#2
Welcome to S+L.

Before I get to the piece, I should tell you about your problem with being dissatisfied with most everything you write. First of all, everything you write in the beginning is going to be terrible. The best thing you can do is to post it on here, no matter how terrible, and when people give you good advice, listen to it. Because there are a lot of people here that know what they are talking about and are willing to help. Take the advice you get, and apply it when you write your next piece. Never, ever give up writing. The more you write, the better you will get. I promise. Every piece you write, whether you think so or not, is going to be better in some way than the last one for the most part. Also, there's nothing wrong with writing only five lines if that's all that comes to you. Some of my favorite poems are less than five lines long.

Now, to the actual writing. There's a saying, and it goes "Show, not tell.". And it applies perfectly in your situation. When you wrote that, you were telling me what to think, what to feel and leaving no room for imagination. You need to show me. Make it descriptive, paint a picture in my head. Make me actually feel what you are feeling in this piece. Don't be so blunt and straightforward with your words. For example, "I started to change". Okay, you started to change. Now I know that. But this doesn't connect with the reader in any way. It just tells them that you were changing. I hope you can understand what I'm saying here, because I get the feeling that I'm not making much sense. Next is when you try to rhyme, it's very forced. For example;

Don't really know how to act
Still being nice
But the past haunts me to be exact

The "to be exact" is completely unnecessary. It is just thrown in there for the sake of making those two lines rhyme, and that is painfully obvious. Don't try so hard to rhyme like you have here. Remember you don't even have to rhyme at all if you don't want to. Do it well or just don't do it. Using it effectively can make a piece great, but not pulling it off can really bring it down. Finally, this isn't so much about the content of the piece as it is the way you've written it. There is little to no punctuation or proper capitalization. I realize its poetry/a song, but you have no idea how much proper grammar can help you out and get the meaning across. Use periods and commas at the very least next time you write.


If you could take a link at the piece in my sig(the top link) and maybe give some feedback, that would be great.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Thanks alot for your reply! And thanks for welcoming me!

The "show, not tell" part you are talking about. Can i just say that i am totally aware of it. Still i'm just in a state where i just don't know how to do it properly :S But practice would be the way.

Now to the forced rhyming. I know! Really.. And i dont know why i especially did it in the case you pointed out. I actually thought alot about that one sentence. And that it just doesen't need to be there.

So the conclusion must just be, that i'm aware of what i am doing wrong. And practice would just do the trick, right?
#4
Yes, write write write. Don't stop, don't give up, and you will inevitably get better as long as you try.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
One thing is for sure. I will save this piece.. Not because it is good. But because i think it could have potential if i totally re-wrote it, once i get better.

But thanks alot for your help =) Really