#1
To make up for my past atrocities i've made a better song this time. Hopefully.
I don't know what genre to call this one. I started it with an I Set My Friends On Fire attitude, then i started leaning towards a kind of mastodon sound. But now i think im gonna call this genre "Psychedelicore". I like the sound of that.

C4C


Lucid Dream

What a lucid dream I’ve seen
The tryptamines rubbed off on me
The bitter taste
Took effect with haste
Before I knew it
Colors blazed (x2)

One big kaleidoscope
Emitting rays of false hope
Meteors that climb down
Painted colors like a clown
One big kaleidoscope
Emitting rays of false hope
Look to the rain falling down
Obstructs my throat
There I drown

Closed my eyes
Thought I died
But the colors surged
And I stopped the dirge
Note by note
Piece by piece
Thread by thread
I speed up
The dream
The anecdote
I awaken
The real me
But I’m too far
From reality

The colors start to fade
Clouds loom overhead
The empty mountain glade
Comes into view
As I soften my tread
My ego has taken over
And in minutes
I could be dead

With my thought returned
I realized the trip had turned
The lightning so bright
My eyes then burned
The only thing learned that night
When something goes wrong
Don’t make it right

Gain control before its too late
Before I meet a make-believe fate
One second more
I would’ve faced the pearly gates
The clouds start to shrink
Colors then return
Kaleidoscopic illustration
Make the night
A mind vacation
#3
Wow, very Lucy-in-the-Sky. No major faults, lovely phrasing. I like it.
<<My lyric. Critique, please?

You can't change the world but you can make a dent.
#4
nice man i liked it a lot, it described a semi bad trip to me perfect. Kinda when the shrooms or acid is stronger than you expected and its just a complete mind ****, i like what you did and i could relate to it. I cant crit lyrics for **** so im just gonna say good job and keep it up haha

oh and btw thanks for the comment on mine
#5
Quote by benx3000

What a lucid dream I’ve seen
Right here. You don't normally "see" dreams. You "have" them. I think you put that word in there to help you rhyme
The tryptamines rubbed off on me
Now you're just copying from the guy who wrote the poem while on shrooms. Not cool.
The bitter taste
Took effect with haste
The taste isn't what takes effect. You again used awful diction for the purposes of rhyming.
Before I knew it
Colors blazed (x2)
Just ugh.

One big kaleidoscope
Emitting rays of false hope
Where the hell did hope come from? You bring it up now, you'd better go into it more. Unless you used it just to rhyme, which I think you did, because it sure as hell doesn't make sense.
Meteors that climb down
???
Painted colors like a clown
Idiotic imagery. Terrible rhyme.
One big kaleidoscope
Emitting rays of false hope
Again with the hope.....
Look to the rain falling down
Obstructs my throat
There I drown
This is the first time one of your rhymes has been decent.

Closed my eyes
Thought I died
Stupid.
But the colors surged
And I stopped the dirge
Terrible rhyme here. Do you know what a dirge is? Because I doubt you were singing a sad, funereal song if you thought you died.
Note by note
Piece by piece
Thread by thread
I speed up
The dream
The anecdote
I awaken
The real me
But I’m too far
From reality
Ugh. Just... ugh.

The colors start to fade
Clouds loom overhead
The empty mountain glade
Which glade? You say "the" not "a" so we expect you to have previously referred to it.
Comes into view
As I soften my tread
My ego has taken over
And in minutes
I could be dead
These rhymes are awful. What does you ego have to do with anything? Or softening your tread? Or being dead?

With my thought returned
I realized the trip had turned
Awkward line break used to aid the rhyme scheme.
The lightning so bright
My eyes then burned
Awkward phrasing for rhyme scheme.
The only thing learned that night
When something goes wrong
Don’t make it right
Where the **** did this come from??

Gain control before its too late
Before I meet a make-believe fate
WHAT. THE. ****. You use terrible diction and create nonsense that was not introduce previously so you can make awkward, forced rhymes.
One second more
I would’ve faced the pearly gates
Terrible. Just terrible.
The clouds start to shrink
Colors then return
Kaleidoscopic illustration
Make the night
A mind vacation


You had 2 rhymes in this whole piece that I did vomit over. The last one, and the down/drown one. Those were good. Everything else was awful. This was utter nonsense.

And I get that this is meant to be a song about when you were tripping and how ****ed up it was. But it was utter nonsense nonetheless. And it was awful.

Now, all of this is JMO, but I doubt I'm the only one who thinks it.
#6
I agree with the above poster, and will add that big words seemed to be used for the sake of using big words.
I like to think I'm a poet, but it's all rather contrived...

...bliss is found in not just ignorance, so stop looking there.

Here's to wondering how much this sig is screwing with your eyes.


[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=21538427#post21538427[/url"]Freud's Lunchbox
#9
Quote by mamosa


I did not copy the guy that wrote about shrooms. i wrote this before him, you can check the times. And also, a bad trip is when your ego takes over. Know something. Also, i know that the taste isn't what makes you trip, i'm not retarded. I will give you that one, i was just saying it so i can rhyme. And also yes, you do see dreams. Are your dreams just blank? Didn't think so. Stop being such a nazi. And also, i used like one big word, which was tryptamines.
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
Last edited by benx3000 at Sep 8, 2009,
#10
I don't have any issues with you using big words. That wasn't me who said that.

And that was my point, btw, that you used words just so that they could rhyme. THAT'S A BAD THING.

Your piece was utter nonsense. I get what a bad trip is, but it was still nonsense. Just because each individual word makes sense, it doesn't mean the piece does.

And you're wrong about the dream thing. If you had a great dream, and decided to tell your friends for whatever reason, would you say, "I saw the craziest dream last night!" No. You would say, "I had the craziest dream last night!"

