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#1
Its probably not going to go anywhere. But Im going to major in communications and I want to be a scrip writer or author or something.

I was really bored and heres the potential beginning of a novel.

Tell me what you think.


“Hi, my name’s Darrell, I steal things.” The young man proudly informed as he took his seat on the inside of the booth.
The man opposite him grinned and responded “Hi Darrell, my name’s Tom and I need something stolen.” The two men were sitting in a restaurant/bar called The Rusted Wheel, right on the corner of main street and Pullman Avenue, home of the colossus burger and all you can eat wings every thursday night.
“Well thats why I’m here isn’t it?” Darrell was now drumming his fingers on the thick oak table. “What is it you need stolen Tom?”
“Well its...” Tom lowered his voice to just above a whisper, which seemed unnecessary since it was a wednesday afternoon and the restaurant was empty besides the bartender and a college couple comparing notes by the window well out of earshot. “It’s actually a dog.”
Darrell blinked, “a dog? ... like a... dog, dog?”
Tom let out a nervous laugh and raised his eyebrows as if seeking approval for his request. Darrell stared at Tom for a second or two, examining the discolored nervous smile that poked through his chubby, sunburnt face. Tom was clearly italian, with his dark complection and thick black eyebrows and hair. He flicked the rim of his whiskey glass and stared down at his lap as he waited for Darrell’s response.
“What kind of dog is it anyway?”
“Bulldog” Tom replied without hesitation. He continued to figit with his drink as the awkward silence set into the booth again. They both sat for almost two minutes, Darrell thinking about the request and Tom doing anything possible with his whiskey glass to keep his fingers busy. Suddenly, Darrell laughed. He laughed and turned himself in the booth so that he could rest his arm up on top of the backrest.
“I’ve gotta be honest, I’ve never been asked to steal an animal before.” he looked over at the college couple as he talked. “I mean, I could see some expensive parrot from over in fuckin’ east-uruguay or some thousand-dollar snake, but a dog?”
“Well this guy I work with at...” Tom began to say, but Darrell held up his hand and stopped him.
“I never hear the story behind the job, thats one of my rules.” Darrell folded his hands on the table and leaned in close to Tom as he began to explain: “See everyone who works a job has a boss, everyone responds to a higher power, and that higher power sets standards and guidelines to keep everything in order. Without those guidelines every person who takes part in the job would be doing things their own way, and I don’t have to tell you that this would inevitably lead to the downfall of the entire operation. It would all go to hell if everyone were doing their own thing.” Tom stared into Darrell’s eyes as he listened. “But with my job I have no boss. I have no higher power to keep me in line. Therefore, to maintain order in this... “business” that I operate, I create rules. Rules for myself to follow.
“I understand...” Tom started in but Darrell carried on.
“...and rule number one, is I do not find out why my client wants the item that I am ordered to steal, stolen. The last thing I want is to get caught up in these peoples fucked up personal situations.”
“Now for this dog I’m going to want a minimum of three grand. Maybe more depending on the difficulty of the situation, sound good?”
“Yeah”
“Good, give me an address Tom, you will have your pooch by morning”

EDIT: for some reason it got rid of the indentations at the beginning of paragraphs :shrug
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Last edited by B4Dkarma at Sep 7, 2009,
#3
it got rid of indentations when I copied and pasted
"Bullshit is the glue that binds this nation together."
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#6
Quote by B4Dkarma
it got rid of indentations when I copied and pasted

Put a space between them, then.
#7
"The inside of booth?" I believe you're missing words from the first sentence my friend.
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#8
Interesting premise, but it needs a lot of proofreading. I'm kind of busy working on a short story, so I can't do it for you.

The dialogue needs work, for one. It's not believable at all, and it kind of sounds like you were trying to cop Diablo Cody's script for Juno, but without any of the wit. Just make them talk like regular people would. Who says "rule numero uno," except a douche who thinks he's trying to be funny? Unless your protagonist is that sort of person, I'd change it.
#10
amazingly, i was interested right at the very beginning and wanted to read more. then you mentioned the dog and yea...i became less interested. who ****ing cares about a dog? this may not be the actual plot, but at this point i would usually stop reading a book. i finished reading your whole intro and it seems pretty good in terms of setting, context etc. but the dog thing...just retarded. wouldn't read this if you paid me just for that reason.

also agreed with guy above. dialogue is a bit cheesy, but i figured there are actually people who talk like this so i chose to ignore it. if you want you could make the one guy think 'who the hell talks like this?' so that the reader knows you meant to make the dialogue a bit cheesy.
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Last edited by Wesseem at Sep 7, 2009,
#11
who cares about paragraphs here? quit being a bunch of girls...

anyways, it seems interesting to me dude. good start and i'm sure i would enjoy more of it. so i say keep at it and keep us posted!

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#12
TL;DR, Darell steals things. Tom needs something stolen. Tom needs dog. Darell steals dog for 3 grand. Dog bites Darell. Darell asks for 4 grand to treat injuries. Tom shoots Darell in arm. Darell gets money. Owners are confused. Owners shoot Tom in arm because he has dog. Karma's a bitch. Darell can also haz cheezeburger.
#13
That was pretty good. I would definitely continue reading that. kudos

EDIT: well, the ideas good. I like the whole "stealing business" thing. Mess around with it a little more, and you can get something good
Last edited by One on Sunday at Sep 7, 2009,
#14
That was terrible.

Edit: That might sound a bit harsh, but it really wasn't very good. Enlist in a class or something.
Last edited by ClaptonWannabe at Sep 7, 2009,
#15
Quote by joshua029
who cares about paragraphs here? quit being a bunch of girls...

anyways, it seems interesting to me dude. good start and i'm sure i would enjoy more of it. so i say keep at it and keep us posted!



