#1
ots


Today my foot became caught in a bucket.
A regular, metal pail. Y'know?

Wherever I walked, this ungodly "clang" sound
followed. It drew vexed gazes towards me with a magnetic pull.

I kept walking. Cold, corrosive eyes kept fixing on me
and my encumbrance.

Trying to escape, I walked my foot raw. My toes
were curled up the entire time.

I sat down on the curb of the street and looked
at the accursed bucket. And here, I sit.
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Sep 8, 2009,
#2
Some of your description was meh. "magnetic pull" "metallic eyes"... I get the play on the bucket... but it ruined what was an almost magical piece for me.

The piece as a whole just left me so bewildered by the feeling it gave me... it was lovely in its delivery and almost apathetic tone... and the ending was expected but still moving in some style.

I really enjoyed the concept, just thought the descriptors really drew me out of the mood.
#3
I was unsure about those 'magnetic structures' as I was writing.
But they made me smile so I hesitated to use the backspace key.
I'm now considering to change a few things. Thank you sir.

Should I hit one in your sig? Or would you rather have me wait for the next?
Promises meant a lot back then.
#4
"My toes were curled up the entire time" just didn't sit with me. I enjoyed it, even though the ending was just a bit blah.

Good work.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
Great poem. Kinda liked the layout of it, it was different. I just wish it was longer so there would be more buildup. Also I didnt like that you used "metallic" references twice in a row. Other than that, great. Check out mine in my sig
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
#7
I liked the first line especially, but the same format and slightly awkward flow made the rest a bit meh for me.

I loved the idea though.
#8
I love the concept of this poem ALOT. The first and last two stanzas i have no problems with, but the second and third seem to loose a sort of simplicity the others have. For this particular poem i dont think big words are very helpful, seeing as its a pretty simple stupid situation to be in, your word choice should reflect that. If i were writing it, i would replace the descriptions of the bucket with simple ones.
Otherwise, i enjoyed this piece alot.
If you do change anything post it up!
c4c? i just posted something called giants
Quote by pengiunman
Hahaha you crack me up swansareroadkil.

:can't think of a smiley to put, your too cool:
#9
Quote by Ganoosh
"My toes were curled up the entire time" just didn't sit with me. I enjoyed it, even though the ending was just a bit blah.

Good work.

Understandable.

Quote by benx3000
Great poem. Kinda liked the layout of it, it was different. I just wish it was longer so there would be more buildup. Also I didnt like that you used "metallic" references twice in a row. Other than that, great. Check out mine in my sig

Understandable.

Quote by ZanasCross
I owe you a bunch, no worries.



Quote by chiodoschica92
I liked the first line especially, but the same format and slightly awkward flow made the rest a bit meh for me.

I loved the idea though.

It reads perfectly fine for me but I can understand how it could read awkward.

Quote by swansareroadkil
I love the concept of this poem ALOT. The first and last two stanzas i have no problems with, but the second and third seem to loose a sort of simplicity the others have. For this particular poem i dont think big words are very helpful, seeing as its a pretty simple stupid situation to be in, your word choice should reflect that. If i were writing it, i would replace the descriptions of the bucket with simple ones.
Otherwise, i enjoyed this piece alot.
If you do change anything post it up!
c4c? i just posted something called giants

Big words?
Big word maybe. "Encumbrance."
Regardless.


I'll return crits/comments over the next few days.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#10
Quote by ninja monkey
ots


Today my foot became caught in a bucket,
a metal pail, if you will. this opening presents an interesting situation, piquing my curiosity as to what you will do with it. I didn't like the 2nd line too much, which basically is a restatement of the properties of the" bucket".

Wherever I walked this ungodly "clang" sound I keep reading this as "wherever I walked this", as in "wherever I walked this dog". try putting a line break or comma after "walked".
followed. It drew vexed gazes towards me with a magnetic pull.

