#1
v:
So here i am,
waiting on a cold white blanket to pack up it's things and go,
(be)cause in this world if there's one thing i know it's that
it's about time to pack up the sweaters
for the short sleeve weather, when we're better together
or at least that's what i hope

ch:
her sun kissed shoulders, and her golden hair
no need for words, she was everything that i just could
not get over, in the long and sleepless summer nights,
when i was in love, and i was in love, again.
#2
You might wanna read the rules about thread titles. But anyways,

Quote by Altitudinous
v:
So here i am,
waiting on a cold white blanket to pack up it's things and go,
(be)cause in this world if there's one thing i know it's that
it's about time to pack up the sweaters
for the short sleeve weather, when we're better together
or at least that's what i hope

It was kind of a big giant sentence that just ran together. And it read like that. I think gloob or glob would be an appropiate description.


ch:
her sun kissed shoulders, and her golden hair
no need for words, she was everything that i just could - The line break here makes this confusing.
not get over, in the long and sleepless summer nights,
when i was in love, and i was in love, again.

Once again, kind of gloopy.



It's a bit disorganized and chaotic. I think you should try to organize your thoughts a little better before writing. Let your ideas sit in your head a little longer. Also, some of the line breaks were extremely funky. It wasn't bad, though.

If you want, you could take a look at the top link in my sig.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Well the thing is, i totally know it looks completely gloopy and stuff but it's already been put to music and it's broken up like that because it makes sense with the rhythm of the singing. Sorry about that. Crit's on the way, thanks.
#4
I guess this is the piece you said was coming up soon when you looked at Now You Know right? I s'pose you don't need to PM me after all.
Anyways, for the crit:
I agree with Ganoosh that it did kind of just spill out and then keep going, like it was pouring out nonstop, but I kinda liked it personally. It's a little bit different (which is always good) and it gave it a sense of desperation or something, like it couldn't be stopped or helped, it just kept coming. And I can imagine how the line breaks could work with music. I'd like to hear the recording if you've got it posted (I haven't looked to see if you do).
There were a couple things that didn't make sense to me, like the line "waiting on a cold white blanket to pack up its things and go". What is "it" in that sentence? Are you waiting on a blanket to pack up its things and go? The repetition of "in love" in the last line seemed confusing/unnecessary to me, but it wasn't a real problem. With music it wouldn't stick out I think. Overall, I thought this was pretty good. There were somethings that didn't make sense to me, and it was a little short, but simplicity can make for quite beautiful writing so there's nothing wrong with that.
#5
v:
So here i am,
waiting on a cold white blanket to pack up it's things and go,
Waiting on a cold white blanket sounds good but try something a little different for the rest of the verse
(be)cause in this world if there's one thing i know it's that
it's about time to pack up the sweaters Instead of Sweater try Blankets to make continuaty from the second line
for the short sleeve weather, when we're better together I really like this line
or at least that's what i hope Instead of hope try want or wish depending on the whatever sounds better when your singing. Because hope doesn't flow as well as a "w" word like want or wish, especially at the end of a verse.

ch:
her sun kissed shoulders, and her golden hair
no need for words, she was everything that i just could Don't end the line half-way through a sentence then continue the sentence the next line down, just finish the sentence or write a new one, then start a new sentence starting the line below
not get over, in the long and sleepless summer nights,
when i was in love, and i was in love, again.

Over all this is could be a very good song. I like the story you have behind it and I also like the way you have it told so just fix the minor errors and it would become a very good song Keep on writing
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