Wanna know why? Because you can't really see with your mind's eye. You can't see dreams because dreams don't physically exist. You see them with your mind's eye. Which is why people say that they "had" a dream. You used "seen" just so you could rhyme. Admit it (well you partially did before).
#11
Mamosa: you don't have to be such an asshole. The point of a critique is to review their work and give an honest opinion but in a constructive way. Just saying everything sucked is no help. Personally i thought it did make sense, and looking at your crit, you obviously didn't read it well enough because most of the words do go together even if it was just to ryhme.

Good job, don't let arrogant douche bags like that discourage you!
#12
Quote by mamosa
I don't have any issues with you using big words. That wasn't me who said that.

And that was my point, btw, that you used words just so that they could rhyme. THAT'S A BAD THING.

Your piece was utter nonsense. I get what a bad trip is, but it was still nonsense. Just because each individual word makes sense, it doesn't mean the piece does.

And you're wrong about the dream thing. If you had a great dream, and decided to tell your friends for whatever reason, would you say, "I saw the craziest dream last night!" No. You would say, "I had the craziest dream last night!"

Wanna know why? Because you can't really see with your mind's eye. You can't see dreams because dreams don't physically exist. You see them with your mind's eye. Which is why people say that they "had" a dream. You used "seen" just so you could rhyme. Admit it (well you partially did before).


While i dont think this was a masterpiece or anything and it certainly has its faults. He actually described a bad trip pretty damn well i will give him that much. You do have a valid point about rhyming for the sake of rhyming. And you say its nonsense, well it has to be nonsense for it to convey how a bad trip is. So yes it needs work, but its not as bad as youve made it out to be, at least i dont think so.
#13
Quote by muel333
Mamosa: you don't have to be such an asshole. The point of a critique is to review their work and give an honest opinion but in a constructive way. Just saying everything sucked is no help. Personally i thought it did make sense, and looking at your crit, you obviously didn't read it well enough because most of the words do go together even if it was just to ryhme.

Good job, don't let arrogant douche bags like that discourage you!


Am I really an arrogant douchebag? Because I see absolutely no arrogance. I never said anywhere I could do any better.

And I am being constructive. Telling him the truth is constructive IMO. I didn't just say everything sucks, I gave specific examples.

And words making sense while being used for the sake of rhyming IS BAD. I promise you, forced rhymes ARE BAD. Whether they make sense or not is irrelevant. So you obviously didn't read my crits well enough.
#14
Quote by mamosa
Am I really an arrogant douchebag? Because I see absolutely no arrogance. I never said anywhere I could do any better.

And I am being constructive. Telling him the truth is constructive IMO. I didn't just say everything sucks, I gave specific examples.

And words making sense while being used for the sake of rhyming IS BAD. I promise you, forced rhymes ARE BAD. Whether they make sense or not is irrelevant. So you obviously didn't read my crits well enough.


Just leave this page for reviews, not a flaming war. Sorry to cause a disturbance.
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
#15
Your right about how rhyming for the sake of rhyming is bad. I totally agree about that. But I also believe some of the rhymes were ok, not amazing but usable. It definately needs work but that is no reason to insult this guys work so much. Give him your opinion, maybe a few pointers, advice, etc. but there is a nice way to do it. As an S and L thread, we all share a common interest of writing so why not try to help others and although aknowledging the faults, help to revise the piece as well as encourage everyone. So basically, in my opinion, your crit was of no help because all you did was say how bad it was. I'm sure he probably feels the same way.
#16
I've heard plenty of songs that have rhymes just for the sake of rhyming. It is not all bad like you say. Sure in some songs yes, but you cant say its always bad if its blatently intentional.
eg "And I took the small roads out of town/And I passed a cow and the cow was brown" Nick Cave wrote this and it works, because he knows its wrong, which in turn made it right. I found it rather amusing when I heard it.

And as for dreams, I don't claim to be an expert or anything but when you describe certain parts of a dream you "see them". Last night I HAD this dream and I SAW you in it. HAD is kind of just the collectective term for a dream.

I really enjoyed reading this. Also I'd like to mention that not all songs make sense anyway, nor do they need to. It's a trip, it's not supposed to make sense, If only in small sections at a time.

You made some good points about it, but 90 percent of your critique is about it not making sense and being overall terrible, which I think is a little unfair given what the song is about.
Last edited by Casuist at Sep 11, 2009,
#17
Some diction choices are a little iffy, but I'm betting just reading back over it you could see those. Otherwise, the style very much fits the subject, and I like the way it rolls in that respect. Kind of reminiscent of Rosetta Stoned by Tool, look that up if you haven't heard it, might give you some new ideas and lead you down some different paths.
#18
i thought you had some okay stuff in here but i think the rhyming in a lot of places was forced which led to a few cheesy lines.

But the colors surged
And I stopped the dirge

The bitter taste
Took effect with haste

^ those are a few examples of what i mean. while rhyming can be good and help the flow of the piece it can also limit your ideas because you're only thinking of words that rhyme with the previous and then you have to think of a line that will make that word fit and sometimes it just sounds awkward and forced. i like the idea here though.
#19
Yeah, I know that entire verse with the surged/dirge line is messed up, I just could not think of a single other thing to say, and thats just what popped into my head first. I'm definately gonna add and change a lot of stuff. Thanks.
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
#20
Thanks for taking a look at my piece.

I thought the first two lines were clever, but the third and fourth felt contrived. I also felt the line 4 was a little clumsy and should have the same meter as line 3. A lot of the rhymes throughout seems forced. In my opinion, you shouldn't have abandoned the rhyme scheme in the first stanza, but that's just my style.