#1
A small deer lies crumpled on the mossy floor and struggles to hear the brushing of leaves over her labored breathing.
Blood pooling under her head invades her mind and leaves no room for coherent thought.

A clumsy Hunter fumbles through a thicket of bushes several feet away, cursing his inaccurate old Remington.
As the cold steel rips through the deers neck,

the Hunter hears a faint whisper floating up from the blood-soaked ground;


"What have I done so wrong?"
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Sep 25, 2009,
#3
Quote by jbfoxes
stupid as ****



Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
The concise manner of this really adds to the effect, good work


Quote by jbfoxes
stupid as ****

-reported-
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
What I like about this piece, more than what you say, is what you don't say, especially in the way you draw attention to it with the question at the end. What has he done so wrong? Does he feel remorse for the deer, for shooting it? Or did he just make an illegal kill and is afraid of the consequences? And from that, the other questions that it raises: What was he aiming for in the first place? What is he going to do with the deer?

The way you isolate the question from the rest of the piece makes me think of it apart from the rest, as an entity unto itself. "What have I done so wrong?" That can mean so many things, can fit in so many circumstances.


Now, criticism: The piece's strong point is its brevity, the way that you say just enough to leave the reader pondering. In that vein, I might suggest that you try shortening sentences and eliminating unnecessary words. To me, some of the lines seem ungainly, especially considering the overall length of the piece. Cutting them down to just what is necessary could make it even better than it already is. Or perhaps not, but it is something you could try.

Overall, though, I enjoyed it quite a lot. It made me think afterward, which is always good.


C4C if you wouldn't mind? If you do get a chance, this one, please.
kill all humans
#6
It was meant to be perceived that the deer was whispering this to the hunter. "What have I done so wrong?" as in "What did I do to deserve this? What did I ever do to you?" But I guess if you take it the other way around, it can mean just as much. So whatever.


I'll get to that piece in a bit. And vintage, I'm pretty sure I saw a new piece floating around from you too, so I'll give it a read as well.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Sep 6, 2009,
#7
Quote by Ganoosh
A small deer lies crumpled on the mossy floor and struggles to hear the brushing of leaves over her labored breathing.
I'm not sure why, but I would prefer "belabored" here better. Just my craziness though
Blood pooling under her head invades her mind and leaves no room for coherent thought.
I like the personification of an animal here.

A clumsy Hunter fumbles through a thicket of bushes several feet away, cursing his inaccurate old Remington.
Why is hunter capitalized?
As the cold steel rips through the deers neck,

the Hunter hears a faint whisper softly floating up from the blood-soaked ground;


"What have I done so wrong?"


I liked this. I liked the anthropomorphism of the deer, the brevity of the piece (as someone else said), and the different perspective here.

Would you be a dear and crit the last piece in my sig?
#8
Quote by Ganoosh
It was meant to be perceived that the deer was whispering this to the hunter. "What have I done so wrong?" as in "What did I do to deserve this? What did I ever do to you?" But I guess if you take it the other way around, it can mean just as much. So whatever.


I'll get to that piece in a bit. And vintage, I'm pretty sure I saw a new piece floating around from you too, so I'll give it a read as well.
I completely didn't get that. But new I see what you mean. I thought it was more of his conscience talking to him, or something.
kill all humans
#9
Quote by alaskan_ninja
I completely didn't get that. But new I see what you mean. I thought it was more of his conscience talking to him, or something.



I mean, I guess you could take it like that, but that's not how I meant it. Whatever the piece says to you, listen to that. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.


Mamosa, I just thought I should say that I just realized how your sig works. You would always say "Links in my sig" but it's always the same damn links in the same order.....but you go bottom to top.....I'm so smart.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#10
Quote by Ganoosh
Mamosa, I just thought I should say that I just realized how your sig works. You would always say "Links in my sig" but it's always the same damn links in the same order.....but you go bottom to top.....I'm so smart.


*clap*

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*clap*

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*clap*
#11
Quote by mamosa
*clap*

...

*clap*

...

*clap*



I picked up some sarcasm in those claps.


Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#12
Ganoosh, this was rad. I can't imagine it as a song, but maybe that's jsut my imagination.

ANYWAY: It was really good! I think the title speaks volumes. Or maybe i'm just proud of myself that i understand it haha. Regardless, it's really cool and does speak well on the injustices of hunting. Very cool piece!