#1
Hey folks!

---

"Drop The Thought"

Drop the thought of being happy,
because love is always trappy.
And suddenly you see,
there is no reason to be,
you...

I´m not living in my today,
I´m living in your tomorrow.

But.
When you say goodbye,
tears will fill my eye,
and I don´t know why,
I´m always that shy.

Drop the thought of being kind,
it´s not cool to speak your mind.
When you see the dark of the world,
it is time to cut your curls.
ouhoo...

I can´t see my today,
I just see your tomorrow.

But.
When you say goodbye,
tears will fill my eye,
and I don´t know why,
I´m always that shy.

Do you believe me now?
It will not heal, noo...
Do you hear me now?
Calling your name, ohoo...
Do you see me now?
I´m on my knees, ohoo...
Do you feel this too?
It won´t work, noo...

But.
When you said goodbye,
tears have filled my eye,
and I never knew why,
I have been that shy...

---

I hope you like it. Please C&C.

Greetings!
#2
Quote by Plowback


---

"Drop The Thought"

Drop the thought of being happy,
because love is always trappy. uhhh, "trappy" doesn't sit so well. I know your intention was to rhyme it with "happy" but it's too nursery-like that way. .
And suddenly you see,
there is no reason to be,
you..
. this essentially says, "you are but you are not" which is not altogether a nonsensical thought, but there isn't enough buildup in the previous stanzas to make me "suddenly realize" that. I don't see how the logical progression to that.

I´m not living in my today,
I´m living in your tomorrow. meh

But.
When you say goodbye,
tears will fill my eye,
and I don´t know why,
I´m always that shy.

Drop the thought of being kind,
it´s not cool to speak your mind. I cringed at "it's not cool". It reminds me of high school, all the cliques, in and out crowds, essentially things that make me cringe.
When you see the dark of the world,
it is time to cut your curls.
ouhoo...

I can´t see my today,
I just see your tomorrow.

But.
When you say goodbye,
tears will fill my eye,
and I don´t know why,
I´m always that shy.

Do you believe me now?
It will not heal, noo...
Do you hear me now?
Calling your name, ohoo...
Do you see me now?
I´m on my knees, ohoo...
Do you feel this too?
It won´t work, noo...

But.
When you said goodbye,
tears have filled my eye,
and I never knew why,
I have been that shy...





It didn't hit me as striking because it didn't show me anything, it was all tell tell tell, like a list of descriptions of items. If you look at a poem it usually presents a circumstance in a certain light, or angle, because it's that variation that makes it entertaining. "drops of water fell and made everything wet" is more than interesting than "it rained", for example, since it says a tad more, while "it rained" is a cold hard description. There's a lot of poetry here in the S&L that you can pick up a few tips from in the way that they're written.

hope you don't take this too harshly


if you feel like it, you can crit either one of the poems in my sig.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian