#1
Crit 4 crit...

Gang gathered
Dark pervading
Enveloping forms
Fear gestating
Heart pumping
Reaction waiting
Pulse pounding
Calm is fading

Alarm bells sirens
Silence breaking
Loud voices
Indicating
Heightened senses
Masquerading
As defenses
Courage fading

Circle forming
Space invading
Center collapse
No persuading
Shake and rattle
So degrading
Fluids freed
Insider trading

Pain sensation
Fast cascading
Humiliation with
A carbon dating
Moment captured
For recreating
In nightmares
Full of self hating

Crowd disperse
Laughter grating
Sight returns
Colour shading
Cue awareness
Shame inflating
Left alone
To lay in waiting
Last edited by wolfat the door at Sep 6, 2009,
#2
Wow that was great! The first thing that came into my mind was that this was a poem about gang violence, although that could be because the first word itself is gang. Excellent use of rhyme you stay consistent most of the time with syllables and such so the flow is very smooth. Not so sure exactly as to how the title relates to the poem, but that could be simply me. But overall im very impressed!
Quote by pengiunman
Hahaha you crack me up swansareroadkil.

:can't think of a smiley to put, your too cool:
#3
I don't like the line insider trading, though I could just be misunderstanding it's purpose in this piece. The imagery is brilliant, especially given the simplicity of the structure. It's quite vague which will be seen as a plus or a minus depending on the reader. I happen to like it. Does "Humiliation with/a carbon dating" part have anything to do with science vs. Jesus?

if you wouldn't mind critiquing one of mine, there are many in my sig.
or this one: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1197342
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#4
Thanks for the crits....I'm not crazy about the title either. Coming up with titles is not my strong suit. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd appreciate it.