#1
Because my last song, Sugarblind, was so well-received, I've decided to post another new song I wrote. I'm a little anxious because it's much different than Sugarblind, but I hope you guys enjoy it.

Vernal foundlings ill-equipped
For anything but dying; wasting time.
Nothing more than immigrants
In our own country; lost and undefined.

They have littered our thoughts
Into the sea of infinity.
We have dampened our hearts
For the sake of commodity.

Older now, just labored cattle;
Everything around us dead and dry.
Faceless bastards, unaware
That urgency surrounds us; pacified.

They have littered our thoughts
Into the sea of infinity.
We have dampened our hearts
For the sake of commodity.

Callow fools
To have accrued
A pastiche Heaven
To fall into.

Shallow smuts
To have given up
The most brilliant shade
Of blue.

We want to end.
To be dead.
To be asleep.

Okay, I see that some of this is hard to understand without proper punctuation, so I added that in. Hope that makes it easier to read.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Sep 6, 2009,
#6
First off, thanks for the nice things said about my new piece! I always appreciate feedback and always return it.

Quote by Winter Sky
Because my last song, Sugarblind, was so well-received, I've decided to post another new song I wrote. I'm a little anxious because it's much different than Sugarblind, but I hope you guys enjoy it.

Vernal foundlings ill-equipped
For anything but dying wasting time Personally
I would have said "dead" instead of "dying". It just seems to flow better. But keep in mind, I may be completely wrong considering I haven't actually heard the melody.
Nothing more than immigrants
In our own country lost and undefined
Undefined is a good word. I like it here.

They have littered our thoughts
Into the sea of eternity
We have dampened our hearts
For the sake of commodity

Older now just labored cattle
Everything around us dead and dry
Faceless bastards unaware
That urgency surrounds us pacified
I liked this verse. The second line was my favorite. Again, I'm not sure of the melody so I can't really comment on the flow. Which actually seems better in the this verse than the first.

They have littered our thoughts
Into the sea of eternity
We have dampened our hearts
For the sake of commodity
I do like the chorus, but if the melody doesn't fit with it right, if it feels like you need to squeeze the words in, then you might want to simplify it a bit.

Callow fools
To have accrued
A postiche Heaven
To fall into
This is good. Third line is my favorite.

Shallow smuts
To have given up
The most brilliant shade
Of blue
These four lines were my favorites. The last two really stood out to me. It's both descriptive and emotional. Love it.

We want to end
To be dead
To be asleep


Overall I think this is a pretty solid song. I would really love to hear the melody! Also, I really liked your other song "Sugarblind". It was incredibly clever. Lyrically it somewhat reminded my of Bon Iver, as did this.

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY
#7
Thanks so much. I'm amazed at the love my songs are getting; they're the first two I've ever written.

I know that the flow seems really awkward, but this is meant to have really drawn-out vocal melodies. So, the lyrics all fit, it's just not so clear from reading them alone.

Again, thanks for the critique. ^_^


EDIT: By the way, who is Bon Iver? It doesn't ring a bell.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Sep 5, 2009,
#8
oh wow.....awesomness
"I'll have 2 number nines, a number nine large, a number six with extra dip, a number seven, two number forty-fives, one with cheese, and a large soda" ~Melvin 'Big Smoke' Harris.
#9
Quote by Winter Sky
Because my last song, Sugarblind, was so well-received, I've decided to post another new song I wrote. I'm a little anxious because it's much different than Sugarblind, but I hope you guys enjoy it.

Vernal foundlings ill-equipped
For anything but dying wasting time
I dislike this line. And are you talking about time that is dying and wasting? Because I like that, but I don't like the line, or its conjunction with the previous line.
Nothing more than immigrants
In our own country lost and undefined
Hate the flow. I don't really like this so much.

They have littered our thoughts
Into the sea of eternity
We have dampened our hearts
For the sake of commodity
Brilliant verse. I think the flow is a tiny bit off in line 3, but not enough to throw it off that much.

Older now just labored cattle
Everything around us dead and dry
Faceless bastards unaware
That urgency surrounds us pacified
I don't get the point of using a word like "urgency" and then nullifying it with "pacified". Why not just say that they're docile?

They have littered our thoughts
Into the sea of eternity
We have dampened our hearts
For the sake of commodity
Okay... I like how this is better than your last chorus.

Callow fools
To have accrued
A postiche Heaven
To fall into
Great diction here. But isn't the word "pastiche"?

Shallow smuts
To have given up
The most brilliant shade
Of blue
Great.

We want to end
To be dead
To be asleep


I liked this a lot. I feel the topic is very tired though. You did a pretty good job, though.

Crit anything in my sig that you haven't critted before please.
#10
i liked it

only problems with it are the weird flow and the term "sea of eternity"
it's a bit done for my tastes and i think the verse would benefit from a term less grandiose
#11
Ah, mamosa, thank you. Pastiche was the word I was looking for! Appreciate your amazing help, as always. I'll be sure to critique "Romance in the Stone Age" later today.

I understand that the flow may seem weird, but the vocal melody does it justice, I swear. :P

And I changed "eternity" to "infinity". It's sort of more what I was going for anyway lol. Thanks for the help guys.
#12
Quote by Winter Sky
Thanks so much. I'm amazed at the love my songs are getting; they're the first two I've ever written.

I know that the flow seems really awkward, but this is meant to have really drawn-out vocal melodies. So, the lyrics all fit, it's just not so clear from reading them alone.

Again, thanks for the critique. ^_^


EDIT: By the way, who is Bon Iver? It doesn't ring a bell.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sy3lJIxyZ60&feature=related

He's really amazing. Your lyrics would fit really well with his melodies.

Listen to my covers here.


"Some even claim that I'm a terror, a dictator and they're right." - Lou Reed


AK-ROWDY