#1
here's my electric toothbrush.
it replaces my old normal toothbrush.
"hello electric toothbrush, goodbye old normal one,"
I said through gritted teeth full of toothpaste.
I always put my toothpaste on before
even thinking about brushing it off.
"meet my new set of white teeth".
I always thought of my teeth as being new sets
every time after an accomplished brushing session.
"accomplished", now that's a word i'd use to describe
the feeling I get after finishing brushing my teeth,
scraping all the icky stuff away.

I threw old Normy into the trash bin,
and placed the rotating head of new Elly
onto the surface of my bubbling teeth.
"grrrrrrrrrin grrrrrrrrrrin grrrrrrrrrin grrrrrrrrrin,"
it went. It kind of sounds like "grin grin grin grin,"
but in long and drawn-out robotic drawls.
I think that's what it's saying.
"grin grin grin grn".
I looked at my reflection in the mirror.
I have normal hair, too short, normal eyes,
maybe a bit too dull, huge ears, floppy at the tips,
an idiot mouth, a nose that crooks at the bridge,
and nostrils too huge.
"grin grin grin grin," I grimaced.

Normy lay at the bottom of the waste bin, watching all of this.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#2
Quote by Laces Out Danny


Normy lay at the bottom of the waste bin, watching all of this.


Now that's a sad ending
#3
I like this, it's got a very subtle innocence attached to it. Seems as if it's written in the perspective of a child, and beautifully done. The "grin" part was a nice touch, and the ending was great, you could really picture "Normy's" sad expression.

Great job, C4C?

INTOLERANCE IS IGNORANCE


Quote by kosmic
Holy Moses.
haha
Last edited by Pauldapro at Sep 5, 2009,
#4
I looked at my reflection in the mirror.
I have normal hair, too short, normal eyes,
maybe a bit too dull, huge ears, floppy at the tips,
an idiot mouth, a nose that crooks at the bridge,
and nostrils too huge.
"grin grin grin grin," I grimaced.

Normy lay at the bottom of the waste bin, watching all of this


This part was amazing, my friend. I was extremely curious as to where you were taking this when I was reading the first stanza, and I'm extremely pleased about where did end up taking it. It left me with a feeling of staged pleasure masking hollowness and lonliness, and it all hit me in this one part. Beautifully done.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
Wow, only you could make teeth brushing so interesting and create so many interesting connotations. And I have to mimic you somehow. I should just give up now, huh?
#6
this was good, def agree with the other comments, and how it got brought back around, real well. got something out of nothing with this one, you - the writer, and the reader, because brushing your teeth is definitely something that is basically a 'nothing', and it just got turned. - also, your adjectives at the end flowed 'feeling wise' well from normal - maybe slightly - huge - idiot.. from 'crooks' to 'huge nostrils', these two, they added an emphasis, context, underlined, and so they are (I can tell) important to what you want to portray. That being said, I didn't like the last two. Without them, does the same feeling get across? Probably no. Can two different words do the same? Maybe. Regardless, a pleasure to read. Provided the reader doesn't suffer from too many of these same commonalities. If the reader does, you haven't justified making the reader feel a slight tinge of 'whaaa.. me?' - in that case, it isn't just simply pleasurable, it's tinged somehow w/ the opposite too. 'An idiot mouth' is absolutely brilliant, though. Absolutely.
Last edited by parkt921k at Sep 5, 2009,
#7
I wiped my butt with some bog roll
And i called her Clarice
when i chucked her down the bog
And took another piece

Did i two time
Did she leave without respect
Should i have folded

I like it lots,totally different and gets the mind bubbling.
I could really see this as a song for fun.
Sorry i just couldnt help dabbling in daftedry(a new word so i havnt spelt it wrong)
Great writing and fun...
#8
This is so excited and fun! Absolutely brilliant. Love it, love it.
<<My lyric. Critique, please?

You can't change the world but you can make a dent.
#9
I really enjoyed this piece. The way you looked at the act of brushing one's teeth, this everyday, mundane thing that nobody really thinks twice about, in a new light, was very interesting. I also liked how you gave names to the inanimate objects of the toothbrushes and treated them like they were alive, possibly.

Am I correct in thinking that this is a metaphor for a relationship or something? That's the feeling I got from it, the way the narrator tosses aside "Normy" when he/she get's the fancy new "Elly". To me it seemed like it could be someone tossing aside an old girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife, or even just a friend or a companion, for someone else, perhaps someone newer or younger. I got the feeling that this new person, represented by the new electric toothbrush, made the narrator feel better about what he/she perceives to be his/her faults, the "hair that's too short", the "idiot mouth". But at the same time, these things are "normal", they have that in common with the old toothbrush, the old partner, who was so unceremoniously cast aside. And the toothbrush sees it all, and knows this, and maybe the narrator knows it too.

It's sad.

I really like this piece because I keep getting more from it by reading it over and over, and even just thinking about it. And it's just about brushing teeth, at least on the surface, which is what makes it so great.

I can't really see anything that I would suggest changing. Perhaps the last three lines of the first bit don't seem entirely necessary, but maybe not. The whole thing runs so deeply that I can't help but think that I just haven't figured out what that part means yet and I don't want to tell you to change it if that's the case. You're obviously a great writer, and I'm sure you'll know what to do.
kill all humans
#10
thanks guys

kdownes: aw, thanks. but remember, I sucked a couple of months back

alaskan ninja: it could be seen that way. I wasn't explicitly thinking about that when I wrote it, more so to buildup a scene where "everything feels right" except for a tiny nagging feeling in the background that something isn't right, which the last line gives. I do think that the last three lines of the first stanza don't mean much, but I can't see myself taking it out either. At the very least it sort of adds to the voice of the character.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian