#1
This was something I quickly wrote on the spot feeling inspired by the memory of my late cousin. Fairly brief, but I feel it conveys what I was feeling.

A purple stone, hung on a chain
A solemn reminder of what remains
Memories, embedded in a stone,
a rock, a worthless piece of earth
But not so, the true value known
To those an Angel birthed
So this remains, this is what's left
A memory embedded in stone
A memory hanging from my neck


Criticism will be appreciated, I'll try return it but I'm not particularly experienced so it may not be that great.
#4
A purple stone, hung on a chain
A solemn reminder of what remains
Memories, embedded in a stone,
a rock, a worthless piece of earth
I feel that there should be a stanza break here before the **** comes. But regardless, these four lines were excellent. I am interested, the flow is good, the rhyming isn't strained.

But not so, the true value known
To those an Angel birthed
I don't like this part.
So this remains, this is what's left
A memory embedded in stone
A memory hanging from my neck

------------

I have mixed feelings about this. I love the piece, but there's just something about the organization of it that I both like and don't like. It works well the way it is, with the exception of the first two lines of the second stanza, and I feel the content of the last few lines should be in the poem....... but I kind of also like the ending presented in the first stanza. If you reversed the stanzas, putting the second one before the first (obviously changing a few things) then I like it more. It's a more unique perspective on something and I find is quite good.

Just my opinion.
#5
I should have mentioned that my mother's maiden name is Angel, which led to the line:
To those an Angel birthed

My way of saying that only a relative could truly understand the value of this stone.

Thanks for the opinions though.
Angel's stone
Obnoxious truth? Blatant lies? Begin to divine paranoia's guise.
Last edited by Jorsa at Sep 8, 2009,
#6
Quote by Jorsa
I should have mentioned that my mother's maiden name is Angel, which led to the line:

My way of saying that only a relative could truly understand the value of this stone.

Thanks for the opinions though.


Oh. Makes a lot more sense now. That also explains why it was capitalized.... That makes that part fine, but I still like the piece like this:

Stanza 1
A purple stone, hung on a chain
A solemn reminder of what remains
The true value only known
To those an Angel birthed.

Stanza 2
So this remains, this is what's left
A memory embedded in stone
A memory hanging from my neck
Memories, embedded in a stone,
a rock, a worthless piece of earth
#7
Considered something like that, but

A memory embedded in stone
A memory hanging from my neck
Memories, embedded in a stone,


Makes one of the lines very redundant.

Perhaps


A purple stone, hung on a chain
A solemn reminder of what remains
Memories hanging from my neck
Memories, embedded in a stone,
a rock, a worthless piece of earth
The true value only known
To those an Angel birthed.


That better? It also increases the elements of rhyme without sounding particularly forced. (In my opinion anyway)
Angel's stone
Obnoxious truth? Blatant lies? Begin to divine paranoia's guise.
Last edited by Jorsa at Sep 8, 2009,
#8
The reason I like the repetition there is because you're expressing two completely contrary ideas. One being that it's a memory in a stone hanging from your neck because it's so valuable to you as a person, while the other is that it's just a rock.

Really, I like it both ways. It's just a bit more unique the other way, with the conclusion being that it's essentially useless, while being of sentimental value. The way you have it, the conclusion is that it isn't essentially useless because of the sentimental value. That's the difference. So, obviously, whichever way you like it, do it.