#1
please critique this as much as possible, i sorta wrote this on a whim. thanks
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Verse 1:
these cold nights never end
they keep me thinking of how were just friends
if you could see me for who i am
i'd bend all the rules to try and make you understand

Chorus:
I'm falling to pieces over you
and i'm crawling on my knees just so you see me through
i'm drawing conclusions from the blue
yeah i'm falling to pieces over you

Verse 2:
words between us are almost dead
there's so many things that i should've said
coming undone are the thoughts in my head
now i'm lost and you're the only one i have left

Chorus again

Verse 3:
I hope you see that i care
I hope you see that i'm there
if i could see you once again
i'd fight through fire just to hold your hand

Chorus again
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well thats it, please lemme know what you think of it and any advice you can give me
#2
The second line of the chorus doesn't flow so well, though I like it. I'd suggest removing "and" as well as "just" from it. I'd suggest doing a 1-2-1-2 on Verse 2 instead of just straight 1-1-1-1. Eh, this is my first time actually doing any critique on lyrics, so wait for someone else before just listening to me.
Originally Posted by bucktheduck
You think you're any better, swamping in sexual filth with fangs bared and blood red eyes? I see through the cold blood of you reptiles, none of you can do any good to a world that I need to fix.

Apparently, me.
#3
Quote by motoxninja
please critique this as much as possible, i sorta wrote this on a whim. thanks
--------------------------------------
Verse 1:
these cold nights never end
they keep me thinking of how were just friends
if you could see me for who i am
i'd bend all the rules to try and make you understand
Good flow, nice rhymes. Good verse.

Chorus:
I'm falling to pieces over you
and i'm crawling on my knees just so you see me through
i'm drawing conclusions from the blue
yeah i'm falling to pieces over you
I agree with the above poster, remove the words "and" and "just" from the second line. The rest is great and catchy.

Verse 2:
words between us are almost dead
there's so many things that i should've said
coming undone are the thoughts in my head
now i'm lost and you're the only one i have left
This verse isn't as good as the first, but it works. Nice flow and rhymes again.

Chorus again

Verse 3:
I hope you see that i care
I hope you see that i'm there
if i could see you once again
i'd fight through fire just to hold your hand
Emotional, nice rhymes, good flow. My favorite verse.

Chorus again
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well thats it, please lemme know what you think of it and any advice you can give me


Not bad. It could use a little more clever wording to make it less cliche, but it's still good. Lots of potential. Good work.

C4C? I could use some more critiques on my song Bitter Soma. Thanks. ^_^
#4
thanks a lot, the more critique i get the better ill get at writing so you guys are really helping me out. and i'll try rolling through it without the "and" and the "just" of the chorus. thanks guys.