#1
I did this VERY OTS. I got an idea and typed it right down here. It's most definitely a WIP and I really want to make something of this. Hopefully it'll be a series.

And yes, I am purposely giving a generic description.

I deserve a series

"Dance, dance!"
he screams at me.
"Up, up!"
he yells at me.

I open my eyes.

A tall bearded man
with sunburnt skin.
An imposing figure
on the best of days.

The horns on his head;
shifting in size and shape,
from stubby buck antlers
to ivory elephant tusks.

His elegantly waxed chest,
with his hairy animal legs,
evoked a satyr's form.
Kindly Mr. Tumnus
of Narnia!

No. Not kindly Mr. Tumnus
of Narnia. Well,
maybe a little bit.

For as he laid the horse's tail
on the sheep's insides
I felt compelled to join him
in his maniacal ode

To what?

The melange of
insanity
evil
beauty
and
frenzied joy
created quite the palatable
auricular aroma
as I too danced with
a frenzied joy

TO BE CONTINUED!!! DUN DUN DUN!!!
Last edited by mamosa at Sep 11, 2009,
#2
I didn't know where the hell you were going with this, and when you got there I didn't know where the hell you were.

I understand you were talking about the devil(A very generic description of the devil, by the way. You couldn't be more original? Unless the devil in this kind of form adds to the eventual series, this is dissapointing), but why the hell were you doing it? This doesn't tell me anything. Just puts a picture in my head of..well...a very generic Devil.


Good imagery, though. If you feel like it, my sig.


EDIT: Nevermind, you already did it.
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#3
Quote by Ganoosh
I didn't know where the hell you were going with this, and when you got there I didn't know where the hell you were.

I understand you were talking about the devil(A very generic description of the devil, by the way. You couldn't be more original? Unless the devil in this kind of form adds to the eventual series, this is dissapointing), but why the hell were you doing it? This doesn't tell me anything. Just puts a picture in my head of..well...a very generic Devil.


Good imagery, though. If you feel like it, my sig.


EDIT: Nevermind, you already did it.


Yes. It is very generic. And it's very difficult to understand unless you know what the Devll's Trill is.

This isn't an original piece as much as a rendition of someone else's story....
#4
Pfft. The devil can't write a love song.

>.> *cough*

Anyways, extremely cheezy, extremely generic, and extremely unorganized. It was a bit funny, actually, that the last two lines about Narnia stuck with me though. I found myself liking it, even though there was no apparent reason I should.

I'm sure that you'll take me to be a total prick now. But I'm drunk as shee-it and working on my own part series, so I'm sure I'm pretty incoherent. Here's to hoping spell check works.
#5
Quote by punkforlife93
Pfft. The devil can't write a love song.

>.> *cough*

Anyways, extremely cheezy, extremely generic, and extremely unorganized. It was a bit funny, actually, that the last two lines about Narnia stuck with me though. I found myself liking it, even though there was no apparent reason I should.

I'm sure that you'll take me to be a total prick now. But I'm drunk as shee-it and working on my own part series, so I'm sure I'm pretty incoherent. Here's to hoping spell check works.


...prick

But seriously, it's meant to be generic. And I fail to see how it's disorganized, could you point that out please?

And why purple?
#6
An imposing figure
on the best of days


Loved this part.Why?I have no idea.I don't what the devils trill is either.
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#7
Quote by mamosa
...prick

But seriously, it's meant to be generic. And I fail to see how it's disorganized, could you point that out please?

And why purple?


It's indigo, n00b.

And tbh, I have no idea. It's just stuck with my pieces. I always do em in this color.

As to the organization, I guess it's not that bad. I just couldn't figure out why you had a lengthy description about...well, a fairly simple subject.

Eh, just ignore my crit, I'll read it when I'm thinking clearly tommorrow.
#8
Nice piece, really liked it, felt real energetic and it seemed like something I could easily play guitar to and sing. Anywho, I liked all of it but Mr Tumnus, that was a mood kill for me =(
#9
an imposing figure on the best of days was my least favourite line in the song
mainly because it seemed like you'd tacked on "on the best of days" to fill space
corny personification of satan but i take it from your earlier comments that this was your intention?

and is the title referring to the violin concerto by tartini?
#10
Quote by spitonastranger
an imposing figure on the best of days was my least favourite line in the song
mainly because it seemed like you'd tacked on "on the best of days" to fill space
corny personification of satan but i take it from your earlier comments that this was your intention?

and is the title referring to the violin concerto by tartini?


It's a sonata, but yeah!

#11
When you're making a series of poems each part should have enough of a story to stand alone as well, something to drag the reader along. This was basically just a description of a single character. So really there's nothing here to hold my interest and make me want to read the next part of the series. You left me picturing something but not anticipating anything.

If you have a storyline in mind for this then I'd suggest you incorporate some of it into this part. The story should start in the first part.

#13
^That would probably be better than leaving it, of course depending on what part 2 is like.
#14
Quote by bassbeat77
^That would probably be better than leaving it, of course depending on what part 2 is like.


It'll fit together. I just posted them as I wrote them, so I figured I'd like to do it in short chapters.
#15
Honestly, I'm not understanding where you're going with this serie. I was liking the description until you mentioned Mr. Tumnus. Everything that succeeds it is not as good, except the last four lines. Those were great. Especially "the palatable auricular aroma". The point is, although I liked to read most of what you said and its images, I don't get the storyline. But maybe I'm just too slow today waiting for ex-part III and now part II.
#17
Like bass beat has said, this is basically a profile of one character.

Perhaps if you want to keep it what way, you could create a history or backstory for the character, to add some sense of happening and motion.

Also, you might want to expound on the character that is witnessing this devil, I understand that vagueness can make things more relatable to the reader, but right now in my head there is no clear image of exactly what type of interaction is happening, and it makes it cold and stale.

You said something about this being a rendition of someone else's story? maybe I could understand it better if you gave an insight as to what that story is about. Then again, a poem is supposed to stand alone in itself, most of us who would read it would have no idea on what that story is about.
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