#1
This is the first song lyric I've ever written. I write lots of poetry, though, and thought I'd dabble in songwriting. This is based on George Orwell's essay, Shooting an Elephant, which touched me deeply. It's supposed to be accompanied either by a slow piano or gentle folk guitar, but I don't quite know how it's supposed to go yet.

Center of the circle,
They all keep watching me.
I try to shoot, but my hands--
My hands, they're failing.
They watch my every move,
They will not let me breathe.
And here, the beast I'll shoot
Keeps thrashing, wailing.

Oh, poor gentle giant,
I'll end your suffering.
Please close your eyes, keep silent, still,
Or my soul won't stop stirring.

I point the barrel at you;
You don't seem so surprised.
And I can hear your heart--
Your heart, I hear it weeping.
And I avert my gaze
From your accusing eyes.
Empty your mind, love, soon,
Oh, soon you will be sleeping.

I aim and shoot, and miss;
My wretched spirit crumbles.
Your wails of pain ignite
Sympathies and mumbles.
But why will you not die?
Why not just rest in peace?
Why must you fight when you will lose,
My darling gentle beast?

Oh, poor gentle giant,
I'll end your suffering.
Please close your eyes, keep silent, still,
Or my soul won't stop stirring.
<<My lyric. Critique, please?

You can't change the world but you can make a dent.
#2
i like it
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Quote by HeyItsChenny
thank you very much, Seaweed
#3
Quote by Xubnormal
This is the first song lyric I've ever written. I write lots of poetry, though, and thought I'd dabble in songwriting. This is based on George Orwell's essay, Shooting an Elephant, which touched me deeply. It's supposed to be accompanied either by a slow piano or gentle folk guitar, but I don't quite know how it's supposed to go yet.

Center of the circle,
They all keep watching me.
I try to shoot, but my hands--
My hands, they're failing.
They watch my every move,
They will not let me breathe.
And here, the beast I'll shoot
Keeps thrashing, wailing.
Very emotional and descriptive. Excellent word choice. Sets the mood perfectly.

Oh, poor gentle giant,
I'll end your suffering.
Please close your eyes, keep silent, still,
Or my soul won't stop stirring.
This is really sad. I can feel the pain of having to kill such an innocent being. Great emotion again.

I point the barrel at you;
You don't seem so surprised.
And I can hear your heart--
Your heart, I hear it weeping.
And I avert my gaze
From your accusing eyes.
Empty your mind, love, soon,
Oh, soon you will be sleeping.
This part almost made me cry to be honest. Very heartfelt and sad. Just perfect.

I aim and shoot, and miss;
My wretched spirit crumbles.
Your wails of pain ignite
Sympathies and mumbles.
But why will you not die?
Why not just rest in peace?
Why must you fight when you will lose,
My darling gentle beast?
This feels so real. I can see the horror of that poor creature, struggling to live, even when death is inevitable.

Oh, poor gentle giant,
I'll end your suffering.
Please close your eyes, keep silent, still,
Or my soul won't stop stirring.
So much emotion, and perfect word choice.


Amazing piece. I almost cried while reading it. I absolutely loved it. Great work.
#4
Thank you guys!
<<My lyric. Critique, please?

You can't change the world but you can make a dent.