#1
Tomorrow I am recieving a gift
This gift is always fresh and bright
Yet it last all day
And sleeps all night.

Tomorrow it begins
Three hundred and sixty-five times
A fresh new start
And a brand new day.

Tomorrow I am receiving a gift
In the bright new morning
'Till the setting of the evening sun
Brand new each day.

c4c, just leave a link and I will return the critique on my next chance

(verse omitted/changed)Replaced by the last stanza
Tomorrow will start with morning
Afternoon later comes running
Even follows before night
And the whole day I'll call mine
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Aug 16, 2010,
#3
Thank you very much
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I am the 24 Wild Rovers
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#6
I liked the way you wrote, though I -personally- wouldn't be able to fit your lyric into a song.

Maybe you should try to get longer verses, a distinct chorus and maybe a bridge that stands out from the rest of the song?

It also works out for many artists to get a character and think of a storyline with a sudden twist in it.

For example Avenged Sevenfold's Afterlife, which is about a man who died and went to the Afterlife, and found out he missed too much in life and wants another chance.

Or, same bands, Little Piece Of Heaven. Its about a man who murdered his wife to abuse her lifeless body. The funny twist in this song is that the wife comes to life, kills the man and then they get on a "un-natural" killing spree.

I dont want you to be forced in a certain direction, I just like to give you another perspective on writing!


Greetings,

RMW.
#7
Quote by RMWessels
I liked the way you wrote, though I -personally- wouldn't be able to fit your lyric into a song.

Maybe you should try to get longer verses, a distinct chorus and maybe a bridge that stands out from the rest of the song?

It also works out for many artists to get a character and think of a storyline with a sudden twist in it.

For example Avenged Sevenfold's Afterlife, which is about a man who died and went to the Afterlife, and found out he missed too much in life and wants another chance.

Or, same bands, Little Piece Of Heaven. Its about a man who murdered his wife to abuse her lifeless body. The funny twist in this song is that the wife comes to life, kills the man and then they get on a "un-natural" killing spree.

I dont want you to be forced in a certain direction, I just like to give you another perspective on writing!


Greetings,

RMW.


Well thank you very much for the suggestions, but I was actually, mostly using this as a practice. I want my stuff to be a little simple, innocent and to the point. Though you are correct in that I should make a story, I tried that one and it turned out to be the longest ballad out there. I'll try to start work on stuff that could more easily be writen into music
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#8
Well, its not that your stuff is "wrong" in any way, but the way I try to write makes it easier for me, and maybe also for you.

Greetings,

RMW.
#9
Quote by RMWessels
Well, its not that your stuff is "wrong" in any way, but the way I try to write makes it easier for me, and maybe also for you.

Greetings,

RMW.

Yeah everyone has their own style of writing I guess.

Thank you all for the comments on this work, I am much appreciative
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#11
Quote by hippieboy444
the last stanza could be worked on. a bit too direct.

Thanks man. I tried changing the last verse a little, tell me if you like the new change or if I should have either kept it or try something else
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I am the 24 Wild Rovers
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#13
Quote by hippieboy444
i like the change.

Thanks
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