I kept walking. Cold, metallic eyes kept fixing on me
and my encumbrance. I don't think "ecumbrance" is necessary. A simple "bucket" would be fine. This gave me the feeling that you just used a synomym for the sake of using it.

Trying to escape, I walked my foot raw. My toes
were curled up the entire time.

I sat down on the curb of the street and looked
at the accursed bucket. And here, I sit.I find the stumped state of the protagonist hilarious.


I feel quite mixed towards this. I loved the idea of a foot stuck in a bucket, but I felt you didn't explore enough of the possibilities that this situation entails, it left me feeling wanting more.


crit on doorbell in my sig if you want.
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On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#11
Quote by ninja monkey
ots


Today my foot became caught in a bucket,
a metal pail, if you will.
I agree with Danny. This line is simply a restatement of what you just said.

Wherever I walked this ungodly "clang" sound
followed. It drew vexed gazes towards me with a magnetic pull.
I think this would flow better if you put "followed" on the first line.

I kept walking. Cold, metallic eyes kept fixing on me
and my encumbrance.
Good.

Trying to escape, I walked my foot raw. My toes
were curled up the entire time.
Good.

I sat down on the curb of the street and looked
at the accursed bucket. And here, I sit.


I found this quite interesting. I like how the lack of transitions here adds objectivity almost to the point of apathy. Transitions like "although" or "therefore" or whatever one would normally use always seem to add a more personal touch. This seemed distant and uncaring. I liked it.

I have a few issues, but it was nice.
#12
"today my foot got caught in a bucket, a metal pail if you will"

i felt like you used the expression "if you will" in a bad way
"if you will" to me, should only be used to refer to things the reader couldn't have imagined by themselves

also, the feel of the poem changed in a weird way...
it started of sounding playful and more like a limmerick but then turned somewhat free form

in conclusion, it feels like you took a very simply concept ( your foot being caught in a bucket) and clogged it up with unnesecarily complicated terms and strange changes in flow
and overall, it felt like it was trying to be to many things

but i really like the concept and with more work the poem could be a great one

#13
Quote by Laces Out Danny
I feel quite mixed towards this. I loved the idea of a foot stuck in a bucket, but I felt you didn't explore enough of the possibilities that this situation entails, it left me feeling wanting more.


crit on doorbell in my sig if you want.


The "metal pail" has been altered slightly but for a different reason. I'm not sure if it sits better with you now but it has been changed. A comma has been added in the "walking" part. Encumbrance will stay due to my nerdy attatchment with the word. Ie. You are over-encumbered. And then you move really slowly and you have to drop gear to gain your speed back. XD

"Thank You"s and "Understandable"s

Quote by mamosa
I found this quite interesting. I like how the lack of transitions here adds objectivity almost to the point of apathy. Transitions like "although" or "therefore" or whatever one would normally use always seem to add a more personal touch. This seemed distant and uncaring. I liked it.

I have a few issues, but it was nice.


Same thing applies to the "restatement" part. I understand what you're saying with the "followed" part but in my opinion it is better as is.

I completely understand what your saying in your closing statement.
Thanks.

Quote by spitonastranger
"today my foot got caught in a bucket, a metal pail if you will"

i felt like you used the expression "if you will" in a bad way
"if you will" to me, should only be used to refer to things the reader couldn't have imagined by themselves

also, the feel of the poem changed in a weird way...
it started of sounding playful and more like a limmerick but then turned somewhat free form

in conclusion, it feels like you took a very simply concept ( your foot being caught in a bucket) and clogged it up with unnesecarily complicated terms and strange changes in flow
and overall, it felt like it was trying to be to many things

but i really like the concept and with more work the poem could be a great one



I agree with the "if you will" thing. That being said, it helped me change the restatement of the 'bucket'. Thank you.

Understandable.


I have to work tonight. Tomorrow I have off. After school I have to do my homework and go to the bank. To my understanding, I will also be picking up my bearded dragon tomorrow. I'm assuming I'll have the time to exchange words on your pieces after my lizard is situated to his new home.
Promises meant a lot back then.