#1
Mr. October, wont you come and save me
Ive been in this darkness
Ive been lost at sea

Ive got these feelings for her
that i cant explain
mr. october can you help me
before i go insane


good? bad?

any tips?
#2
Not bad...maybe be a bit more subtle in the second part and use slightly more poetic language. So kind of hint at what the problem is rather than out and out saying it.
#3
I kinda liked it but it seemed like it changed subject in the second stanza and it didnt really meld together. I liked the "lost at sea" line, it seems most lyrics/poems/etc. are obsessed with fire and all that and I hardly ever see the sea anywhere. The sea is a much more powerful and intimidating place IMO. But yeah overall it was pretty good.

C4C? My piece is here: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1195225 I would be very grateful.
In diesem Herz hab ich die Macht.

Gear:
Fender MIM HSS Strat (Wine Red)
VOX Valvetronix VT20+
Kay K390 Acoustic
#5
Quote by jacobdoc
Mr. October, wont you come and save me
Ive been in this darkness
Ive been lost at sea

Ive got these feelings for her
that i cant explain
mr. october can you help me
before i go insane



I really think you should refine this a bit more. No offense, but this is very cliche. Darkness can be a very good metaphor to describe confusion, or being in a paranoid state. But you didn't give enough description or enough build-up/tension to really pull the reader in. I like the idea of Mr.October, but you need to flesh out what he really stands for and what the reasons are for why he's in the poem.

The lost at sea part is the only part where I feel it really seems "done before". The last stanza needs far more detail. Explain WHY you can't explain those feelings for her, and I think you could benefit if you used a metaphor for that.

If you're using this Mr. October character as a sort of "healer" to your problems, "can you help me / before i go insane", then it would be wise to include his ACTIONS in helping your situation.

This piece could be really great, though. It's an okay start, remember, this is ALL just constructive criticism. No offense meant at all.

C4C?

INTOLERANCE IS IGNORANCE


Quote by kosmic
Holy Moses.
haha
#6
im completely ok with that pauldapro, i like constructive criticism

this is just an idea that popped into my head, but i really think i can make this work with some time and effort