#1
lone man stands
on the edge of a dying horizon,
his
bare-boned hands
outstretched
towards the
sorrowful smolder
of the setting sun.
The glowing mother of life
continues her daily
shipwreck.
His heart sinks with her.
She is all he has ever known.



ots
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#2
I didn't agree with some of the line breaks and the ending felt unorginal and almost predictable.
Regardless, best thing I've read of you to this date.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#3
Quote by Ganoosh
lone man stands
on the edge of a dying horizon,
his
bare-boned hands
outstretched
towards the
sorrowful smolder
of the setting sun.
Some odd line breaks.
The glowing mother of life
continues her daily
shipwreck.
I don't like this word here.
His heart sinks with her.
She is all he has ever known.


I agree with ninja monkey. And I want to add on that the last line adds absolutely nothing. We get that the sun is setting.

I also don't get the loneliness theme here. I get what you're trying to do with it, but it seems... melodramatic. All he has is the sun. Whoopee. We get the desperation, but I just don't like it very much. Especially not when you say it's all he's ever known when you said like 3 lines before that it's daily. If you made the sunlight seem endless, then that would work fine, but here...... eh.

This was fine.

Crit mah sig (now that you figured out its finer mechanics )

PS- the title sucks.
Last edited by mamosa at Sep 7, 2009,
#4
The title is the first line of the poem.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
Quote by Ganoosh
The title is the first line of the poem.


Believe it or not, I got that. Even though not all of us are as quick on the uptake as you, we can still manage sometimes (though not really when decrypting sigs. I still need my decoder ring ). But, IMO, it sucks.
#6
Asshole.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
Quote by Ganoosh
The title is the first line of the poem.

I picked up on this immediately. Also, it is one of the line breaks I didn't like.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#8
... Well i liked it. I didnt really mind that the line breaks were sorta weird as it didnt detract from the poem at all. What i really liked was the theme. Not just another "im lonely wah wah wah" thing. I also liked the title
Crit mine please? In my sig.
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
#9
I actually thought this was soppy, plaintive, and almost preachy. It had some neatly intertwining ideas, granted, but overall, the theme and voice forced upon me a horrible feeling. Soz.
#10
If you got rid of the gimmicky line breaks, you're left with

'a lone man stands on the edge of a dying horizon, his bare-boned hands outstretched towards the sorrowful smolder of the setting sun. The glowing mother of life continues her daily shipwreck. His heart sinks with her. She is all he has ever known.'

which doesn't really mean much. I liked the assonance between lone/boned and the use of alliteration to make it flow, but to make it all intertwine completely you need to use them consistently with the word choice, and I thought 'sorrowful smolder of the setting sun' was silly (to further the alliteration theme ). You can't say that it's sorrowful, because that's telling the reader what to think and pretending that you're painting them a picture, you know? You have to put that idea into them. Setting sun does the same thing more subtly (and putting the image after the movement gives me time when I have a black screen in my mind with a hand moving towards it, because I don't have a proper setting for it yet, it's not moving towards anything before the end and there's not enough description before to justify that). 'continues her daily shipwreck' is phrased poorly, it could mean a whole lot but it doesn't here.

Also, why would this guy who's standing on the 'dying horizon' care so much about what's going on down in the deep? He can't be standing on water, and you haven't set the scene of him being in a sinking boat nearly enough for that idea to work either. You've removed your character from the scene, put him on the top of a tall cliff. He has no connection the water that he's supposedly sinking in because of this. And a reader is expected to?

It could be really bloody good, though, you know? Just write it straight up, let it flow out of you and the scene will take shape properly. Here there's no movement because the one thing that could be movement is halted (the setting sun bit) and not enough context for it to be more than an image. I want to see me this scene painted more vividly and with gentler brushstrokes.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Sep 8, 2009,