It's actual writing, as opposed to a forum post. Paragraphs matter, unless you're James Joyce.
#16
Complexion. Not complection.

And this guy wants to be an author.
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#18
yea reading it over the numero uno is stupid.

and keep in mind guys I wrote this in like 10 minutes and didnt even really read it over before I posted, Im just doing this cause Im bored. who knows if I will pick up on it again at another time.
"Bullshit is the glue that binds this nation together."
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#19
Has a sort of Tarantino-esque dialogue driven beginning.. Which I like..

Does sound a bit like its heading into a Reservoir Dogs scenario, though..

Keep going with it..

Also, I actually picture these two guys wearing suits sitting in the exact restaurant at the beginning/end of Pulp Fiction
#20
...wanna show me the way to the nearest armoury base?

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#21
Quote by Holy Katana
It's actual writing, as opposed to a forum post. Paragraphs matter, unless you're James Joyce.


an actual writing even though he hasn't express any intention of continuing the story or turning it in formally?

plus, he brang it to the pit where most rules of the world do not apply...
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#22
Quote by B4Dkarma
yea reading it over the numero uno is stupid.

and keep in mind guys I wrote this in like 10 minutes and didnt even really read it over before I posted, Im just doing this cause Im bored. who knows if I will pick up on it again at another time.


The first thing you need to do is have Darrell kill off the narrator, because he sucks.
#24
Quote by ClaptonWannabe
That was terrible.

Edit: That might sound a bit harsh, but it really wasn't very good. Enlist in a class or something.

yeah well Im 15, so Im not offended when you tell me I have a ways to go.
"Bullshit is the glue that binds this nation together."
-George Carlin



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#25
Quote by Bearded_Seth
Has a sort of Tarantino-esque dialogue driven beginning.. Which I like..

Does sound a bit like its heading into a Reservoir Dogs scenario, though..

Keep going with it..

Also, I actually picture these two guys wearing suits sitting in the exact restaurant at the beginning/end of Pulp Fiction

haha this is funny because Pulp fiction is my fav movie (I know, along with 90% of the pit)
and I love Quentin Tarantino.

EDIT: sorry for double post.
"Bullshit is the glue that binds this nation together."
-George Carlin



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#27
Quote by B4Dkarma
haha this is funny because Pulp fiction is my fav movie (I know, along with 90% of the pit)
and I love Quentin Tarantino.

EDIT: sorry for double post.


So, basically, you just ripped it off? Or did you not even realize you were?
#28
Quote by Holy Katana
So, basically, you just ripped it off? Or did you not even realize you were?

Id hardly say I ripped it off... I mean maybe a little QT inspired.
"Bullshit is the glue that binds this nation together."
-George Carlin



The Human Fund: $0.00
PM me to donate
#29
Quote by Bearded_Seth
Has a sort of Tarantino-esque dialogue driven beginning.. Which I like..

Does sound a bit like its heading into a Reservoir Dogs scenario, though..

Keep going with it..

Also, I actually picture these two guys wearing suits sitting in the exact restaurant at the beginning/end of Pulp Fiction


haha i actually pictured it as the first scene with 'honey bunny' and her lover.
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#30
Quote by B4Dkarma
haha this is funny because Pulp fiction is my fav movie (I know, along with 90% of the pit)
and I love Quentin Tarantino.

EDIT: sorry for double post.


That and the numero uno bit (could simply just be said as one really if hes serious) are the only things I don't like about the extract..

It does come off heavily influenced by QT.. That's not necessarily a bad thing but you should try to throw your own thing in there a little more.. I was practically imagining Tim Roth in place of Darrell.

But the story so far sounds like it could be pretty good if you pulled it off

EDIT:

Quote by Wesseem
haha i actually pictured it as the first scene with 'honey bunny' and her lover.


See?
Last edited by Bearded_Seth at Sep 7, 2009,
#32
Quote by B4Dkarma
yea reading it over the numero uno is stupid.

and keep in mind guys I wrote this in like 10 minutes and didnt even really read it over before I posted, Im just doing this cause Im bored. who knows if I will pick up on it again at another time.

Are you trying to tell us you just slammed this out in ten minutes, didn't even check it, clearly even didn't run spell check (figit!?), and want us to give you feedback? Holy balls, bro. I'll do the effort when you do the same. Little known writing fact: The first thing you write will almost never be what you want to show people.

SHEdit: I meant "first draft" by that.

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Last edited by SteveHouse at Sep 7, 2009,
#33
Quote by SteveHouse
Are you trying to tell us you just slammed this out in ten minutes, didn't even check it, clearly even didn't run spell check (figit!?), and want us to give you feedback? Holy balls, bro. I'll do the effort when you do the same. Little known writing fact: The first thing you write will almost never be what you want to show people.

+100000000000000. Seriously, when I write something, I rewrite/check it at least 3 times before showing it to people. It makes your writing so much better. And this sounded way too much like Tarantino, but the idea was stupid if it was a Tarantino.
#34
I was getting a Transporter vibe, with the whole rule thing. Except your guy gets the package, then transports it.
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#35
Quote by AWACS
I was getting a Transporter vibe, with the whole rule thing. Except your guy gets the package, then transports it.

As opposed to Jason Statham, who transports the package before he gets it.


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#36
Quote by B4Dkarma
I want to be a scrip writer or author or something.

K. Lol.
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#38
Quote by B4Dkarma
haha this is funny because Pulp fiction is my fav movie (I know, along with 90% of the pit)
and I love Quentin Tarantino.

EDIT: sorry for double post.


Pffft. Everyone knows 100% of the Pit has The Prestige as their numero uno.
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