that this is a poem? At any rate, it's great as it is, but there's a few things I would suggest you think about. For one, consider the line length, breaks, and punctuation, and maybe think about breaking it up into stanzas. Secondly, the very beginning and the very end feel like the weak points, maybe think about starting and ending on stronger notes. Lastly, go over some of the rhymes here and there. For the most part they work well, but occasionally they seem to come at the expense of the piece as a whole.


C4C? Mine's here, if you wouldn't mind.
kill all humans
#4
Thanks a lot for the great crit. I agree with a lot of what you said, especially the "sky-cries" rhyme to end it. It was pretty weak too, in my opinion. Unfortunately, I wrote this on-the-spot so I guess those types of mistakes are bound to happen. I think I'll keep this as an OTS for a little while and then go back and reconfigure it (especially the run-on sentence I had going there ). I'll definitely use your suggestions though when I decide to edit it.


Also, I'm getting to yours as soon as I can.
here, My Dear, here it is